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You always read about anxiety as a thing you get when you're about to talk to someone you like, or about to go up and speak in front of a bunch of people, and for the longest time I thought my thoughts on anxiety, my anxiety was different from everyone else's, weird.

But I was fortunate to come across a poem, a kind of rant,
that decussed the same issue I was in. And sure, I'm not saying that anxiety doesn't involve getting nervous, or sweaty palms when doing something so small, so simple, but yet it can feel like the biggest thing in the world at the time, because yeah, that can be anxious anxiety, but what I'm talking about is the kind of anxiety where you stay in bed for 4 days straight because you're scared of what will happen if you get out of the comfor of your own room, you know making up a thousand different scenarios of how bad things could turn out.

Anxiety isn't just nerves or scared to do something so little, no anxiety is where you're scared of life itself, scared of living. Anxiety is a mental disorder, and I wouldn't wish it apon the worst of people.
Rant?
Icarus Fray Feb 2017
Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But I if it's just like your sadness then I'm so ******* sorry

Because sadness for me isn't feeling down or being weighed down by this feeling
It's like being on fire
But on the inside

It's like being stabbed by something that doesn't hurt
Then feeling this cold fire spread through my body
Like a wild fire being winded out by my thoughts
Or frostbites all over my body being thawed and frozen again

Being sad feels so heavy and prominent that I'm not even sure if my happiness is real
If it's really there
Or if it's just the a sense of sadness

I feel disgusted by myself whenever I fake a smile or a laugh or even saying "I'm ok"
I wanna cover my mouth with my hands every time someone ask me if I'm ok because I'm hard wired to say that I am

Being sad is already so ******* painful that I've grown up being used to keeping it in instead of telling people about it
Because I don't want to let anyone in
I don't want anyone to see the wildfire through my soul
I don't want them to see me frozen up

Because I'll hate myself either way
If they burn themselves up to thaw me out
I'll hate myself
If I drown them out when I douse this down
I'll hate myself
And if I saw them carry any part of my sadness to help me
I'll hate myself

I'm so hardwired to not let anyone in that I can't let anything out without destroying everything an everyone around me

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But if you feel the same thing as me
What would you do?
What should I do?
February 04, 2017
We ain't no showcase
not pictures to gawp at
or books you can pick up
so
shut the **** up.

I could tell you all's fine
when
I've drunk all the wine and
the
streets are inviting
but
that's just ***** in a tea cup

and swearing,
so what?
what the **** have we got to
be Christian for?

While they're having their *****
while democracy falls
while the drones keep on flying
I'll keep on trying
to put across the message
that this ain't no picnic.
One and Only Oct 2016
When you say "I love you"
Please say it to me
and not while looking somewhere or at someone else.
I don't have the guts to tell you and so
I live with my own consequences.
Have I ever told you that my body is no longer as important to me as before?
That getting sick and feeling pain is a way for me to know I live?
Have I ever told you how horrible I feel day after day?
That each hour passing by decreases people's love for me and I don't want that especially if your love for me as well decreases.
That each time I do not fulfill your request you'll love me less and less.
Angering you does nothing to help and so I am not to speak lest I disappear for long from this earth.
I don''t want to tell you. You might just laugh me off and okay I get embarrassed. I don't want to say anything
One and Only Sep 2016
Why is it sometimes relieving when I think of how I die?
My imagination places me in everyday situations and just dropping down dead. Then people would stop and stare or maybe just pass by?
Would people other than my family be affected?
Would my so-called friends even realize what hurt they'd put me through?
Would you even care?
Would you ever realize that sometimes you step on me and I allow you to because I'm scared?
Everyone is scary.
They all can break me apart
I want to die and just go away to a better place
I want a new life..
I want some of you in it but that will ever happen will it?
People would blame these rants on my period but NO okay? It doesn't mean that I'm on my period I change into some lying monster that just blurts out every whine she can. I wish people would understand sometimes.
Odonko-ba Aug 2016
Wars
Pillage
Disease  
Religion
Money  
God      
Soul
Attrition
Governments
Environment
Man
Condemn
Hope
Space
Future
Question
Abortion
Children
Hunger
Apathy
Mortgage
Empathy
Judaism
Catholicism
Islam
Baptist
Banks
Greed
Gluttony
Foreclosure
Black
White
Division
Impasse
Blind
Death
Legions
Secret
Collaborate
Destruction
Abscond
******
***
******
Jew
Fat
Skinny
Tall
Short
Ignorance
Intolerance
Hope
Hate
Love
Death
Poverty
Wealth
Displacement
Abstract
Reality
Agony
Distrust
Temperament
Conglomerate
Drugs
Pharmaceutics
Capitalist
Socialist
Fascist
Conformity
World
*******
Society
Downfall
Atrophy
Silent
Protest
Propagate
******
Life
Precious
Dream
Regress
Degenerate
Exfoliate
Human
Substance
Into
Nothing
Hell
On
Earth
Freedom  
A
*******
Mockery
chris Sep 2015
im curious.  im just curious to what it feels like.  im curious to what pain feels like.  im curious to what love feels like.  love is not always happy, sappy, romance.  but its also not always sad, depressing romance either.  its a mixture of both.  and i wonder and am curious to what it feels like to stumble upon love and wander through it like an adventure that is waiting to be discovered.  love that has not yet been identified.  love that hasnt been touched.  i am curious about love, despite the pain or stress that might catch or grasp me along the way.  i am curious about how to love someone.  how to share the connection as one might call it.  how to be loved.
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