I've had a myriad of failed relationships
each one tore my heart open
but this one is different
however, not in a good way
they're so distant and cold
more like an acquaintance
than a partner
but maybe they need time
I'm trying to not overthink it
but alas, I am failing

a suit of armor sitting in a corner
cobwebs and dust settling in the crevices
give it a new life with some polishing
scrub and scrub the dirt off
the metal now looks anew
gleaming in the sun
shining bright
a fresh beauty displayed proudly
the gleaming suit of armor

you say you're clingy
is that true?
maybe you are
but not with me
you say you love me
but I say that's too soon
if you claim to love me
please show it
cuz all I've gotten
are short replies
hours of silence
and no acknowledgement
of my existence
you say you love me
but that's too soon
you say you're clingy
is that true?

their eyes are a deep coffee brown
rich like Mother Earth's soil
captivating like a siren
leading a sailor to certain death
******* me in like mud on a
rainy day
pleonasm

you were so lovely
yet in a tremendous amount of pain
the pain went away
but so did your life
it was a pyrrhic victory
I'm glad you aren't in pain
any longer
but the feeling is bittersweet
it was a pyrrhic victory
as you crossed
the rainbow bridge
rest easy buddy

the way you talk enraptures me
all I can focus on is you
and listen to what you saying
your big brown eyes
are mesmerizing
you have such a bright
and happy personality
you're so kind and funny
your art is incredible
your smile is infectious
and beautiful
I've never met someone like you

he caused me pain
and let chaos invade my life
so I left him behind
but then they came into my life
and confessed their feelings
I didn't know how to feel
I still don't
fear and curiosity flooded my brain
the fear of being hurt
and tossed aside again
the curiosity of a new beginning
and a possible new love
I like learning about them
and hearing them rant
maybe they're the right one for me
I'm testing the waters
I don't want to get hurt again
but you'll never know
if you don't try

my sweet baby Caesar
orange fur flying around
deep grumbly purr
light green eyes
judgmental and cuddly
introverted and quiet
you were taken far too soon
we'll miss you buddy
my caesar salad
my gingersnap snickerdoodle
my chicken nugget
we love you Caesar
rest easy now
the pain you were in is gone

I remember 12 year old me
13 year old me
14 year old me
15 year old me
16 year old me
17 year old me
crying alone at night
a blade in hand
carving into my body
blood staining my clothes
never thinking it could get better
but it got better
the blade is retired
the scars are healed
never to be reopened

you were so mercurial
that I had to leave
I wasn't good enough
I couldn't be broken
by you

the little frog was zippy
zipping down the flower stem
skipping across the pond
chilling in the cool water
soaking in the bright sunlight
watching the flowers sway in the soft breeze
the little frog was zippy

I am desultory when it comes to
how I never want to speak to you again
I haven't unadded you on social media
maybe I should
should I?
I don't watch your insta stories
that's a good step
I don't talk to you anymore
good for me

it has been days since I last talked to you
it's been very freeing
not having to worry about saying
the wrong thing
and being too much
or not enough
I could never be just right for you
there was always something wrong
with me or what I did or said
it's so freeing not talking to you
being ignored or forgotten
I am free now that I'm no
longer trapped in the shackles
disguised as love and kindness
that you gave me

nature has such a mellifluous sound
birds chirping to one another
branches swaying in the wind
streams trickling down the ground
nature has such a mellifluous sound

I'm running out of time
run run running out of time
time to share my story
my words
let them flow onto the page
run run running out of time
more words more words
I need more
I need to explain my pain
and healing
I'm running out of time
more words
more lines
more sentences
more paragraphs
I'm running out of time
time to share my story
run run running out of time

what is love
I do not know
maybe I am destined
to never know
it's touch

the bugs crawl under my skin
as my mind fades into darkness
my heart stills, cold in my chest
stiff hands gripped by loved ones
blank glazed over eyes
rotting flesh falling off my bones

I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for putting you first
before myself
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you wanted me
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you were the one
I'm not sorry for loving you
I'm not sorry I stopped loving you
I'm not sorry for wanting nothing to do with you
I'm not sorry
I'm done with you

do you ever think about how
you could've walked
by your soulmate
your future love
and never knew it
just a stranger then
but soon enough
the love of your life
how strange that is

