Nicotine*

I write this under a reading light,
my hand a shadow,
moving along the page.
I write this because you
told me I could share,
and because I've never really
shared the words that make
my hands tingle.

I write this because
you are my Toluene -
you stir my mind matter
in ways no one else does.
You make me panic,
then relieved, then okay,
then glad to be yours,
and then...

You turn into my nicotine;
The coldness of my body
not pressed against yours
seeps through my skin,
and the withdrawal symptoms begin.

I'm this person today, but tomorrow I'll be someone else
Do not become attached to me,
I'm not the same as I was yesterday  
I'm not the same person you once knew,
I'm not pure
I'm not an angel
I'm far from perfect...
If I talk to you today,
I won't talk to you tomorrow,
I don't know what's going on with me,
All I know is that I don't belong...

If I remember you today
and I forget you tomorrow
Forgive me,
I'm not feeling so well . .
I'm sick and im aware
I'm unconscious of the on-going flings
I tend to make,

If I laugh with you tonight
And show you no emotion tomorrow,
Forgive my judgement...
I live for moments in minutes ,
I die in a matter of hours,
My love is here sometimes
And then it is gone...
I am made of steel,

It's sad to say I can no longer feel....

Anxiety

Mind racing
Heart pounding
Head spinning
Hands shaking
Knees trembling
Eyes watering
Stomach churning
Lungs panting
Chest aching

You are under attack