'i'm leaving'
'oh... okay'

Heartbreak is an inevitable thing.
I knew this. I knew that throughout the course of my early life, I would experience many heartbreaks.
You know, the ones where it wasn’t meant to be. Life designed to have these strategically planned heartbreaks so that you could grow, you could learn.
A pain so real, it is as though the pain is literally reconfiguring your insides as it moves through you; staying just long enough to shape you, but not long enough to become you.
Our hearts like a key getting resized and fitted for the next lock.
Getting so far into the lock before realizing it’s not a match, our heart, getting shaped and sized per each of these attempts. Shaping up until it finds the right lock; the day when your key fits and you know it’s a match – the feeling people refer to as “when you know, you know”.

Is it possible, however, to find your match- the lock that you are finally meant to open, but while turning the key something goes wrong?
What once was a perfect fit, now sits ajar. The answer: I don’t know.
I loved a man.
A perfect fit.
Our love was trusting, it was giving, it was deep, and strong, and passionate.
I loved this man with all of my being;
and he loved me back.

This man is dead.
That’s what breaking up with someone feels like, anyways.
It is as if they are dead.
You will no longer talk with them, share with them, kiss them, hug them, touch them, love them.
They will no longer hold you at night while you sleep.
They will no longer embrace you in the morning, kiss you when you wake.
It is as though they do not exist.
Not to you anyway; or you to them.

So we finally have reached the end.

Finally, you have pushed me too far
Finally, I am right on the edge.
I'm feeling too uncomfortable now to not jump
It took longer than I had hoped.

I reeled you in, again & again thinking maybe this time,
he will go through with what he says,
darling... you never did.

Only created a bigger mess out of what already was piling over & in the process you butchered me. You butchered how I felt,
the kind softness I had for you,
you finally turned me to stone.

So how do you like me now?
When I am eager to go,
how does it feel to be "given up" on?
Can you imagine how I have felt?

Theres no such thing as letting go when the person pushes you away.
When the person brings others into the equation.
They already weren't giving enough to just you & now
you saying I gotta share?
You had the nerve... to not even ask... but force me to share?

You only want me when you need me, you weak ****.
You use people when you down and you dont even take the advice given.
You a goofy mf.

The type to neglect the only one holding you down &
look into other girls eyes saying you love them.

Well, go on and love them then.
Go on ahead and miss them
Go kiss them, rub them, lust after them
like you lusted after me, only,
dont call it love this time.
Don't leave them mistaken too.

It ain't right, making someone feel like this,
it ain't right and thats all I can say.

Can't talk to you no more because I left for good this time.
and it hurts but I've just got to keep writing and depending on the Lord
because those are the only consistent things in my life these days.

Im trying not to think of you
but I keep finding myself staring into space and at blank walls wondering where things all went wrong between us.

Wondering why now just wasn't meant for us.
Wondering why I tried so hard to make it meant for us,
wondering why you watched me try so hard and didn't have the guts to say my struggle was pointless.

I would have moved mountains for you, love... had I never found your dark intentions.
It could have been us against the world.

but it wasn't meant for us.

I keep feeling like I smell you,

but it wasn't meant for us.

Im wondering if the other girls liked your lips as much as I did
I want to rip them off your face for letting them all get a taste of what I thought was mine.

So how could you do me like that...
love..
Why was I not enough?
I know timing was off,
but you didn't have to go and do that.

I know timing was off but we talked about making a family
you told me you'd rub my back every night, no question
That we'd go on morning walks
and talk for hours

Love, that was everything I wanted to hear,
Because it sounded so right with you.

Only, we dont have the future. It is not outs to control. All we have is now.

You ask me is there still a chance we can be together when timing is right?
I tell you I don't think Ill be able to trust you again,
but if its real then it comes back.
You said that wasn't the answer you wanted
I said what did you expect.

I didn't tell you though,
how weak I felt.
How badly I wanted to tell you "yes. Ill wait. Please, get it together and I'll wait."
You've turned me pathetic. I still have the armor on
but beneath it everything has gone soft.

You sensed it in the beginning.
My weak spot for you,
and boy you used it again and again until I finally told you to stop.

& I feel better now,
but I can't help wondering what if.
Will we really just become a "what if?"
Something that never happened,
something too good to be true?

I want to believe God will send you back to me
but we're at such a transitioning stage in our lives
who knows what could happen.

Maybe you'll go back to her after all
maybe you'll find another who looks like me
Maybe we will bump into eachother
While I have my kids and you have yours
and suddenly, we'll remember.

How we talked of living like it would be the easiest thing in the world. Like we could create anything, we always seemed to be in a dream land.

I can't help remembering the beautiful parts of you.
I wish I could because it'd make things a whole lot easier.
Its hard because I want to cry
but for some reason you're the one I want to cry on.

Like I want to just lay with you and put my face in your neck and let you hear what you have brought me to,
as if it would matter.

but you gone now,
ain't no more feeling your skin, now.
ain't no more soft feelings for you, now.
Only in my thoughts do I still bend to you,
If I ever saw you I guarantee I'd be frozen solid.

Because sadness lingers,
but that anger burns.

and I ain't ever been so angry at someone.
I ain't ever felt so disrespected, felt like I was nothing.
Like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe
you stepped on me again and again.
till I was so worn I fell off.
Here I stand, and though I feel limp I know I am about to be at my strongest.

Because theres no way but up once you've been thrown rock bottom.

Without you, I can get back to loving again. I can emerge from this rut I made a home out of for you.
I will love myself again,
since you could not.
I did it before and the Lord will show me I can do it again.

"So this is goodbye..." you said...
& I finally just said "goodbye."

and I think now I'll wait on someone new.
a breath of fresh air who will love me for me and only me.
Better yet, I will find someone who lives in the present.
No more being dragged backwards, thats no way to live.

I'll find someone who loves me the ways you never could.
& sure, he will smell different.
His hands will not be your hands.
His lips will not be your lips.
He will not make me feel the exact ways you made me feel

but his words will be different too, love.
They will be honest and I will breathe heavy, long, thankful sighs of relief.

Finally.

The words will be honest.

I won't try to change your mind
if you believe this is the end;
I won't hold you hostage, if this love
is something we can no longer mend.

I cannot bear grudges should you find
that you don't love me anymore.
I promise not to carry any illusions
that you still do, right at your core.

The nature of my love is that
I can let you go if that's what you desire;
I will try to keep myself together
to come to terms with your goodbye.

But don't ask me to say it back; I beg you
You should've known from the very start.
There's no way I can say goodbye to one
I'll always carry around in my heart.

*(c)emeraldine087

atlantis can see
flames dance

across the milky way

i see fire
and i want you

to remember me

I know I caught you 
quite by surprise
when I looked at you
and you knew…
         oh man, you knew
by the look in my eyes
that the talk we were
about to have was in fact
        THE TALK.
I never meant to blow
your mind in the worst
possible way, and I know
this news is a land mine 
seemingly coming from
nowhere. Trust me, I don't 
make this decision lightly,
but I simply must take my leave 
of you, and do it 
right
this 
second. 
Please, 
       oh please, 
believe me when I say that
I'm trying to show you how
to seize control of your own life,
not trying to wreck it. And 
right now I'm going to 
lead by example, so I'll have to
say my most sincere apology
and my last goodbye here.