where has my youth gone? I scream in despair
my knees creak and groan
my back cracks and aches
I can't focus on anything
and I'm no longer the gifted child
where has my youth gone? I scream in despair
I used to have heaps of energy
now I struggle to walk up a flight of stairs
I used to stay up into the early morning hours
and go to school awake and afresh
now if I go to bed at 10pm
I wake up like I pulled an all-nighter
where has my youth gone? I scream in despair
it was here just a minute ago
but now it has vanished

the sickness has claimed me
the plague has overtaken my body
aches and pains
raw and runny nose
bedridden and exhausted
this night may be my last

I wish I could be lithe
agile and graceful
limber and sure-footed
not a single trip or tumble
but instead I'm clumsy
awkward and uncoordinated
with butter fingers
and two left feet
I trip and tumble
drop things and fumble
I wish I could be lithe
but instead the universe
made me clumsy

I was sitting by a pond
gazing into the water
when I heard uncertain footsteps
Fear tentatively sat down beside me
" what are you doing in college?
it's so far away.
you need to be at home with your parents.
it's familiar and comfortable."
he says to me
"sometimes being comfortable means you
stop growing and experiencing things."
I replied
"but aren't you scared?
you should be."
"of course I'm scared.
but fear is part of life and you get to choose
whether you're going to let it
limit you."
Fear nods his head
finally understanding
he gets up and walks away
I bask in the cool breeze
and soak in the sun
breathing in the crisp air
as my heart rate slows
and peace settles over me

noxious animals are colorfully bright
the vibrance and patterns a warning
a warning to not get too close
that they're a danger
it's protection for them
I douse myself in all the colors of the rainbow
warning the wrong people to stay away
and the right people, the people like me
will stay
it's a warning for some
and an invitation for others

I may seem stoic in this new situation
and for a while I was fine
then it hit me like a truck
my heart was the only casualty
tears threatened to spill
but I kept them at bay
I'm an adult
but I'll always miss my parents
I just want to hug them goodnight
but 2 and a half hours of driving separate us
I may seem stoic in this new situation
but on the inside my heart aches for them
stoicism is just a mask for the internal havoc of emotions

the water is pulling me in
pulling me under
churning around me
as my lungs fill with the salty ocean spray
I hear the name of the maelstrom
loneliness
loneliness is drowning me
deep into its depths
this maelstrom of loneliness is killing me
will it ever end?
will I ever swim to shore
and escape it's wrath?
maybe hope is in the horizon

I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties about college
a new place with new people and new experiences
that always lets the nerves to creep in and take control
but this time is different
I feel confident and accomplished
I take this time in my life in strides
and I succeed
it's only been 2 full days of classes
but I got this
so I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties
about college
I am thriving
now I just need some friends (other than my roommate)

I wake up in a panic
my clothes stuck to me with sweat
heart pounding
mind racing
your touch lingers on my skin
I want to scrub it off
the scent of you fills the room
and panic threatens to suffocate me
my throat closes up
and tears run down my cheeks
those tragic flashbacks
they take me back to those moments
I wish they would go away
three people responsible
for the ***** feeling I can never wash away
you invaded me
knocked down my guards
and stole something I didn't want you to have
the revulsion of your actions
churn in my stomach
the lack of proof gives you opportunity
opportunity to do it to someone else
the shame of keeping it secret fills me
I wish I spoke up sooner
but fear clamped my mouth shut

in a world full of filters
and plastic surgery
and fake influencers
it's hard to find verisimilitude
people lie for money
or fame
or for a grain of attention
how can we tell what's real
and what's a facade
but I see a speck of hope
this community is full of verisimilitude
our words flow from our fingers
leaving us stripped to our bones
and vulnerable
as we pour our hearts out
and bare our souls
finding likeminded individuals
who understand our pain
and joy
and sadness
and love
this community is full of verisimilitude

the door swung open
gusts of wind pushing be back
as I stumble from the force
yes it is true
I have witnessed a tempest
my hair whips my face from the gales
chills ripple under my skin from the freezing air
yes it is a tempest
such a commanding storm
the walls creak from the dominating weather
such a beautiful violence

I feel like I'm running out of time
seconds minutes hours days months
all slipping from my grasp like sand
like I'm not doing enough
like there's not enough time for my dreams
it seems like yesterday I was 14
now I'm on my way to college in a month
not enough time
slipping away from me
can I do this in my limited lifespan
I may seem young
and that I have plenty of time
but it seems to pass me by faster and faster
maybe I'll blink and wow!
another year will've passed

I write and write and write
in no way am I laconic
the words flow and flow and flow
pages and pages and pages filled
watching notebooks pile up
my thoughts and emotions
filling each page
my very essence poured into my poetry
laconic is never and will never
be a part of me

