"Tell me who", she asked
She insisted to know my imaginary beloved
"It's you", I replied
And she shouted at me "rascal, I'll complain about it."
I said sorry, my bad
It's just a joke.
She smiled
And all was at ease.

i watch the sunlight drown
it dives down full of despair
i see you closely behind me
in the shadows of the dark
tears streaming like rivers down your
beautiful face
i reach out to caress you
but as soon as i touch your face
i am burned, you are made of fire

you ignited a fire inside my bones
i am now a part of you
i’m too close to the flame
my heart is now scorched ashes
thanks to you, i’m melting into you
“i’m sorry” you say as our souls fuse together as one again

burn me once, shame on you
burn me twice, i am yours once again

I had been thinking of writing this to you  for so many days. I have always considered you as my dearest friend  and had always been silly in front of you.  But let's come to the root of the matter, why am I writing this ?

you see, throughout life, we meet one person who is unlike. The person you could forever talk to,  someone who understand you in a way that no one else does or ever could.  This person is your soulmate your best friend, and I'm really lucky to find that person  in you.

for all the things my hand have held, the best by far is you. I don't know when it all come to me, when I started to fall for you, but now you are the only person that matters. I admire you,  you seriously are so beautiful, Such a darling. And now I can't hide it anymore. it was afraid,  of the fear of losing you, that  this might go the wrong way, and with all the exam pressures on head, I didn't feel it to be the first idea. but love is an untamed force. when we try to control it, it destroys us.

when we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused. Samridhi, the very person I'm so lively always,  the owner of world's most amazing eyebrow,  and a true candid queen ,  I'm absolutely, completely love you. I have no reason as to why I love you, I just know I do. Not just parts or qualities of you, but you as a whole.  Every heart sings a song,  incomplete, until another heart Whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song.

At the touch of  a lover, everyone become a poet.  I don't expect anything in return. I knows expectations hurts this letter should not change anything between us.  I just want you to meet me with that charming smile of yours,  always, because  it makes me feel up, seeing an angel smile at me. I never was in a hurry, will never be in one. Take your time, yes no is all up to you.  I'm happy with whatever I share with you thank you. for being a special irreplaceable part of my life.

I held your hand as you disentangled from her
you did not move closer to me

I assuaged your worst fears
you fueled mine

I was fully present and attentive
you took calls that came in . . . and didn’t call back

I asked questions
you answered different ones

I made you a playlist
you never acknowledged

I made plans and reservations
you did not show

I gave you the benefit of every doubt
you did not reassure me

I made myself vulnerable
you remained ensconced

I created space in my life
you did not explore

I dared to dream about us
you dreamed about . . . I don’t know

I gave you my body
you reached for your phone

I gave you my heart
you did not reciprocate

I get it now
you are just not that into me

Only wish I knew sooner.
Goodbye.

Journal entry #2

Today I finally decide to truly let go.
I no longer want her friendship, just like she has countlessly rejected my love. It is cruel and unfair to expect opposite feelings of the other.
We found each other against all odds, she approached me with intrigue and decadence, hoped for comfort, but let it all go when the bell rang. Like holding an infant in your arms, looking for care and attention, begging for patience and vision to give it the chance to grow strong and beautiful. Instead left under a bridge too weak and brittle to keep it.
I think I made her happy, but her warmth dissipated as soon as I had to leave, the mistake perhaps was to tell her that I love you. But she never wanted a serious relationship, she just wanted a connection with a man who acknowledged her, made her feel good, desired, important and seek out thrill in her stressful mundane life.
My purpose was served, and I felt disposed of. It has been one long year since the day I had to go, hoping to return.
I don’t want to know anything about her life anymore. Any news will hurt and enrage me. She hurt me so deeply and profoundly she is afraid of what she has done, she feels guilt for not loving me and rejecting a loving man, while I now feel guilt for expecting and forcing feelings onto her fragile soul.
We are equally selfish.
I burdened her with emotional presence from afar, when all she desired was peace and repent in silence. I don’t want to keep hurting her by caring. Today she said, “as soon as you appear in my life it becomes too hard and painful that I will not answer you in return”. Being friends with me would make her happy, she wants to be friends. But being friends is all that it will ever be while we shared such passionate and intimate times together. Her friendship is not enough, I want her in her entirety. I am convinced at this stage there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind. You may think you’re not good enough for me or that you cannot be with someone who you cannot love because love is alien to you, or because circumstances make it so. If you just let go, I would travel across the world and catch you.
It is all in your mind…
Now… By letting go of you entirely. By letting go of the constant hum of your omnipresence in my heart, of wondering what you’re thinking and if you will keep remembering me. We let each other heal and gradually forget a little more each passing day. You will find a man, I am sure. But you will never find someone who loved you more than I do now. Never.
I cherish the time I had with you. I wish things could go differently. I may still decide to go to Russia, perhaps not so soon and for different reasons. But I would also like to deliver on my promise, the promise I made to you a year ago. “I promise to come back”. Perhaps as friends this time, if I’m ready. Oh God. If I become a new man.
To my beloved Nastya. I love you. Goodbye.