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I'm fixated with you

But you're  leaving me just when I thought you were mine
when i hear your delicate words,
and read the ones you've
also constructed on paper,
i want to smash them to bits,
because i know then i will find
the truth inside the broken pieces
****
 Oct 2014 Turn Off The Lights
BZQ
do you want to know how does having feelings for you feel like? well baby, having feelings for you is like playing the piano for someone who can’t hear. having feelings for you is like that moment where you start to dance and the song ends. having feelings for you is like hitting repeat on my favorite song and forgetting the words every time it starts over. having feelings for you is like playing roulette with all the barrels loaded. having feelings for you is like having amnesia, waking up every day unable to remember why there’s a hole in my chest. having feelings for you was like finding out there’s no milk after i had already poured a bowl of cereal. having feelings for you is like drowning without the water. having feelings for you is like being locked in the dark while getting told to “look on the bright side”. having feelings for you is like knowing what a funeral feels like without ever going to one. having feelings for you was like being reminded of the first time i ever accidentally let go of a ballon as a child. having feelings for you is like unconsciously reaching to put my arm around a dead lover in my bed while asleep. having feelings for you was like spending years next to a hospital bed where you were in a coma you chose to stay asleep in.
- bejal
I can't begin to fathom how to describe how this feels.
It feels good like a cup of coffee in the morning,
But it also feels like an afternoon crash.
It feels like a high so good
But also a withdrawal most painful.
It feels like everything
Yet nothing at the same time.
I believe my soul is rotten
Yet you say it is not

I see my face, it's so ugly
Yet you say I'm pretty

I think my body is destroyed
Yet you say I've earned my stripes

I know my heart is beyond repair
Yet you say you'll help mend it

Can you really see so deep into my eyes?
Into my soul?
My heart?
Sometimes I think you're blind
Because everything about me is *torn all apart
Never alone
But always lonely
I've nothing to hang onto
So you never hold me
Dripping from your hands
With a futile disgust
We're dreaming of love
Yet give into lust
Maybe that's why we're all lonely.
life is a constant struggle and sometimes i’m just lost.
i don’t know how to deal with it.
i just want to get a life mentor sometimes
so i know if things are worth it.
i’ve read so much about life but i find it hard to actually apply everything i’ve learned.
i realized.
i’m still on my journey.
*its okay not to have things figured out.
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