I am comfortable with veracity
facts are true and unchanging
solid and reliable
something I can depend on
but my emotions hit me at full force
they leave me out of my depth
they're chaotic and everchanging
it's like being thrown in off a cliff
and struggling to swim in a choppy ocean
I can say I'm going to college
that's a fact
but emotions come in to play
when I think of how I'm leaving
my parents and cats
eagerness and uncertainty
hope and fear
excitement and homesickness

one simple word is holding
me captive
my thoughts begin to bombinate
inside my head
you left me on read
I'm trying to stay calm
and rational
but my thoughts bombinate
inside my head
and my overthinking self
kicks in
what if you don't want to be
friends any longer
what if you were too busy to respond
what if I annoy you
what if you forgot to reply
my thoughts bombinate
in my head
as I struggle to stay rational
and calm

I love writing
whether it's poetry
or creating stories
it would be a dream come true
if I could do this for a living
but the voice in the back of my head
is dubious
it tells me things that bring my hope down
what if I'm not good enough at this
what if no one likes my words
what if I lose my passion
and I'm left with nothing
but dubious thoughts

sorrow overfills my soul
when I think of what my
younger self endured
they didn't deserve that
all the pain and suffering
and the hunger and tears
the panic and fear
the shattered trust
sorrow overfills my soul
when I think of what my
younger self endured

I don't want to be altruistic
or a people pleaser
or a doormat
my bones ache from giving in
to everything
shouldering all the burdens
ignoring my issues
listening to the tears of others
and hiding mine in the darkness
I don't want to be altruistic
or a people pleaser
or a doormat
I want to stand up for myself
to be assertive
to have time to myself
I don't want to be altruistic

I want to be like the cool kids
my younger self wished
that wish went unheard
I stayed true to myself
even through bullying
and stares
I can be the cool kid
cool is subjective
it's what you make it
I can be myself
and be cool
at the same time
I wish I could be like the cool kids
but having friends like you
is way better than changing yourself
to fit in with others
be authentic
be bold
be YOU

the horrors you committed against me
are egregious
that I find it hard to talk about
yet you swear high and low
that my accusations are calumny
you will lie about what you did
until the day you die
but I just wanted you to love me
and you felt lust instead
you were supposed to be my dad
now you are nothing to me
my new family believes me
and knows that your denials
are falsehood
you can swear up and down
that my accusations are calumny
but I know the truth

romantic relationships are so tantalizing
I crave romance
they don't have to be a prepossessing sight
just be kind and funny
hold me on my bad days
smile with me on my good days
treat me right
cuz I've never felt healthy love
I crave romantic love
but each time I receive it
it's toxic
or it slips through my fingers
like sand
they don't have to be a prepossessing sight
just love me for me

I think I need to write pages of malarkey
all jumbled up and confusing
everything in my brain onto paper
maybe this will cure my writers block
let the words come out garbled
and chaotic
until they flow out steadily

"you need me" the blade says
"I''ll make you feel good
just let me kiss your skin"
the blade says
last year I might have given in
or at least considered it's offer
I had this pain so heavy in my heart
weighing me down
it seemed like the only option
I turn my head away
and ignore the blade's plea
I will not break
I will not give in
my pain is no longer
I am free from it's chains
the shackles have broken off
my skin holds no wounds
they're not needed any longer

I used to love the sun on my skin
warming me from the outside in
then an aberration change happened
now it torments me
it rays bury deep
making me wobbly
and dizzy
making me tired
and nauseous
making my heart pound
and my mind into mush
the heat is my kryptonite
slowly draining me
once I'm in its grasp

I have all these words piling up in my brain
stacking up on each other
but I can't string them into words
and into coherent sentences
I have this urge to write write write
but alas, I can't
the words don't make sense
and as soon as an idea comes to me
it floats away
out of my reach
I can't find my passion
what I am I without my words
how can I be a poet
if I have no words

clinginess is my predilection
hugs from behind
being held in another's arms
soft kisses pressed against my lips
caressing my skin
running their fingers through my hair
love letters expressing their feelings
meaningful gifts just because
shared smiles
comfortable silence
hours of talking about everything
and nothing
clinginess is my predilection

I've had a myriad of failed relationships
each one tore my heart open
but this one is different
however, not in a good way
they're so distant and cold
more like an acquaintance
than a partner
but maybe they need time
I'm trying to not overthink it
but alas, I am failing

a suit of armor sitting in a corner
cobwebs and dust settling in the crevices
give it a new life with some polishing
scrub and scrub the dirt off
the metal now looks anew
gleaming in the sun
shining bright
a fresh beauty displayed proudly
the gleaming suit of armor

you say you're clingy
is that true?
maybe you are
but not with me
you say you love me
but I say that's too soon
if you claim to love me
please show it
cuz all I've gotten
are short replies
hours of silence
and no acknowledgement
of my existence
you say you love me
but that's too soon
you say you're clingy
is that true?

