You don’t love me
You finally said so
After all this time
After all these years
After all the breakups
After all the comebacks
After all the smiles
After all the laughs
After all the ***
After all the pain
After all the trips
After all the money
After all
After all the love;

You didn’t.

The rhythm of your breaths as you fall asleep comfort me from all the pain you’ve caused me.
The trickle in and oozing our of your oxygen fills me life as I recall the sensation of those breaths on my neck as we are tangled up.
The smell of my love for you grows stronger as the fire of the candle I have for you burns it’s wax, singes it’s wick, escapes it’s glass and sets a house a blaze.
The taste of the salt from the tears that roll down my face as I yearn to feel your arms wrapped about me again.
I just can’t see you.
And you can’t see me.
You can’t see the look on my face when you tell me that you’ll always care as if that can ever take the place of the thousands of I love you’s that you’ve sprinkled me with.
You can’t see the sadness in my eyes when you tell me about her. Your new her.
You can’t see how dear I still hold you to every cell of my being and each second without you causes one of them to implode in search for it’s other.

We’re just friends now.
And that’s “ok”.

What does it even mean?
We all just bump and bob around
Running into each other
Dodging each other
Just missing each other
Crossing paths?
Knocking each other off paths
And onto new ones
Or into walls
Or off cliffs.

I made a decision about you.
Finally.
I’m sticking to it this time.
I’m moving forward.
I’m moving on.
I’m removing you from me.
I’m removing us from me.
I’m removing we from my vocabulary.
I’m removing your ring.
It was a promise.
We both broke it.

8am
We wake up
I’m encased between your pillowy arms
Your curly hair caresses my cheek
Your breath tickles my neck
Your nose, so cold, slightly shocking me every other breath.
I don’t know you
Yet so much comfort came with you
So much...
Dare I say that four letter word.
Just. So much.

When can I see you again?

but i know its probably me
but i know i wont take responsibility
but i know i'll find a way to make you apologize
but i know we've been here a million times
but i know that my love for you is like fire
but i know that it burns you
but i know that you think the way i shine is beautiful
but i know that i hurt your eyes
but i know that each time you close them and trust me its unbearable

and so we are left with one option.

while i shine, crackle, pop, burn
you must sway.

you water and i fire.

separate
we?
beautiful.

together
we!
evaporate us both.

It’s crazy.
Lust and love are not the same.
Yet is one.
A love for lust and
A lust for love and
All of that for you
Is what I want.
It’s what I feel.
But love and lust
Don’t work in harmony.
And neither do we.

I can feel it
Licking me
Tasting me
The way you used too
Burning me
The way you do now
Scolding me
When I stare
Leaving me each night
Only to return and start again

I’ll spend the rest of my life walking in the shade
Not getting burnt
Not missing you when you’re gone

And
Not feeling warmth.

I’m cold.

the shudders and cries
the pain and the loss
leave my head numb
leave my body aching
you said you loved me
you said you didn’t love me
I left
You left
I came back
You accepted me
You loved me
You didn’t love me
You loved me
I cried
I shuddered
I stayed
You’re all that I want
I continue to shudder

And just like that you were gone.
No photos of the way your touch electrocuted me.
No video of the charge between your lips and my neck.
No archive of the fullness of you inside me.
No remnants of these moments beside the fragments of burnt film strips in my head.

And the vague words we share.

I don’t know you but I want you. Again.

And just like that my bed feels lonely again.
A lover.
A heartbreak.
Tears.
A lover.
Tears.
A heartbreak.
A lover.
No heartbreak.
Just tears.
Just distance.
Again.
Distance.

Again.

When it comes to people
There comes my passion
There comes my dedication.
When it comes to people
There comes my pain
There comes my detriment.
When it comes to people.

Why do I continue to love.