Dear Brother,

I was struggling.
Anxiety attacks and utter insecurity,
The pit in my stomach was a permanent crater
But I saw you
At recess, standing on the blacktop alone
And I forgot about myself

They told you you couldn’t play football with them.
Your limp was horrible, you didn’t understand the rules exactly
Boys running up to tap me on the arm
Yelling “Get him away from me”
“Tell him to leave me alone”
How am I supposed to tell my brother no one wants to be his friend
No one wants to talk to you Ryan because they can’t understand what you’re saying
They don’t even want to try.

Everyday the school called home, he’s hopeless
Detentions for yelling at the teacher,
The one who didn’t bother to notice he was trying
And he did try too, so hard
So hard he came home calling himself stupid
Because that is all he summed up to at the glories of public highschool

Mom cried, and Dad tried to give her hope
That someday people would treat you right
And I prayed that I wouldn’t keep hearing kids mutter your name in the hallways
Completely unknowing that you were my brother
And all the times your frustration built,
Holes in the wall and broken door frames
I never ever blamed you.

Now we stand side by side at graduation
And I want you to know,
I couldn’t be more proud of us.
Dear brother,
You will always be one of the best things that ever happened to me

High school graduate,
you look down, I gasp,
I am not wearing my heels!

XC is running through the sprinklers with your crazy goofy team
Rolling your ankles running hills
Cross country means so much to me it’s true
Running is all we do
School day seems shorter
Practice seems longer
The sun is shining
It’s warmer then it’s colder

XC every single moment is worth its weight in gold
XC it’s high school’s best story
And it’s waiting to be told
It’s bleacher 5K’s, well earned PRs
And your sport’s punishment
Cross country man where do I begin

XC we’re rained on during practice and we run with soaking feet
XC we get lost on distance runs and say we went out to eat
It’s also
Basma’s smart wisecracks, also Mariam’s sass
And calling Amy the wrong name
Courtney going ham, my freshmen children
And ab workouts causing us pain
Mehak!
Oh wait. Maybe I’m going too fast.

XC it’s weight room and it’s hard work ‘cause you do it for the *****
XC it’s crying at the banquet
Cuz your team is just one happy family
And I don’t wanna leave

First year was longer
Last year was shorter
I’m gonna miss y’all
My eyes are getting warmer

XC every single moment was worth its weight in gold
XC it was my favorite story thanks to you guys it was told
A running high and my team cheering
And then that final sprint
Cross country man where do I begin

(XC)
Where do I begin
(XC)
I promise I’ll visit

The cool girls curl their hair
The cool girls wear makeup
The cool girls wear tight clothes
The cool girls have boyfriends
The cool girls swear
The cool girls are thin
Why can't I be a cool girl?

I never saw it coming
But she called me kind

Kind is not the first word I would use to describe one such as myself
Probably not the second word or even the third

And did I relay even know her?
Not at all, she was just another girl like me

Almost a year since I've seen her
And yet she remembers me enough to think of me as kind

She ignored my hellos, or didn't bother to listen
Maybe she has been listening all along

Maybe she has been watching and getting to know me
But the again if she really knew me she wouldn't call me kind

Torn between two
Does he love me too?
I want to say all I want is you
As the day passes my struggles anew

My thoughts aside from them are few
My heart is not being true
I admit, it leaves me feeling blue
Yet they both make me feel brand new

Thinking about who to choose is all I ever do
Being near either of them sends my mind askew
They stick to me like glue
Unfortunately, nothing can help me choose…

I miss my old me, that very young boy at the school yard
Now I am a teacher in that old town
Always filled with hatred and frown
Once taught teaching was a crown
but here I am with nothing but cloud full of bills of next month

doesn't it haunt them at night
that they're doing nothing?

shootings every other day
innocent children just want to learn
instead, they're shot
and all they do
is send thoughts and prayers?

people are dying
and they say 'what a shame'
instead of taking action
because it's against their values

seems like maybe
they should take a deeper look

don't they want this to end too?

what do you do when you're ashamed?
do you cower with fear because you're the only one to be blamed?
the hardest part of admitting failure is knowing you're going to have to restart.
you finally realize that this time you have to play the part.
it means you must be responsible and willing,
instead of not studying, and staring at your bedroom ceiling.
i've learned this now, it only took two years.
but i swear this time around i'm all ears.
if i don't keep this promise to myself, then who am i.
because everything i say will be a lie.