Why is the thought of being happy
so difficult, so daunting?
What is it about the future that frightens me?
Perhaps it's my past.
I've never been anything
more than promising;
anything more than
two years away from two years away.

Happiness for me is a leap of faith,
of letting go, of jumping out.
It's a surrender of my greatest possession
in exchange for some thing
I can't even hold in my hand.
Death is tangible.
Happiness is not.

Besides, am I even worthy of it?

You've fought hard for so many years
You've turned back so many dark thoughts
You've saved yourself so many times.
You're beyond worthy.

Happiness is your reward,
even if it's just fleeting,
like a breath of fresh air.
Don't think about how you got here
or where you' re going,
just close your eyes,
just for a moment,
and smile.

The best day
of my life
was being alone
without craving
any of your toxicity

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were not alive - living a life that has no meaning. A life where the world has come to an end - the kind of ending where colors have disappeared.

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were loved but loneliness has suffocated you so much that you could not even feel the warmth of the loved ones anymore?

I've always felt like I needed to be strong - for the ones I loved but lately I've felt the strength leaving my bones.  I've felt like I could not give up on the people that surrounded me - but why does my life seems to be so empty?

Of all the goals I've achieved the past years - I should be tremendously proud  but the only time I felt really alive was when I took ecstasy.

Feeling the rush through my veins again - feeling the music pumping through my heart and soul - I felt like I could die. I felt like I could die of a delusional happiness.  What is happiness?

I almost forgot what it was when I met my first love - but when I came back to my senses - when I fell out of love I realized that loving was being able to cope with the solitude within myself. It is about loving yourself and being able to bare with the demons inside of you. I felt like I could go crazy - waking up with this unbearable pain inside of me. I do not know why or how I cannot stand the fact of being by myself - always searching for someone to warm the side of my bed and text me in the morning to feel like - I EXIST.  I AM HERE.  I AM SOMEONE.

Deep down I know I don't need someone to tell me who I am - I know I shouldn't find someone to make me feel alive - because it is my responsibility to find my own peace of mind.

It is my responsibility to bring myself happiness and joy - but I wish truly to find the strength to move on because I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to feel this empty anymore. I do not want to feel lonely anymore. So please hurry up darling and love yourself already - life is so beautiful please don't give up now.

I will always be here for you even when you feel like there is no light, when you feel there is no hope - I will hold your hand.
Press it against your heart - feel the heartbeat - feel the life inside your chest.

You are here with me and I love you.

- Myself

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If I wasn't beaten to the ground,
If I never touched your lips,
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If mom never left me,
If you never teared me apart like another chapter,
I wonder sometimes how you felt,
during those ****** sleepless nights where you would come back into my room,
crying - tearing - hopelessly apologizing.
I literally wonder sometimes,
Why I felt in love with you
The narcissist and me-
The victim.
I wonder what kind of person I would of became,
If you never touched me and did the irreparable-
That haunts me everyday,
Where I drowned my sorrow in magic potions, warm bodies and dreamy pills -
Where I would let the sound of my hallow soul echo between those empty screaming walls.
I wonder who I would of became if -
If I never felt this beauty deep inside of my heart.
Feeling this world - I still remember your eyes gazing into mine-
Lost forever into the torment of two empty bodies -
Finding each other perfectly at their worse.
I wonder sometimes how you felt when you were on your knees begging me to stay -
Feeling those bruises on my neck
TELL ME HOW DID YOU MAKE ME
turn into something -
So beautifully broken...



      •••



I wonder sometimes, if you saw the shadows of my demons dancing inside my chest-

Would you love me?
Would you softly kiss the scars inside my heart -
Would you hold my hand strongly as I travel the seven seas?
Would you my love,
Despite my sins, my filthy body and the hell burning my distant dreams...
Would you finally stay?

  


     •••


You know I became this person - that writes passionately,
Warms people's heart and cry in front of sad movies,
I became this late flower that is yet to bloom-
But deep inside this garden of thorns,
I know a secret that nobody truly knows.

I became the most profound - pure and kind women I will ever be -

And this is me.


I am enough.