On caffeine nights when I study late
And drink for concentration,
I lay awake with open eyes
Wishing I could sleep
Peacefully and dream relaxing dreams.

Dreams where I conjure
Up images of running in fields
Of clover or corn
Of wet sand between our toes
With the tide rolling in and out over our feet,
Or lying in bed
Holding you in my arms
Sharing love to Quincy Jones.

I lay awake under the covers
Cold in the room above the blankets
Where I am warm and secure
Wishing I could sleep and dream.

Sometimes we cry for sleep
Where we can be alone in our beds
Without companionship
We don’t know if we want
But we know we sometimes need.

Yesterday
I was to be still
I was to be small, folded
My body needed darkness
And in absence, re-moulded.

Today
I am muscle contractions
I am cleaving ice
Pulsating, whirring machinery
Oil, wax and spice.

Tomorrow
I hope I am opalescent
Wet with new skin
Creative and energised anew
Flowing, flowing within.

Lines and lines, druggy times.
Bleeding nostrils and racing thoughts.
Fast heart beats and feeling distraught.
Alert and awake, thoughts are chasing me in a maze.
I've lost it, I'm back on the powder.

They call me Kat, because my spirit animal is one of a cat like creature, and my drug of choice.
Fierce, sneaky, stealthy, and mischievous.
Kat is my name, one of many different personalities.
Freaky is her demeanor.

Wired and full of energy, mind is coming down, muscle spasms are happening.
I need to sleep, 2 in the morning and I'm writing forbidden thoughts.
Dreams that are nightmares that aren't stopping, I have no hold.

Will it ever stop?
Control before it becomes an addiction.
Hold, or the demons will rain, toxic tears to my waking existence.

If the leap of faith is
a quantum one
unexpected company
wants some
and
John
could be
strategically insignificant,
legally
deemed incompetent,

I
rest my case
reset my face
and place an order at
the bar.

My Sunday
so far
so good.

Tell me,
How many sips does it take,
How many puffs does it take,
How many pills does it take,
How many sniffs does it take,
How many needles does it take,
To feel the way I do?