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chris Jul 2020
Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.
I don’t know who I am.  I wish someone would just take over me.  Maybe change things for the better.  Or maybe I have to end me for someone to live better.  I know nothing
Maria Hernandez Jul 2020
I don't know what's worse;
Drowning beneath the waves
or dying from the thirst.

Some days
I feel everything at once.
Other days I feel nothing at all.
Its scary
As time passes
I wonder
Am I wasting my time?
Am I wasting my life?
It terrifies me that I might never be able to do those things
That maybe in the future I wont be bringing justice to the world
Even if not those, what if I end up doing nothing
What if I end up becoming nothing?
That Girl Jul 2020
Ever since the 5th grade I was “that girl.”
“That girl” that was always picked last for the team.
“That girl” who eats lunch alone in the hallway.
“That girl” who listens to her music on full blast.
Block out the thoughts that remind me of who I am.
“That girl.”
Nameless.
Easily forgotten.
What’s “that girl’s” name again?
Overshadowed.
Cropped out of photos.
Cut out of memories.
It won’t be long until I’m no longer “that girl.”
I’ll just be “that girl” everyone has forgotten about.
I’ll be nothing.
Aroody Jul 2020
Another dawn these eyes have seen,
Do you really have to leave?
Why are you so keen?
Didn't you like it here?  

Too late too late, was when we met,
And you became the reason,  
My eyes stay wet,
Whenever I think of you,

All the beautiful things,  
Have at last gone away,  
To teach us perhaps a lesson,
That nothing ever stays,
Nothing stays
Rose Amberlyn Jul 2020
I'm awake,
With my eyes closed.
Write what you're feeling.
Paint a masterpiece.
Take photos all day.
Make short films like you once did.
Read every book you can.
Bake new creations.

Live up to your potential.
I'm asleep, with my eyes opened.
Arcassin B Jul 2020
By Arcassin B

Stupid to believe that everything will be alright,
stupid to believe that our people will stand and fight,
stupid to believe that the state will get better,
stupid I believe the most high carrie's us through weathers,
but whatever forget what my belief system is,
you don't have to tell me that I'm crazy or tell me
that I didn't pass high school just to show that whatever that
I tell you is a conspiracy,
even if i was a scholar you wouldn't believe in me,
I remember days where I didn't believe anything,
not the end of the world,
still don't believe in good love and wedding rings,
I believe in manifesting things,
so while you sit there collect depressing thoughts,
I let my mind sing,
my third eye ain't awake , I don't see nothing,
I'm probably blind like the rest, over nothing.




©abpoetry2020
http://arcassin.blogspot.com/2020/07/i-dont-see-nothing.html
The opposite of all right
Is nothing left

But that’s not true
I've got nothing left to lose
And that means i’m not scared

Anyway this'll probably be the last time you talk to me
But that’s all right
Don’t miss me too much, okay?
(Who am I kidding?)

ICHANGEDMYMINDohgodichangedmymindhelpm-
Jess Jul 2020
Claustrophobic
Cockroaches in corners
Concrete slabs
Clutching, cloaking, choking

Confined and
Constrained of a
Counterfeit life, I was the perfect
Charlatan of my encompassing separation.

Compelled into Self, oh yet
Cumbersome conditioning
Cultivating awareness within
Concentrated compression. I,

Cave!
Capitulation. Cannot withstand these
Currents of clouded
Compensation.

Comfortable in this
Chaos, as I've finally
Concluded: It comprises all of me.
Completely void

Contently
Containing nothing,
Clear from attached perceptions
Captivating Silence.

Come through me
Crawl into my
Caverns
Crash unto my shore

Caressing sensuality
       Continuously
Cascading        down, down, down
Composing my entirety.
Jul 11, 2020
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