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Christina Cox Dec 2015
My parents ask me questions,
“How was therapy?”
“Are you using your skills?”
“How are you doing?”

My parents want the answers,
“It was good, I learned a lot.”
“Yes I am, my urge to cut is going down.”
“I’m doing great, feeling great.”

But the answers I give are silent,
Fine, please don’t ask about it.
No, I feel like a failure when you know I am.
I’m terrible, I hate myself, I want to die.


My parent’s desire is for me to get better.
While I scream inside because face it,
**I’m not.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If God is real, then I pray to him to heal my mind, body, and soul.
If Christ is real, then I pray to him to take away the pain he knows is real.
If Angels are real, then I pray to my guardian to keep me safe from my own hands.
If Fallen Angels are real, then I pray to them to take my guardian away.
If Demons are real, then I pray to the one inhabiting my body to leave or take over fully.
If Lucifer is real, then I pray to him to send more demons and make me take my own life.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I wish I could tell you what is in my head.
Not just the emotions but the stream of words I never said.
“**** this ****,” and “**** it all.”
“Go to Hell,” and “You’re an *******.”
Sometimes to the people walking down the street.
Often to my family sitting watching television.
But mostly to myself when I’m looking  in a mirror.
To myself though, I say the words out loud.
I also include, “I should just die.”
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I show you these scars what will you think?
The purple ones on my thigh,
the thin pink ones on my stomach,
the thick, raised ones on my arm,
and the small red ones on my wrist.

If I tell you the reasons what will you say?
The self hatred in my heart,
the numb feelings in my soul,
the racing thoughts in my head,
and the moving fingers of my hand.

If I ask you to love me will you tell the truth?
If I ask myself to love me will I tell the truth?
In the end will I go back to what I know?
In the end will I go back to the blades who hold my heart?
The blades who have hold of my soul?
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The person who knows me best
is my worst enemy.
The person who knows me best,
I see everyday.

Isn’t it odd how
the person who knows you best
is in all actuality,
yourself?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You look good today,”
you might not believe it?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You’re an idiot,”
you’ll probably believe it?

You’d think that
the person who knows you best
would be nicer.
That you’d be nicer to yourself.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
“I hate you.”
“**** this ****.”
“**** it all.”
“Go to Hell.”
“Worthless *****.”
“No one cares.”
“******* *****.”
“Just a ****.”
“Stupid girl.”
“Just go die.”
“**** yourself.”
“Help me.”
“Save me.”
Christina Cox Dec 2015
War
The tears?
They come and go.
With thoughts of
self-hatred.
With actions of
self-loathing.
Among the knowledge
that people
love me,
want me,
care for me.
So the tears,
they keep on coming.
Because the fight
of feelings
against myself,
for me,
never stops.
Even when I want it to.
Clindballe Nov 2015
As the deep circles start to feel way too comfortable under my eyes, I think back to a time when the best sleep was after popping pills not knowing wether I would wake up or stay in the dark. Everything is getting uncomfortable when the unexpected is luring around the corner. Sing me to sleep and I won't see another day before it's the night where the dead are living. I wish this could make any sense but happiness makes me anxious and depression makes me feel nothing at all. My skin still itches after healing too many times too fast and too easily. If scars turned black and eyes could swallow I would be a black hole consuming time, effort and happiness.
Written: November 30. - 2015
You see all I am focused on now is destroying that thing in my life that is destroying me

Smash its head in and break its hands
Beat its brain until it can't stand

To burn, to make it break and bleed
To deprive it of food, water, and sleep

Destroy what destroys you

Too bad that thing is me
I can see what's coming
For God sakes I planned it all:

No more purging
No more cutting
No more burning
No more inhaling
No more smoking
No more starving
No more head-banging
Or wall-punching
No more sleepless nights
No more
No more
No more

Yet that is all there is
Is more
And more
And more

More scars
More bruises
More burns
More blood
More tears
More anger
More pain

Pain
Pain
Pain
That's all there is is pain
From sunrise to sunset
From sunset to sunrise
All is not the same
Yet in and of the same

Lost
That's all I am
Is lost

To God
To the world
And to myself
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