I think I want to live
for the first time in my life
I want to be alive
I'm finally living
instead of surviving

my love will be my downfall
I'm like a moth to the flame
getting too close
and my wings get singed
he is the flame
I hope he doesn't burn me
my love will be my downfall
I'm like a bee getting drunk on nectar
woozily flying around
until I'm squashed
my love will be my downfall
or maybe
this time will be different

eclectic that's how I'd describe myself
different from the rest
not in a pick me way
just in a way that I don't even try
and I'm different
I don't do it to impress someone
I like poetry and writing
I like wearing bold and eccentric makeup
I like wearing heaps of homemade jewelry
I like being me
I like laughing loud and hard
until I can't breathe
I like acting weird
and driving my parents crazy
from my quirky acts of love
I like being myself so hard
that only the real ones stay

have I found my soulmate
it's too early to tell
but I know that I love him
maybe I'm rushing it
but I always fall hard and fast
it can be my downfall
but I experience unadulterated love

I remember that night
oh so clearly
our bodies so close
as I led you in a dance
your attire
matched you perfectly
so different in a sea of conformity
your smile lit up the room
I only had eyes on you
your quirky personality shined through
I remember that night
oh so clearly
I cherish the memory
and hold it close to my heart
as a smile erupts on my face
and a flush creeps on my cheeks

I have come to love you
and yet I don't believe
that you know the
hold you have on me
every notification on my phone
I check to see if it's you
if it's not
then I am saddened
if it is you
then a smile lights up my face
you don't understand
the hold you have on me
you have my heart
it is yours
please keep it
for your words are the life
to keep my heart beating
in such little time
you have a hold on me
I hope one day
you'll be mine
but at this moment
I am content in being your friend
I want you to know
my love for you
but it is too soon
and I don't want to scare you away
from my swift intense feelings

are people born broken
that's what I ask myself

sure, there are always people
who have been traumatized
who have been beaten down
and turned into monsters
to the point of no return
where they inflict the torture
they've endured onto others

but can they be born evil
already a monster from the womb
have a beautiful life
or at least a good life
with a loving family
and still turn out messed up
can you abuse and torture others
for the fun of it
with no reason why you do what you do

I'm counting down the days
just get through this week
and I will be free
free from this school
I will walk across the stage
and never look back
just get to Friday
and all the classes will be over
at this wretched school

I met my 12-year-old self for coffee
to talk about our lives

"I hate the world and my family
no one listens or helps
everyone hurts me
I'm trapped here
and I self harm everyday
my emotions are treated as manipulations
I feel so alone
I think about dying on the daily
please help me" they said

"please believe that there is hope
you have a new family
and a loving one at that
suicide is not something we think about anymore
we've been clean from self harm for over 130 days
we made more friends
we don't get bullied
or abused
life is worth living
and we strive to be better and heal every day" I said

the anxiety creature
made up of slime and ooze
with sharp claws
that dig into my mind
trying to drag me down with it
whispering in my ears
making me tremble
and ruminate
i try to run and escape it
but it always catches up
i won't stop running from it
soon enough it will tire
and i will be free

content:
the cool soft breeze caressing your hair
happiness:
the clear bright sunny sky
sadness:
the gentle rain dampening your skin
depression:
the pouring rain drenching your clothes
anger:
the scorching sun and whipping wind
rage:
the violent winds and tornado warnings

I am allowed to take up space
you are allowed to take up space
I deserve to be loved
you deserve to be loved
I have nothing to be ashamed of
you have nothing to be ashamed of
I am resilient
you are resilient
my healing is not linear
your healing is not linear
I am at peace with myself
you are at peace with yourself

