In my head I've lost it.
In my head I'm standing on your front lawn
My bare feet on the damp grass
In the early morning.

The mist fills my tongue
Sprinklers pour over me
I shiver and think of all this water

I feel the weak warmth
Of a pale colorless sunrise.

You walk out the front door
In your suit and tie, briefcase in hand
You don't even look at me. The apparition
You kiss her goodbye, you get in your car and drive away

I stand with my dress all wet
Soaked to the bone
Praying for the sun to come sooner

This water pins me,
It weighs me down.

Emotions are
Hard to express

But you’ve got
To move on
And reset.

Living like
You’re in hell

Damaging no
One else but
Yourself.

It’s not complicated
But it’s harder than
You’ll ever know.

Sometimes you
Have to face
The truth

And sometimes
You’ve got to
**** it up.

It’s not easy,
But persistence
Is key

You can’t do
It all for show.

You’ve got to
Put the effort
In yourself

And grow.

I write and I write
Everything that I write.
I want to share with the world
But The words written within the walls of this little app are reason to be concerned for my mental state
Reason to put me under a psychiatric hold
Institutionalize me
Medicate me
Sedate me
Tie me to a hospital bed with handcuffs as the voices that linger in my mind consume my every thought
Hold me in a padded room
Hold me in a straight jacket
Hold me
Just hold me till my tears run dry
I write and I write, but never will these words be safe enough to share with the ones that I love so much.

--iii of cups, reversed--


before i fall asleep
i watch you dance on the ceiling

neon blue and purple skies
silhouetting bodies
growing blurry and distorted by bass and
***** waters flowing out
waterfalls through straws flowing out
through me

crashing into the mattress uneven and seeping
a beat i reluctantly match

raising toasts to nothing
to last nights
and all the nights you’ll spend on airplanes and car rides
to states i’ll never travel

i go to sleep
and i watch you dance on the ceiling

***** waterfalls spilling endlessly from upturned glasses
seeping through my blanket


--the tower--


it’s a sigh when lightning strikes
and neon lights go out

it's easy
to light all my candles
and flicker east toward the window
curled and waved and cresting and silent
a thousand miles away from you

Assertion
Clammed-up
On the relay
Second guessing
The shrunken head
Of old therapies

The clock says
It's time
To nod off
Greet the morn
With withered fist
Rationalised fury

Trying to
Replace the
Pimply face
Of ******
Angst baseless in
Content
On the tether
Of just another

Addiction in a
Succession
Of spiritual
Vices perpetuated
By the nonchalant
Visage of a world

Uncaring
In derision
From calloused hands
Caused by
Hard work
With little or no
Monetary avail

Hand to mouth
Foot in mouth
Hand on crotch
Crotch saddle sore

What's the point
Of a worn-down point
Dull but
Double-edged  
Just to prove

The sword of Damocles
Is still hanging
Over the head
Of your enemies

Who pop
Their heads
Up over
The hedgerows
Like pictures
In a shooting gallery
At the carnival of
A battlefield distant

Filled with relics
Of another
Dead-end
Ill-purposed war
Of the worlds floating
On the crest of
Mine-dotted airwaves
Prompting viewers
To drown negativity
And to salvage
The positive

A broadcast from
Bipolar formats
In living colour

Double-edged          
Double-standards
Double-dealing        
Double-meaning
Double-minded      
Double-jeopardy
Double-troubl­e        
Double your money
Doppelganger leading
Double life

All propagated in
Double-time

Best
Double your efforts
And tune out!

If our lives were captured in paintings,

each moment recorded in brush strokes

I would collect all of my

history into a warehouse,

set it on fire

and dance in the pyre's flames-

until everything

turned to ash.

Wind sweeps me
off feet
away from
eden's weeds,
ankles buried.

Gaze momentarily peeks
overhead scenery
between steepest
seas of greenery
so clearly breached,
sun beams cleave
trees' canopies
as they breathe.

Grieving the reasons
seasons recede,
summer's heat retreats
before fall will weep
each and every red leaf.

Beneath bark
heart still beats
like machinery,
arteries bleed
and release debris,
branches secreting seeds
til winter's freeze
renders
timbers' limbs empty.

Arms that reach
for sweet reverie
of the breeze
but instead
creaking knees disagree
as body pleas for relief,
searching for
fleeting serene peace
in frigid degrees.

Featureless creature
seized by defeat
no safety,
plagued by diseased
vulnerabilities.

But time's slipstream
reality the
only guarantee;
though no belief that
letting go means I'm free
with nothing to keep
yet memories
heavily weighing down
beleaguered dreams.

So I still seek;
each piece of autumn
melancholy potpourri,
fragrantly reminding me
as I sleep.