I’m obsessed with pain
Because pity comes with
Fighting my own made-up fights
“How do you know what I go through!?
How can you possibly understand!?”
I wish I could say those words
Yet they remain locked in verse
Every waking moment I rehearse
Front to back and back in reverse
Cause maybe if I keep yelling
To myself
I’ll start to believe
My own delusions
This confusion
The illusion
That I’m in pain when really I’m not

I want to hurt so that I can say:
“You’re hurting me, please go away.”
And yet I always stay

The only reason why I stayed was because of pity.

When starting to date me
Please be careful
I’m very fragile and sad
And I’ll take everything to heart
I think I’m the worst
Even though I know I’m not
So don’t trust my smile when I say
“I am pretty”
I think I’m horrible
Unlovable
No matter how many friends I have
Or how many relationships I’ve gone through
I will never think you love me
Or even like me
Because you’re only putting on a facade because you know I’m sad
I know you’re pitying me
Everyone does
I dont have real friends
Boyfriends or girlfriends
They’re all just pity

So when you start to date me
Please dont be offended when I start to hide away
You’re getting close to me
And I’m scared of hurting you
You’ll give me your love
You’ll stay up late when I’m sad
You’ll get concerned when I dont answer
Because you think I finally caved into depression
But I havent
I may be thinking about it
Ways to do it
How you’ll react
But I won’t
And I’m not quite sure
And I’m sorry in advanced
Because I will hurt you
I will make you feel worthless
And useless
Because no one understands whats going on in my head
And I’m scared to tell you whats going on in my head

So when you start to date me
You’ll be dating my mental illnesses too
They control my mind and how I think
Even when I know they’re wrong
They’re always right
Understand that I am trying
Even when I’m in bed at 12 in the afternoon
Even when I havent left the house or eaten in days
I am trying to get better
I know taking my meds will help
But I hate knowing that I need medication to feel healthy
I want to feel like everyone else
I want to feel healthy and worthy
But I cant unless I take 35mg of a certain drug
I have to take drugs to feel happy
Even when I’m ‘happy’
I still want to die
I always want to die
On our first date at a restaurant
All I can think about running out into the street and getting hit

When you start to date me
Think again
Because I’m not what you get upfront
I’m not happy
I’m not sassy
Nor am I confident
I am trying to fool you into liking me
Because I know no one else can
I am following societies rules
Because I’m scared of the looks I get if I dont
On my happiest days
I will still go home and look at the pile of untaken medication
I wonder why they give medication to someone who’s suicidal
Also understand that I have planed my death 10 different times
Overdose
Stabbing
Cars
And more
I am not what you think I am
But please play along and pity me

By Arcassin Burnham

All life I've been an outcast forced to be in a world I didnt understand
which put me right where I didn't want to be,
learning all of the worlds ways in hopes that I could get rid of my bad thoughts of the past and freeze my memory,
All of the sorrows and all of the heartache, all the self pity and all the shame, I managed to pull through with all of my sanity,
Finding the little things in life and the little pieces to my good memories will only in the end leave me happy,
The people,
The lies,
The anxiety,
The past,
The family,
The friends,
Would have played out in a different setting if i were just...
Well....me.

I, who cannot count the slap that I recieved
From the people whom I decieved
I, the person who cannot be contented
Will now address this experience as something splendid


I am a cheater in the eyes of the judgementals
As for they see me as falling leaves and petals
Someone who will never be happy
And a person who only deserve pity


You called me heartless
But I told you I loved you when I confessed
You thought everything was fake
But it is the toxic which I can't even take


I know this is a sin as for I am unfaithful
The girl whom you called an angel
Is a person who has the tail of a devil
But this is only the start of secrets which I'm about to reveal

Lied about his characteristics
as well as forgot about being an optimist


Forcing him to cut his long nails
Preventing him from wearing high heels
Lips are cracking due to beating
While eyes are slowly begging


His legs are trembling
As for he heard his father screaming
Big paddles are now on the way
“Everyone leave, and you stay.”


He bend down his knees and beg for mercy
People outside are listening for this another controversy

This could be a nightmare with no escape
And his body who lost it's own shape
Fed up with harsh judgements of society
While people don't even give sympathy


Cannot even speak louder
While crying in front of his mother


Afraid of what would be his fate
Thinking that it is too late
To stand up and fight
In his own battle to find the light

One day I won't get upset
I won't feel regret
I'll never remember
Anything that's been said
I'll be able to focus
Life will be endless
Possibilities without fear
Or needing forgiveness
Love will be overflowing
No guessing
No unknowing
I won't think about mistakes
I won't dwell on imperfection
I won't give in when temptation
Rears it's ugly head
Nothing will hurt me
I'll feel only love instead