8 years of therapy
therapist after therapist
nothing worked
I gained all the skills I needed
at psych wards
I never used the tools given
from the psych wards
but today is the day
therapy is not helpful
for me
but I will write my new beginnings
use the skills
do research
take my meds
and heal
I will do it by myself
because I have learned
that I am the only person
that I can rely on

anxiety runs through my veins
self-destructive thoughts swirl in my head
my hands tremble
tears blur my vision
bone deep loneliness sends chills down my body
I feel so alone
I text people
but it's all in vain
I get left on delivered
for hours upon hours
a heaviness settles in my chest
maybe they don't want anything to do with me
maybe they were pretending to be my friend
maybe I'm annoying them with my problems
maybe I'm nothing to them
tears spill down my face
I hold in my sobs
my phone taunts me
with the texts marked as delivered
I can't do this
I feel so alone
I feel like a burden
with all this overthinking

i have all these strong emotions
they swirl around inside me
i shove them down
and put a cork in the bottle
the bottle that doesn't open
it's easier to ignore the anxiety
than deal with the difficult emotion
but the bottle can't hold anymore
of this feeling
the bottle is shaking and exploding open
the feelings are rushing back at me
i'm holding in the tears
my stomach is churning like
the emotional turmoil
i'm so worried
I can't do this anymore
it's all crashing down on me
the emotions rain down on me
like the glass shards from the bottle
the anxiety shoots through my veins
making my hands tremble
and my heart ache
and my mind spin

beauty is pain
that's what they tell the young girls
that looks matter more
than comfort

caked on makeup
that weighs your face down
tight clothes
that show off your body
but restricting your lungs
starving and counting calories
just to achieve the hourglass figure
plastic surgery and botox
just to meet the beauty standards

they go through all this pain
and suffering
just to reach the ideal image
that changes so quickly
so you can't keep up
and are constantly adjusting theirselves
trying to feel beautiful

but what they don't realize
is that no matter how much you try
to fit in
it will never be enough

beauty is what you make it
be comfortable in your own skin
wear what makes you feel good
eat when hungry
starving makes you feel worse

there is light at the end of the tunnel
i promise

the knife sat in the store hoping to be bought
it dreamed of being used to make these delicious meals
how useful it would be
then one day,
a man bought the knife
it was so excited to finally have a purpose
then much to it's dismay
the man who bought the knife
is a serial killer
the knife was being used to stab
and mutilate
and ****** other humans
the knife was filled with sorrow
and guilt
he wanted to be useful
but not like this

deep red blood dripping onto the floor
bright red roses swaying in the breeze

orange prison jumpsuits walking in the yard
orange carved pumpkins on the porch

yellowed skin as kidneys fail
yellow sunshine streams through the window

dark green mold spores entering your lungs
vibrant green grass freshening the air

darkening blue ocean water pulling you under
clear blue sky calling peace to the turmoil

purple poison dart frog toxins seeping into your skin
purple flowers in bloom decorating the garden

in this country, we waste so much food
in a country where people go to bed hungry
if food doesn't sell
then it gets thrown away
perfectly good and edible food
just wasted
it could have been handed out
to homeless people
or people struggling to provide
for their family
they could've gotten many meals
if only we didn't waste food
poverty and homelessness  
would decrease
it's so amazing what people can do
when they have a full stomach
the work they can accomplish

I have trouble with emotions
I can't feel them correctly
either I feel too much
or nothing at all
it could be because of my past
when I suppressed my emotions
day after day
emotions meant danger
he was volatile
and showing emotions
could end up with
him in a fit of rage
I walked on eggshells
to avoid his wrath
now I struggle with emotions
it's safe to feel them now
but my body no longer
knows how to properly
it's an all or nothing situation
it's quite draining

I am the flower growing in between cracks in the sidewalk

every school I've attended
has had the same problem
they shape the school system for the majority
the minority has to suffer
for the lack of accommodations
the school subjects have always been easy for me
but the pace at school is so slow
I finish early
and am put at a lower level than what I can do
the way school is set up
is wrong in my opinion
it should be customized to each student
I struggle to thrive in school
due to how it's set up
I work fast and independently
school works slowly and with groups
I can't succeed
if I have to wait for everyone to catch up

