We both want to point fingers. We refuse to take blame. We adamantly deny it. And in this sense, we are both the same.

But there are motions in our sickness
   (Or rather sickness in our motions)
Indecent murmurs of our shame
But the murmurs stay just murmurs so we can play our little game.

Of facade.
Of charade.
Of telephone lines.
Razor blades.

Emotion.
Commotion.

You know:

I started reading about self harm.

And I found that it was the only thing that broke my heart- my scarred and bruised heart was finally broken.

My heart swelled and gushed and broke for you.

And all those gashes.

How the skin swelled. Blood gushed.

How you broke.

And especially how you would lie. And say you're fine. Until your depression forced the truth from your lips.

And I remember all those bracelets. All those things to hide your wrists. And how TWLOHA was seemingly permanently engrained on your arms.

And I remember thanking God that it wasn't from a blade dug into your skin. And how it was funny and ironic because I didn't believe in Him then.

But I kept your secret for all these years. And I hope you're doing better.

I pray that you are.

And if you aren't..?
    Well, I guess you'd never tell me.

Not anymore.


And you see:

That's why I'm bitter. Why I'm angry. Why I'm hurt.

Just tell me honestly that you're fine and don't you dare tell me a lie.

Cause I was there.

And I remember.

And I still think about it all the time.


And believe me when I say that it has consumed me.

It affects the way I write.
And what I say.
And how I meant it.

It's about the only thing I write.

Words like: scars. Wrists. Etched. Carved.

See. I'm a liar if I say I still don't think about you all the time.

I'm growing bored of your complaints and all your narcissistic *******
About your plans and why they falter and why these guys just do not love you
And ain't it tiresome to keep on talking when you know not a soul is listening?
But you still blather on and on about the same old tired **** you used to

You're still pretentious and annoying with all your petty blabber
About the he said/she said nonsense and how you think it really matters
And all your endless ******* questions but you don't really want an answer
You're just crying for attention but you'll be prying here forever

No view from my window.
The clouds blanket the night sky.
Color me shades of gray.
The steam rises up
from the asphalt of the streets.
Beckoning me not to stay.
A distant rumble.
Lightening cracks over my head.
Thunder breaks as if to say.
'You're down for the moment.
Begging the silence.
But just get up today.'

She said 'I know there's a riot
going on up in your head,
but there doesn't have to be.'
She said, "You've been distant.
A little resistant.
But just come back to me.'

She's still waiting.
'I'm still fading.'
'So hold me now.'
'Have no regrets.'
'Don't let me down.'

I see her smile for the first time in so many days.
I think she thinks that I can be saved.
From myself, from what's left in my head.
She's saying sleep, but I stay awake instead.
This helplessness advances and there's no second chances.
I'm left here by myself.
She sits patiently.
She promised she'd wait for me.
She hasn't left me yet.

You're writing your sins down as scars on your wrists and you're hiding them all behind bright colored bracelets. And you're praying at night just to help you get sleep but you're so lonely at times that you can't eat.

And it gets lonelier still when all your friends start to change. Move to new places or move on to new things. But these things don't intrigue you. Not like it does them. So you shove it aside, try not to show your frustration.

There is no salvation. No escape from discontent. Only death dates etched into tombstone cement.

But your frustration's swelling to an ear splitting hum. And your heart's pounding rhythms in the beat of a war drum. There's a slash - a quick flick of the wrists. Broken mirrors. And tears. And fingers curled in fists.

You started tearing down the walls in the back of your mind. Just to find some solace or some peace of some kind. I hope that you find it - the reprieve you're looking for. If you feel disillusioned, I hope you won't anymore

It's okay to stay today but not tomorrow cause everything is ****** up

You got something going on I can't place my finger on you. Keep talking and I'll just keep on keeping on. Turn the lights down low and now you gotta go.

It's elementary and dear it's becoming clear to me. You're a fistful of rage and I guess it's kinda cool to me. Turn the lights down low and now you gotta go.

You've got tons of secrets and god knows that I just forget. You have lots of soul and I know just as much regret. Turn the lights down low and now you gotta go.

I know what you've been thinking. Not sure what you've been drinking but you're one of a kind. The kind that'll just be sinking. Turn the lights down low and now you gotta go.

We're going down in flames and
I'm trying to hold on but everything's just burning to the ground

Wake me when it thunders and when the storm rips the sky asunder. And we will wait for the current to pull us under.

And oh! You plunderer of souls, are we not foes? At least foils? Standing on the helm of the dichotomy of the world

And when you come back:
   Come back broken
        Come back beaten and forlorn

I won't feel pity
I won't feel much
I won't feel much of anything anymore

And all the letters, all the time I've spent alone
Has left me angry
Left me bitter

Has cut me deep and to the bone

We painted picture perfect skylines to veil every flaw that we'd uncovered but we're not so naive to think that it would be enough ever to paint the stars to hide the scars that she'd carved into her wrists and in her thighs and in her neck to give her hell to reminisce.

We watched in horror at the crumbling of the friends we've come to know. Watched them decaying rapidly from people living to caskets full of bone. He said "darling I was listening and I was watching all along and I tried to understand but you're dying all alone, so come back home."

But where is home when we're drowning in our doubt? Is it true that you're looking for a way out? Because I still see your light shining brilliantly.

So hold your breath and give in to  this. And fill your pockets full of stone. Walk to the river heavy footed and stand up on the shore. And listen up and listen in and watch the tide keep climbing in up to your feet and then your knees but it doesn't have to come this.

We painted picture perfect faces to hide the chaos in our minds but we spend every waking moment hoping it'll fade away in time. And so we pray the smile stays but always fear that it'll fade. And so we etched it in our skin so it can never fade away.

When everyone has left me and poetry betrays me, would you still stand beside me until the end?

It's the only thing I need and all that I desire. Your voice inside my head is healing me.

Your blue eyes and smile- how they set my soul on fire. Nothing matters nearly as much to me as you.