Why do our badly hidden lies
always end in anger-driven goodbyes?

you make me
I printed the photo of you dancing in the sunset
you played the piano
I played the guitar
you were in tears when I first sang for you
I started singing

you asked me to walk you home
I was going to anyway
you complained about the December cold
I then kissed you under the mistletoe
you pressed your head against mine
I whispered I love you
you told me I was your everything

I told you we had dated for 4 years now
you said I hope its forever
I stepped back
you had that glimmer in your eye

I knelt down on one knee
you were already on one knee
I had a ring
you had a ring

I asked you to be with me forever
you kissed me
I married you on the 18th
you gave birth to our child on the 14th

I will never be without you
you are my world

I will never forget the day that
I
and
you
became

us.

i love you today & tomorrow & tomorrow’s night
i love you forever & ever for the rest of my life,
but you’re gone now,
& i know this.
goodbye now,
we saw this.
& my friends tried to tell me the truth behind your words,
my friends tried to warn me-
they warned me that i’d get this hurt.
but honestly i can’t feel it
my frozen heart is numb
honestly, i can’t feel it
& i think i like that i’m numbed.
if i had one wish-
just one,
i’d spend it on you,
because i want you to have all the things i couldn’t give you-
the things that i couldn’t do.
& i know that you miss me,
as you sit in your purple room, i know that you think of me
just not as much as i think of you.
i can see you in my walls, you know
in each little crack-
i see you in my bed & in my blankets & every single place you were at
you’re lined up in my bookshelf & in every single page & in every single letter
& you’re in all the pictures,
but i just wish i knew you better.
i wish i could convince you to stay
but i know it’d be a waste of time,
i wish i could tell you, i need you
i love you
& that i’m sorry for my lies.
& i wish you understood what i’m feeling & what i’m going through every day
i wish you understood that i’m drowning in a world where drowning is the new age.
& i wanted to draw you & write you with my words
i wanted to touch you until not touching you hurt
& i wanted to love you & kiss you until you screamed at me to stop
but there was no screaming today,
today was just a loss.
& maybe when i look in my mirror, i won’t see green eyes
& maybe when i touch my skin, you’ll stop living inside
but loving you is all i have left to do
so if you want this again,
it’s all set & ready for you.
& i’m washing you out of my hair
& trying to get you out of my eyelids
because i can feel you everywhere
even though you’ve never really been inside them.
& i can cover my ears & pretend that i don’t still hear you
but i can’t close my mouth because i can still feel you
& i miss you-
i miss you like i’ve missed you since middle school
i miss you like i’ve missed you since 7th grade
i miss you like i’ve missed you since three years ago when you & i just
weren’t anything
& i’ve loved you for so long that it’s all that i breathe
& i’m inhaling water so it’s very hard to scream,
so if i open my eyes & you want to come back,
honestly, i’d be perfectly okay with that.
& i know things are hard right now-
i know things are tough,
but i love you
i’m just sorry that i wasn’t enough.

Everywhere I go
I am being followed
By your thoughts,
By my fears,
By my lonliness
That I try to get rid of.
I go to places to clear up my head
But every place have some memory related to you
That breaks me again.
It's not a demon that I am afraid of
Getting followed by
But it's the memories related to places I go.
Memories related to you
Memories of us
Memories of time when I was happy from inside
But those memories clash now with the reality
And haunt me like I'm it's prey.

I am completely undone
by the vowels of his name
his words feel like
church
he laugh like
Sunday
his hurt is like water
and his strength is rain

He only knew pain
but preached resilience
the first time we touched
I swore it healed us

I never thought
being seen
could feel so vulnerable

The scars he holds
in his heart;
on his body
give me a high
I never thought
I would find

and he shows them to me willingly
he isn’t afraid of anything

But I am afraid of everything