"would you still love me if I was a worm"
she asked him
"of course" he replied
"how would you show your love to my worm self"
she inquires
"I would buy you an incubator and fill it up with moist dirt"
"I would feed you every day"
"I would pet your little worm self"
"I would talk to you and tell you what's happening in life"
"I would tell you all the office drama"
"I would keep your incubator on my nightstand so you can sleep next to me at night"
"so, yes, I would love you if you were a worm"

they say that if a tree falls in the forest
with nobody around to hear it
then does it really make a sound

the tree's pain went unnoticed
due to the lack of hearing ears
the pain was still there
even though no one could hear it

just because the tree fell
and no one heard the fall
doesn't mean it didn't happen
it doesn't erase the pain

the tree uprighted itself
and grew back taller than before
it did it by itself
because no one listened for the pain
so no one could help it overcome it
except itself

day after day it is the same thing
the cars drive on top of me
and the humans walk all over me
it hurts so much
the pressure and pain dig deep
until I crack and bleed
the working humans patch me up
but it does nothing to relieve the pain
the long expanse of body cries out in agony
it's the same thing
but I never get used to it
the cars yell and jeer at me
as they run me over
they take pleasure in my pain
why me
what did I do to deserve this
unless just existing targets me
for the torture I endure on the daily

I saw an owl holding a cigarette
any wise words I asked him
he blew smoke into the air
why would I have any wisdom for you
he inquired
owls are considered wise creatures I tell him
well if that's the case, then let me tell you a few things
he took a drag from his cigarette

wisdom does not come from age
it comes from experiences

you could be 100 years old and live a sheltered life
you wouldn't have experienced any hardships to give any insight

on the other hand
you could be 20 years old and live a traumatic life
you would have experienced so much that insight comes easily

he took another drag of his cigarette
age is not an excuse for disrespect

just because you lived in a time where homophobia was okay
doesn't mean that you can continue to hate them now

aging is a time for growing
the times have changed and so should you

these models in magazines and billboards
set unrealistic expectations for young girls
thinking they need to starve themselves
just to get the flat stomach
and hourglass figure
envying every girl they see
who they view as prettier than them
going to such extremes to fit the rapidly
changing beauty standards
leaving their youthful bodies behind
to go under the knife
and inject their face with fillers
just to be called beautiful
to feel beautiful
but then the standards change
and they don't feel beautiful anymore
they do more procedures
and exercise until they drop
until the standards are to be natural
and it feels like it was all for nothing
that they'll never be enough

i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself

true love looks different for everyone
here's what it looks like for me

good morning and good night texts
listen to me when i can't stop talking
hold me when i can't find the words to express myself
tell dumb jokes to make me laugh
accept me for me
laugh at my dumb jokes
write poems for me
understand that i need lots of cuddles
and that sometimes i can't stand being touched
don't pretend to be normal, be your weird self
dance with me in the rain
love me unconditionally
accept that i am not a boy or girl

if you love me hard and show it
i'll love you hard and show it

i cried out for help
my head bobbing up and down
as the waves threatened to pull me under
no one heard my pleas for rescue
my body grew tired
and i started sinking
water filled my lungs
and my vision began blackening
i floated at the bottom of the ocean
then suddenly
a rush of energy surged through my limbs
i swim to the surface
and fresh air never felt sweeter
before i know it
i'm at the shore
i flop onto the sand
and relax
with the knowledge
that no one will save you
save yourself

these words bubble up in my throat
but i push them all down
if i don't
then i'll lose control
screams rattle inside my skull
but i never voice them
for fear of not stopping
i have so much to say
so much anger to express
but it isn't a good idea
i don't want to be like them
they were volatile
and as unstable as dynamite
i don't want to become violent
and see their faces in my reflection

sometimes i feel invisible
either like everyone looks through me
like i'm not there
or like they see my appearance
and don't look further

i am a person too
my identity matters
see me for me
see me in the room

i feel like an outcast
a social pariah
like i'm a wallflower

the time has come
where wearing shorts
is reasonable for the weather
but alas
i cannot participate
cuz of my scars
i'm not ashamed of them
but people will judge me
when they see the word
"die" carved into my thigh
pants will eventually become uncomfortable
but i will persevere through it
i like my scars
they're pretty to me
but others don't think that way
shorts season is here
but i cannot participate