I used to think that without a partner
I wasn't whole
that I needed someone to complete me
what I didn't realize is that
I am 100% by myself and
a partner should also be 100%
200% combined
I am complete by myself
I don't need someone to make me whole
I am whole
a partner should be an addition
not a completion
I am whole by myself
I am complete

my old heart only beat for others
now it beats for me

I want to be the dandelion
growing in between the cracks
in the sidewalk
living in spite
of everything trying to
**** it

her sillage settled in my room
after she left
it brings back memories of
what we did that night
your lips pressed against mine
my hands on you soft skin
feeling the curves of your body
I was high on your touch
couldn't get enough
always needed more of you
now you're gone
and all I'm left with
are the memories

the sheer diaphanous veil
covered the bride's face
she was suppressing tears
not tears of joy
but of sadness
she had no choice in this marriage
forced to don the white lacey dress
slather on makeup
and walk down the aisle
and swear to marry a stranger
and obey his every command

the birds chirp in the distance
the sun glows bright
in the cerulean sky
no clouds in sight
just sunshine
beating down on your skin
sweat trickles down your brow
a slight breeze
sways the grass
around your ankles

when I love someone
I don't want to love their
gender or their skin
I want to love them
their laugh
their smile
their eyes
their humor
their kindness
their thoughtfulness
their talents
their skills
I want to love them
for them
not a made up version
of them
I want them to be theirself
and be proud
they don't need to be
a girl
or
a boy
or
gender nonconforming
I will love them
for them
and what they look like
does not matter
"I don't love a body,
that's just skin and bones,
not somebody"

my heart used to flutter
when you texted me
I would gush at every compliment
but then
I was impatient to be called yours
you cut our situationship off
and decided we should be just friends
it broke my heart
as tears streamed down my face
but soon enough
I accepted it as that
but then
you became distant
and stopped replying to me
you left me on read/seen
it made my heart heavy
and stomach churn
I stopped begging for
your attention
and affection
now I no longer care
I do not feel anything for you
my heart is steady
I don't look forward to
your texts
I barely think of you
I am done
done with this mess
I will wipe my hands of
this situation
and leave it in the past

the sun streams through the window
the sunflowers and daffodils
sway in the breeze
raw honey drips
down from the honeycomb
sour lemons squeezed
to make lemonade
sweet light cornbread
warm fresh from the oven

empathy
something I struggle with
I'm not heartless
or lacking kindness
I just don't know how
to put myself in other's shoes
I can't see their pain
in their perspective
I see it my way
not theirs
it's a struggle
I want to be understanding
but I just can't
I wish I could be
more empathetic
but alas
I'm just a misunderstood fool

Pride
"I deserve everything
I am better than everyone
I make no mistakes
I am perfect"
Greed
"I deserve this shopping trip
one more purchase
more money I need more money
one more store"
Wrath
"they deserve pain
I will make them hurt
I need to break this wall
anger is necessary"
Envy
"they don't deserve that beauty
why do they get that and I don't
I wish I had that purse
I need that dress, not them"
Lust
"I deserve to make love to them
I need that person in my bed
give me pleasure
I need you, now"
Gluttony
"I deserve all this food
just one more doughnut
more pizza
I need more pop and chocolate"
Sloth
"I deserve to lie in bed all day
I won't get up to reach the remote
I'll wait to use the bathroom
work is boring, I'll just sleep"

I have logolepsy
I love learning about
all these new words
expanding my vocabulary
tenacious
quiddity
eclectic
capricious
psithurism

I could prate about how I feel
about you for days
until my words become
redundant and repetitive
I could prate endlessly
about how I hate you
or about how I love you
or about how I don't know how
I feel about you
as undecided as my feelings are
I could still prate about them

tacenda is what I feel about you
it's better left unfinished
what could've been
is not important
we were never meant to be
like I imagined
my feelings are damaged
tacenda

I just want to be loved
but everyone leaves
what is so wrong with me
that I'm not worth
staying for?
I would rip out my heart
for someone
but I can't get anyone
to text me first
I put so much effort
into a relationship
but no one stays
what is so wrong with me
that I'm worth
staying for?
I just want to be loved
I just want to be loved
I can't do this anymore
I'm done with love

