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Christina Cox Dec 2015
Working with the mirror, my tongue cuts sharp words.
You look stupid
she says.
I hate you
she whispers.
She is me

Running with paper pages, my hands cut into paper.
You should die
she tells.
I hate you
she utters.
She is me

Operating with swift gloves, my fingers cut skin.
You’re fat
she speaks.
I hate you
she screams.
**She is me
Christina Cox Dec 2015
**** this brain that controls my actions.
Send my soul to hell,
it may as well live there.
**** the body I loathe so much.
This ****** mixture of mind, body, and soul…
It’s such an *******.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
From the most caring of my relatives.

Grandma.
Uncle.
Aunt.
Great Aunt.

“I need to focus on school.”
“I want to work to get money.”
“I have friends to hang out with.”

None of them the real answer.

How can I have a boyfriend,
a person to love me,
when I hate myself?
Christina Cox Dec 2015
To my future lover,
you will see the marks of hatred.
To my future children,
I will tell the truths of depression.
To my future friends,
you will find me on my failing days.
To my future family,
I will hide my mental illness.
To the future me,
I don’t know what you will be.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
What do you do when you hate yourself?
Tell yourself that you’re amazing?
Make yourself look pretty?
Create a better you?


What do you do when every fiber of your body wants to die?
Tell yourself that life’s worth living?
Make your mind see the non-logic in dying?
Create a better body?


What do you do when your soul refuses to stay alive?
Tell yourself that the soul isn’t real?
Make your soul into something better?
Create a better soul?


**What do you do when everything in you wants to die?
Christina Cox Dec 2015
My parents ask me questions,
“How was therapy?”
“Are you using your skills?”
“How are you doing?”

My parents want the answers,
“It was good, I learned a lot.”
“Yes I am, my urge to cut is going down.”
“I’m doing great, feeling great.”

But the answers I give are silent,
Fine, please don’t ask about it.
No, I feel like a failure when you know I am.
I’m terrible, I hate myself, I want to die.


My parent’s desire is for me to get better.
While I scream inside because face it,
**I’m not.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If God is real, then I pray to him to heal my mind, body, and soul.
If Christ is real, then I pray to him to take away the pain he knows is real.
If Angels are real, then I pray to my guardian to keep me safe from my own hands.
If Fallen Angels are real, then I pray to them to take my guardian away.
If Demons are real, then I pray to the one inhabiting my body to leave or take over fully.
If Lucifer is real, then I pray to him to send more demons and make me take my own life.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I wish I could tell you what is in my head.
Not just the emotions but the stream of words I never said.
“**** this ****,” and “**** it all.”
“Go to Hell,” and “You’re an *******.”
Sometimes to the people walking down the street.
Often to my family sitting watching television.
But mostly to myself when I’m looking  in a mirror.
To myself though, I say the words out loud.
I also include, “I should just die.”
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I show you these scars what will you think?
The purple ones on my thigh,
the thin pink ones on my stomach,
the thick, raised ones on my arm,
and the small red ones on my wrist.

If I tell you the reasons what will you say?
The self hatred in my heart,
the numb feelings in my soul,
the racing thoughts in my head,
and the moving fingers of my hand.

If I ask you to love me will you tell the truth?
If I ask myself to love me will I tell the truth?
In the end will I go back to what I know?
In the end will I go back to the blades who hold my heart?
The blades who have hold of my soul?
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The person who knows me best
is my worst enemy.
The person who knows me best,
I see everyday.

Isn’t it odd how
the person who knows you best
is in all actuality,
yourself?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You look good today,”
you might not believe it?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You’re an idiot,”
you’ll probably believe it?

You’d think that
the person who knows you best
would be nicer.
That you’d be nicer to yourself.
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