Seem to only be myself
When I’m mad
When I wanna fight
When the world is caving in
And I can’t get past the need to scream.
Speaking up, speaking out
Just to be shut down
Never noticed the smile fade
Never batted an eye as the world within wasted away.

seem to only be yours
When I’m quiet
When I’m following your non-existent lead
Down into the depths of oblivion.
No doubt you’ll lead me to my death
No doubt the flowers will spring where I wept.
Our causality;
A casualty ripped to the marrow.
Ruining this reality;
So I dissociate,
Since I can’t amputate.

Seem to only be alive
When I’m breathing
But the air is full of sadness
And I’m choking on your ego.
I wanna learn to forget
But my love language is words.
All I hear is how much you hate me
Or wish I were someone else
As if that’s supposed to endear me to you
Make me not want to crawl into myself
Make me wish turning the wheel wasn’t so easy
The letters I wrote, may they never be read
But I know there’s only rest for the dead.

Veiled wounds in the mind
A tired soul cant use honey to catch the flies
Too many attempts, blood flows when she tries
A mirage of water in a desert;
The illusion of calm serenity
Parched and starving on your ideology
I sit wading in the dark, impatiently.
What darkness spills forth now
As the disillusionment wanes
What power in the emptiness
The numb causality of being callously tamed:

A caged animal will bite the hand that bleeds it.

you disrupt me
I'm feeling too much at once
I'm feral but only where you cant see
the line between what makes you
and what hates me
is too close
unsteady in the corners that shielded me
hoping they protect me
from what has always eaten away at me
I give too much
I feel in infinities
"Some infinities are bigger than..."
I wished and I prayed
but hope seems to lag
passive aggressively sailing on by
demanding I switch to live
urging that the way to combat
the will to give
is to take.

From a bench in the park,
I saw myself walking.

And I thought,
he looks good,
he works, he writes,
he does what he loves,
he has something to offer.

What I offer has value,
I have value.

Every morning when I wake up,
I tell myself how much I love myself.

I look in the mirror,
and say:
How beautiful!

I listen to myself
when I have a problem.

I prepare a delicious breakfast,
after work,
in the evenings, I train.

I take care of my friendships
and also my nutrition.

I take care of my appearance
and my thoughts.

I caress myself,
I give myself gifts,
and words of encouragement.

"Every gesture I give myself
is a hug to my soul,
and to my inner child.
I take care of myself, I love myself."

It’s been a long time since I touched pen to paper,
Lost in the rhythm of endless, mediocre days,
Each tomorrow arriving void of hope or wish,
A quiet drift through time’s indifferent haze.

I have known joy, but never at its peak,
Felt sorrow, yet never plunged into the abyss.
I have wondered what I’ve missed,
Haunted by scars left by malice and neglect,
Each mark a whisper of what once was.

Chasing highs, avoiding lows,
I ran so far ahead, I left myself behind.
Did I do so unknowingly, or what I thought of my worth that led my steps astray?
I sought love in fleeting moments,
Connection in safety, sameness, the unknown—
A restless wanderer grasping at ghosts.

Trapped in the solitude of my own mind,
I called it freedom, mistook it for strength,
Blissfully unaware of how unhappy I was—
A prisoner who had long forgotten the cage.

3-8-25   11:59pm

she opens the door
and invites him in
she leaves it open
for him to decide

stay
or
leave

which will he choose?

but it doesn't matter
because she has herself
her beauty
her grace
her humor
her integrity
and most importantly
a huge
beating heart
filled with love