imagine how boring of a world it would be if there were no problems
we would have nothing to work forward to
imagine how terrible that would be
we all have our problems and that's what keeps us motivated
like we are all sitting in this circle trying to pretend that we have no problems
when that seriously is not the case
we all have our issues and our problems
and that's what helps us individualize ourselves a little bit
those issues are what drive us to overcome these obstacles
so why are we trying to pretend like we are perfect

the day i saw your eyes
filled to the brim with heatrbreak
my soul shattered
seeing how my actions could break another so
but as i stood in front of you i watched it change
i watched that shattered heart form into a mess of blind hatred
and i think that didn't make me mourn but made me pity
to see how one could switch from love to hate in a matter of seconds
i pitied how your moment of vulnerability made you hateful
your moment of vulnerability was maybe the most of you i ever saw
because in your eyes i saw everything
and to see that seeing me you angered you so
my presence was enough to send you over the edge
that's what made me pity you most
i once held remorse for shattering your heart but then i couldn't

oh how strange it is the way we learn that heartbreak and hatred are in love
the strange dance they play on one's emotions and actions
the vulnerability and fury in a tangle
and how we can only see this moment through the heartbroken's eyes

i am not the night sky
although we are similar in the fact that i am not always clear and i don't always look as pretty in pictures
this is for one simple reason
i am human
and i cannot be compared to an object
even as complex as the sky, i am by far more complex than it could ever be
i feel things and i think through things
i try new things and sometimes i change how i look
i add variety in my life and nothing can change that fact
so to compare a human, like myself, is so abnormal
because how could something so simple ever compare to the vastness that a human holds
it shouldn't be spoken of or let alone be thought of
but it is because we as a species are constantly trying to find ourselves in things
whether they be other humans or something as simple as the night sky
we always wish to see bits of ourselves and feel a connection with
this bit of information should shine light on a fact
we should be able to find security within ourselves
but it is rather difficult when society and other people try to push the idea that we will see ourselves in something
because that is not always the case
and to try to make ourselves seem so simple is so absolutely absurd
because what makes us human is our expansive ability to be unique
to be incomparable is what it means to be human

as i drove by on the interstate
i looked outside my window
and i saw flashes of light produced by fireflies
but i could only see blinks of it for the speed wouldn't allow me to take it in
and it was then that i realied
i don't want to live life on full speed
i want to live life to where i have enough time to sit and take in everything
to not feel as though i'm running out of space to stand on the treadmill
where i have to keep running to live comfortably
i want to sit and admire the fireflies
i want to be able to spend hours reading and talking
i want to live life at my own pace
and not at one set up for me

as the kind of person i am, i don't regret any of my decisions
because I've made my decisions and there is nothing i can do now
they've occurred and i can feel bad about making them
but i never regret them, because there's no use wishing i could change them
this aspect of me becomes prominent after a loss
recently it feels as though there's been a lot of loss
and it's terrible, i hate the feeling of it
but loss shows me a lot of things
loss has shown me that sometimes it's not the losing that hurts
it's the lost effort and feelings and time
it's the lost emotion that hurts me most
people walk in and out of our lives and we have no control over that fact
but they take moments and little pieces of us along with them
but we take a little bit of them as well
and sometimes what we take hurts
loss teaches us how valuable our moments are
that every little moment is worth something
regardless of how small we think it is
because one day we or somebody else might not see it as miniscule
but as a miraculous moment that is impacting on their life
loss doesn't erase these impacts and hurts on us though
it might even enunciate them
and loss doesn't make the sadness of losing that person go away
time does
and even though time takes away that pain we have those moments
you should never regret those moments
whether they be good moments or bad moments
you took them with you for a reason
i think me as the person i am
certain moments shine light on certain aspects of myself
and loss shines light on my inability to regret moments
although some may see that as a bed things and call me emotionless
i view it as a tool to view moments a little differently than others
to view them as valuable and worth remembering

i'm so tired of having to break these walls down only to have to rebuild them
at this point, i'm out of energy
so the walls are just going to stay up from now on
i'm not even going to try and break them down
let them build up as they please
i don't care how unhealthy it is to let them exist
but i'm tired of trying to let people in only to bet hurt
i've tried too hard to make other people happy
to not make myself happy
so ***** it
let the walls stay, **** it when you tell me to open up
i'm so sick of opening up and then shutting down again
i don't care if you've been there when the door has opened
it's shut now
and it's not opening anymore

i have this sudden longing to feel life again
it seems as though the past few years it's disappeared from me
and i just need to feel it
i need to go to an ocean and feel the water move beneath my feet
to see the fishes swimming and thriving
i need to sit in the front of a car with music playing
to be with my favorite people and feel the wind against my fingers
i need to be in the woods on a rainy day
to hear the water hit the trees and feel the droplets fall to my cheek
i need to feel something and life seems to be the best fitting right now
i need to be somewhere i can breathe
where i can exist and not be forced to be anything
where i can feel mother nature pumping through me
life just seems to pulse through her and i need some of it to transfer to me