I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
or maybe I'm overthinking
I can't tell
but to ask you
you might lie
to save my feelings
you went from giving me
your time of day
and conversation flowed
like a river
now I initiate everything
and you seem distant
I hate this feeling
the not knowing
the feeling I ruined everything
I could ask you
how you feel
but would it change anything?
maybe it would confirm
my worst fears
that you lost feelings
due to my insecurities
pressuring you to make
a decision
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell

my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
the feeling is not
quick to fade
it clings to my heart
and sinks its claws in
my love is tenacious
once I fall in love
it hits me in the face
like a ton of bricks
my love is strong
sometimes too strong
where I love someone
who does not
deserve my affection

"the early bird gets the worm"
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
"seize the day"
seize the day, but put very little trust
in tomorrow
"curiosity killed the cat"
curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction
brought it back
"great minds think alike"
great minds think alike, though
fools seldom differ
"money is the root of all evil"
for the love of money is the root of all
kinds of evils
"jack of all trades, master of none"
jack of all trades, master of none,
though oftentimes better than
master of one

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations

do you ever think that
the world is so messed up
that it should be blown up
and start anew
a new beginning
a clean slate
to do better this time
to reverse the mistakes made
the world is awful
and we made it that way
maybe humans are the problem
maybe it's our fault
maybe the world is
better off without us
destroying everything we touch

I have never loved someone
on accident
but sometimes it feels like
people love me
on accident

the siren girl is singing
motioning for me to
join her in the water
her voice is so
captivating
I jump off the edge of my boat
I land in the water
beside her
she pulls me under
her voice so sweet
I almost don't notice
the water filling my lungs

I am a cactus
my body covered in spikes
all I wanted
was a hug
but I hurt people
when they got to close
stabbing them with my spikes
it was never my intention
to wound them
but nevertheless
it happened
after I stabbed my loved ones
with my spikes
they left
and I was there
all alone
with an ache in my chest
I was so lonely
and I wanted a hug
but if someone tried to hug me
they got hurt
and left
I don't want to cause pain
but that is how I
was made
made to be destructive
and alone
I don't want to be this way
but what is a cactus
without it's spikes

my chest tightens
and my mind races
I overthink every interaction
and where it all went wrong
maybe I'm reading too much
into it
or maybe you're distant
and it's my fault
I never wanted to rush you
and now
I've lost you

I dismembered myself
trying to find
which parts aren't loveable
which parts made everyone leave

poetry is the quiddity of me
it is so intertwined with my soul
that it is woven into my heart
I could never abandon this
it is my other half
it is me
words flow from my mind
and onto paper or a screen
it is part of me
poetry is the quiddity of me

adoration
deep love and respect
I adore you and
your creativity

passion
strong and barely controllable emotion
I am passionate about you
and your way with words

fondness
affection for someone
I am fond of you
and your smile

tenderness
feelings of affection
I have a tenderness for you
and your ability to
bare your soul to me

the world can be pulchritudinous
kindness flowing through
the veins of people
acts of charity
without asking for something in return
compliments told to others
to brighten up their day
donations to fundraisers
to help those in need
the world can be evil
but let's focus on the
pulchritudinous parts of the world
otherwise we'll lose hope in
humanity
and go insane
look at the pulchritudinous
aspects of the world

my space
meticulous or disorderly
my bed
neatly made or blankets rumpled
my floor
spotless or cluttered
my desk
organized or chaotic
my clothes
neat or piled up
my thoughts
calm or rioting

people say self love is important
I need to love myself
I want to...
love myself
such a revelation
however,
it seems so difficult

I have told my whole life
to make myself smaller
that I was worthless
and no one would/should
love me

I was beaten down my whole life
to the point that
it seems unattainable
to love myself
I want to love myself
but I don't know how

I look at myself and
all I see are flaws
I pick out
everything that it deemed
a mistake or unwanted

I want...
no, I need to love myself
but how do I start
I feel so lost

how do I begin
to love myself
and not want to change
everything I see in the mirror

how do I shut down all
the voices saying I need
to change
to lose weight
to do this
to do that

I want to be me
and love myself
without being unauthentic

the circus clowns were sad
their pain made the people laugh
so every day
they painted their faces
with outrageous colors
and wore ridiculous costumes
they got onto the stage
in front of all those people
they fueled their sadness
into humor
and tricks
the people laughed and laughed
when the circus clowns show was over
they put on normal clothes
and removed their face paint
they lay in bed at night
and cry themselves to sleep
in the morning
they have another show
so they use the face paint as a mask
to hide away their pain