I'm so sick of writing about pain, and how it's taking me over.
I wanna scream for everything to stop.
the pain and hurt and sickness.
curl myself up in a ball and forget what it was like to feel.... I just wanna stop feeling everything so deeply for just a second so I can start thinking clearly.
I'm somewhat convinced the darkness hates me, refusing to give me any sort of rest.
I've forgotten what the word sleep means.
nobody knows what happens behind that door after 11. the room slowly starts closing in on itself, leaving me such little room to breathe.
It reminds me of everything I've done wrong, everything I've lost.... you.
I've tried to tune it out.... refusing to let it get to me, but always.... it always found a way to rip me apart so silently, so meaninglessly.
no one would believe me even if I told them.
"how can the darkness be so cruel? go to sleep."
I can feel their voices clogging my lungs, everything they say is another stab to my already bleeding heart.
I will scream.... but nobody will hear my pleas for peace.

you think you broke me into a thousand little pieces when you left. and to be truthfully honest you did, but how could I ever tell you that? you left without a second thought, not caring at all about how I felt, or what this would do to such a passionate feeling soul.
so I will never tell you.... that I have sworn to myself, like an oath. keeping secrets has gotten somewhat easier since you left, I don't have to lie to myself about how I thought you would stay, or that you truly loved me. I'd like to say it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but that would be a lie in itself.
somehow I feel empty, but a thousand pounds heavier since your departure.
It doesn't make sense, but nothing did with you.
so I guess I'll keep going, no other option. but I'll do it with a smile on my face (even if it's fake). always remembering that you have broken me but at least you will never know how much....

I woke with too much purpose this morning.
I swear it was me
who split the dark sky open
like pointed steel through wood.

The sharp hack of existence hit
when I visualized my wallet
on the kitchen counter,
leaning against that vase
with the snake on it.

Second in line
at the grocery store,
cart overflowing.

I remember joining,
Like it was only yesterday.
That letter of acceptance in my email,
I felt as if I was a master of writing.

But now it's been months,
And I've loved every minute.
For poetry was a fine wine I could not afford to enjoy,
Now I swim in it.

"I wonder", asked one
"Why do you wear that watch
The one that doesn't even run"
"Why not repair it?" wondered another
"I wonder,
Why even bother with an analog?", asked another
"I will do one better”, said another
Why wear one at all when you have a phone?"
They all wondered
And left

But here I am
I wonder too,
Why do I wear a mask outside?
Hiding the pain inside
Why can't I let go?
Even though I must
Why am I stuck in time, just as my watch?

I wonder too

I store measured meanings
all definitions neatly arranged in drawers,
to calm the mind and heart.

I see with human eyes,  
carefully tracing the pulse of the planet.
In this apparent chaos, a strict order reigns.

In the cycles of the nightly day and daily night,
the same thoughts come to me like wistful friends,
longing to bridge micro and macro scales,
to merge into oneness.

Waiting in line for health,
I heard that time is relative.
What insightful words
shift meaning
in different contexts.

Trees, animals, human beings—
Each one perceives the flow of time
through a different lens…

If I were a butterfly
its three weeks would be my entire life.
How sad it is that
I cannot truly appreciate
a single second of a butterfly’s day.
Its rhythm moves beyond my awareness.

To people, Eternity is a never-ending story
of unrecognized fields of unknown space.
To ethereal, thoughtful giants
just a fleeting instant,
the blink of the universe
across the slender strait.

I can whisper or scream,
cry, laugh,
or remain silent for years,
but on a grander scale,
it will be nothing more than
a dainty breath of spring wind.

So please don’t be upset with me
that I can’t feel the same as you do now.
To you,
this is the endless painful abyss.
To me,
it’s just a passing memory
of deep night vanishing
into a new dawn of becoming.