i’m not ready to grow up
people say that youth is the greatest gift in life and i’m starting to believe them
as i get older, i’m dragged further into a world that just wants to see me break
i miss the days where i could do almost anything i wanted to do
i miss the days where i didn’t have to worry about if i have enough money for food
i miss the days where i didn’t have to apologize for doing things that make me happy
i would give anything to go back to those days because that’s when i was truly free
at twelve, he took my dignity.
at thirteen, he took my self-love.
at fourteen, he took my smile and my worth.
all because of ‘puberty.’
and yet somehow, i’m to blame.
we’ve never met.
i’ve never seen you face-to-face.
but you’re the first person who makes me feel like this.
the way your dimples show up whenever you smile makes me want to make you laugh for the rest of my life.
the way your laugh sounds makes me want to tell jokes for the rest of my life.
i know you don’t love yourself.
i know how self-conscious you are.
but you’re perfect.
They asked me this question in class one day
"What do you want to be remembered by?"
I wrote down the answer of what they wanted to hear
But to be honest
I just want to be forgotten
So no one has to hurt when I say
the hardest part about falling in love is knowing that, one day, they’ll be gone
bruises and scrapes cover my body as i yell for help
no one seems to hear so i just sit in the bottom of this hole
never knowing if i’ll truly be okay again
this ocean of thoughts
invading my mind once again
why can’t i be normal
why can’t i be like him
the masculine guy in my class
the guy at the store
the ideal guy in my head
all these names just get added to the
ocean like a water droplet
i try to swim my way back to shore but
the pull beneath is too strong
i drown in the water more than i care to admit