thus concludes a text
from a dear friend whom
I have never met, but this a,
concluding statement is
both convulsing and
uncontained

autumn is a her, a self-selected
gender unique, that picks its
own pronouns, pronunciations,
for women greet us with
warmth+chill skill
combinatory, to
make ordinary
our daily green
reform into
a multi~variable aristocracy of colors,
a forest of expressions,
each a statement leaf,
stating look at me,
I’m transformed, resurrected, disguised,
though essence unchanged, for
I am the possibles of ad
infinitum and I am:
not-nearly as potent
as the sparks of god
within a human being

3:58am
10-20-24

Some may know what I’d say
Some may know what I’d do
but no one knows the demons i hide
until i found the person i knew
that would understand me too

to show vulnerability
I confess with all the knowledge you now have
my mind wants to flee
for it is not for a public audience to hear nor see
as the world responds with sympathy or hostility
please i beg you respect my trust in you
and be gentle with me.

You have so many petals to share
Intricate curves and edges
But they’re densely packed inside you

The bees are buzzing
Yearning for their fill
The crisp air
Waiting to flow through you

The rain didn’t replenish
The sunshine couldn’t nourish
The soil never uplifted
The child failed to pluck you

A perfect recipe with an imperfect outcome
The sunshine hits and your stems are scorched
The storm rolls and the rain turns to acid
The soil poisons your roots

What brings life to most deadens you
The strongest being couldn’t live like this
You cry out for an escape
So the shadows begin looming

The darkness ensues and the energy departs

The sunshine no longer scorches
The rain no longer corrodes
The soil no longer venom

The shadows are your refuge
Safe from the outside
The torment

But it’s lonely now
You miss what it felt like to feel

Empty

Open up little flower

If it's meant to be
It will work out

I hope it's meant to be
Even if I have my doubts

Sometimes you need to wait & see
Sometimes you need to shout

All my life I've been loved and free
But never felt free to be out

It's time.
Now I let myself fall
out

greeted by the moonlight
embraced by the pain

losing hearing but gaining sight
in delirium, becoming sane

this is my night
this is my right

no longer any his or hers
not even mine or theirs

just this
just me

not even that


an entity

I hate this topic
Because what are friends anyways
Have I ever really had one
I think so
Years ago
But when you start lying to yourself
You can't help
But lie to everybody else
And if no one knows
Who you are
It's hard to have friends
It's hard to go on
Without opening up
But opening up
Is social suicide
When opening up is admitting
That you're not the person
You say you are
Opening up is letting go
Letting go of the person you wanted to be
The person you pretended to be
Opening up means giving your friends
The picture perfect opportunity
To leave you
It's a big old "*******"
Right to their faces
It's basically saying
"I've never told you who I am"
And who knows what they'll think
I can't tell my "friends"
Because I don't want them to leave
I don't want to be alone again
But even if I tell them that
There's no reason for them to believe
I've lied to them before
I'm probably just lying again
And that's the last thing I could take
Making someone believe
That I don't think they're good enough
Not good enough for the truth
Not good enough to see
Who I really am
And in truth all my "friends"
Are so much more than good enough
They're ******* angels
And the reason they can't know
Who I really am
Is because I don't belong here
I don't belong anywhere
Certainly not with them