love is like a flame
it can make you warm
or it can burn you
love can caress you
or throw you to the wolves
love can find you your perfect match
or it can find you someone
who'll never give you their time of day

i want to find love
a love that is reciprocated
a love that is gentle and passionate
a love that picks me up
a love that is the one for me
who can laugh at my dumb jokes
who can see me for me
who can show me the good in the world

i always seem to find the love that hurts
a love that beats me down
a love that hates me for me
who only loves the idea of me

maybe this time will be different

yes you're my crush
yes you make me blush
i love your smile
i think about it for a while
i want to hear your laughter
please don't let this end in a disaster
wrap your arms around me
let the love run free
i'm falling head over heels
you got me weak in the knees
you're so weird and quirky
and I feel unworthy

when I met you
I knew that there would
never be another you
I think of you on the daily
but alas
miles of roads separate us
my feelings are true
whether they're reciprocated
or not
there will never be another you

they say your skin is completely new after 7 years
it's been 7 years
but your touch still lingers
I see you everywhere
even though you aren't there
your presence haunts me
distrusting other me
because of you
you were supposed to protect me
but you hurt me instead
how can I trust after that
you violated me
and acted like nothing was wrong
like it didn't consume me
with fear and disgust and anger
how dare you do this to me
you told me to never let anyone touch me there
but you broke the rule and did it yourself
I was just a kid
it's been 7 years
but it still haunts me

reality is very jarring
it's so different from my books
I love the escape
all the different worlds I can experience
so much better than reality

the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird

my hands graze the keyboard
words swirl like a whirlwind in my mind
stuck in a cage
held captive
the words can't escape
my hands graze the keyboard
then shut the laptop off
why?
my efforts are fruitless
with the writers block
holding my down

I'd slit my own throat
just to see if you'd mourn me
I used to give people tests
just to see if they cared about me
it always hurt me
I tore myself limb by limb
trying to prove that I was unlovable
because the thought of someone
loving me
was unfathomable

tick tick tick
the clock is ticking
closer and closer the day will come
when I leave this school
and never look back
I'll look ahead
at my future
and my new beginning
a fresh start where I can be myself
freely without the fear of judgement
going to a more accepting college
where my identity is more than
a cruel joke
to be used against me

the loneliness glides over my skin
burrows deeps
and settles into my bones
no matter what I do
it never leaves
I could talk all day to everybody
I could have a million friends
but I would still feel the same
lonely
soul chilling loneliness
never ceasing

morning dew coating the fresh grass
pitter pattering rain showers
green foliage growing on trees
flowers budding in gardens
sun shining in a cloudy sky
the air chilly and warm
nature rebirth
dancing in the rain
jumping in mud puddles
basking in the rays of light

wet sand squelches between my toes
hot rays of sunshine beat against my skin
waves ripples in the lake
ice cream drips from the cone onto my hand
tank tops and shorts and swimsuits
sweet lemonade as the ice cubes clink in the glass
school's out and relaxing's in
walking through the cool forest
a relief from the sweltering sun
diving into the pool
and splashing your friends
refreshing breeze as the sun sets

the letters form in my head
colliding to form words
but they don't make sense
and the page stays blank
just when I think I've got it
it wiggles out of my grasp
and writer's block wraps me
in its shackles

the night I tried to end it all
replays in my head
every single **** day
it tortures me
makes me relive it
I don't want to remember that night
the pounding heart
and the heart ceasing beating
the puke
the shaking and trembling
the hyperventilating
and the not breathing
I relive it everyday
I just wish it would leave me alone
I don't want to remember the misery
the dying
the pain on my parent's faces
it terrifies me when I think about that night

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than the water of the womb

obsessive or pure
deadly or wholesome feeling
suffer or embrace

bright
cheerful
delighted
blissful
ecstatic
elated
overjoyed
glee­ful