their eyes are a deep coffee brown
rich like Mother Earth's soil
captivating like a siren
leading a sailor to certain death
******* me in like mud on a
rainy day
pleonasm

you were so lovely
yet in a tremendous amount of pain
the pain went away
but so did your life
it was a pyrrhic victory
I'm glad you aren't in pain
any longer
but the feeling is bittersweet
it was a pyrrhic victory
as you crossed
the rainbow bridge
rest easy buddy

the way you talk enraptures me
all I can focus on is you
and listen to what you saying
your big brown eyes
are mesmerizing
you have such a bright
and happy personality
you're so kind and funny
your art is incredible
your smile is infectious
and beautiful
I've never met someone like you

he caused me pain
and let chaos invade my life
so I left him behind
but then they came into my life
and confessed their feelings
I didn't know how to feel
I still don't
fear and curiosity flooded my brain
the fear of being hurt
and tossed aside again
the curiosity of a new beginning
and a possible new love
I like learning about them
and hearing them rant
maybe they're the right one for me
I'm testing the waters
I don't want to get hurt again
but you'll never know
if you don't try

my sweet baby Caesar
orange fur flying around
deep grumbly purr
light green eyes
judgmental and cuddly
introverted and quiet
you were taken far too soon
we'll miss you buddy
my caesar salad
my gingersnap snickerdoodle
my chicken nugget
we love you Caesar
rest easy now
the pain you were in is gone

I remember 12 year old me
13 year old me
14 year old me
15 year old me
16 year old me
17 year old me
crying alone at night
a blade in hand
carving into my body
blood staining my clothes
never thinking it could get better
but it got better
the blade is retired
the scars are healed
never to be reopened

you were so mercurial
that I had to leave
I wasn't good enough
I couldn't be broken
by you

the little frog was zippy
zipping down the flower stem
skipping across the pond
chilling in the cool water
soaking in the bright sunlight
watching the flowers sway in the soft breeze
the little frog was zippy

I am desultory when it comes to
how I never want to speak to you again
I haven't unadded you on social media
maybe I should
should I?
I don't watch your insta stories
that's a good step
I don't talk to you anymore
good for me

it has been days since I last talked to you
it's been very freeing
not having to worry about saying
the wrong thing
and being too much
or not enough
I could never be just right for you
there was always something wrong
with me or what I did or said
it's so freeing not talking to you
being ignored or forgotten
I am free now that I'm no
longer trapped in the shackles
disguised as love and kindness
that you gave me

nature has such a mellifluous sound
birds chirping to one another
branches swaying in the wind
streams trickling down the ground
nature has such a mellifluous sound

I'm running out of time
run run running out of time
time to share my story
my words
let them flow onto the page
run run running out of time
more words more words
I need more
I need to explain my pain
and healing
I'm running out of time
more words
more lines
more sentences
more paragraphs
I'm running out of time
time to share my story
run run running out of time

what is love
I do not know
maybe I am destined
to never know
it's touch

the bugs crawl under my skin
as my mind fades into darkness
my heart stills, cold in my chest
stiff hands gripped by loved ones
blank glazed over eyes
rotting flesh falling off my bones

I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for putting you first
before myself
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you wanted me
I'm not sorry for loving you
but I'm sorry for thinking you were the one
I'm not sorry for loving you
I'm not sorry I stopped loving you
I'm not sorry for wanting nothing to do with you
I'm not sorry
I'm done with you

do you ever think about how
you could've walked
by your soulmate
your future love
and never knew it
just a stranger then
but soon enough
the love of your life
how strange that is

I used to think that without a partner
I wasn't whole
that I needed someone to complete me
what I didn't realize is that
I am 100% by myself and
a partner should also be 100%
200% combined
I am complete by myself
I don't need someone to make me whole
I am whole
a partner should be an addition
not a completion
I am whole by myself
I am complete

my old heart only beat for others
now it beats for me

I want to be the dandelion
growing in between the cracks
in the sidewalk
living in spite
of everything trying to
**** it

her sillage settled in my room
after she left
it brings back memories of
what we did that night
your lips pressed against mine
my hands on you soft skin
feeling the curves of your body
I was high on your touch
couldn't get enough
always needed more of you
now you're gone
and all I'm left with
are the memories

the sheer diaphanous veil
covered the bride's face
she was suppressing tears
not tears of joy
but of sadness
she had no choice in this marriage
forced to don the white lacey dress
slather on makeup
and walk down the aisle
and swear to marry a stranger
and obey his every command