Golden Strands
of hair glisten
like honey

Soft, solace scent
of an old home

Goose feather pillows
Blue veins disguised
inside cautious hands

Embrace me, radiate warmth
And with the utmost careful placement
of glasses on her nightstand

once again.

Mama,

I'm just a little girl.

You make me happier than anything else

With the books that you read me

The smiles you give me

The warmth of your body

As I sit on your lap

My downy blonde head

Rested, listening to the heartbeat

That lulled me to sleep

In your womb.

You tell me,

"Madison,

You are my sunshine."

You're mine, too

So I bring you

Pictures I drew

Purple weeds that I picked from the yard

Smiles

Flashing love, optimism

With my crooked baby teeth.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

I'm not a little girl.

I like boys

And have opinions

And bleed

Just about every month now.

I roll my eyes

And speak my mind

And disagree.

I want to read those few books

You don't think that I'm ready to read.

I make you cry now

Almost as often as I make you laugh.

I remind you of the sharp, dangerous bits

Of your own adolescence

With all the added danger

Of my Daddy's set ways.

I'm sorry, Mama

I am.

I can only become a woman

In the ways that you teach me.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

You know I'm your girl.

I might have Daddy's face and sense of humor

But it's you and I

Talking about our respective friends

As we work in the kitchen

You on the main course

Me on dessert.

We laugh

And sing along to Courtney Love's mad howls

No matter how much everyone else winces in response.

Let me tell you a secret, Mama:

I don't want to grow up anymore.

I feel safe here

Always at home

As long as I'm with you.

I love you, Mama

I do.


Mama,

I'm still just a little girl.

It scares me to death

To see you hurt

When there's nothing I can do

To ease your pain.

Part of me wants to do

What you did for me:

Tuck you into bed

With a hug

A kiss

A ginger ale.

"Sleep tight

Night-night

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Sweet dreams

Love you

See you tomorrow."

I want to **** this ******* cancer

Eradicate it

From you

And every man, woman, and child

Who's ever fallen

Into its hideous grip.

I don't want to ever have to leave your side, Mama,

Wouldn't do it

For anything in this world.

I'm sorry

For any nasty thing

I could have ever said to you.

I'm sorry

If the stresses

Of a single moment

Or years' worth of them

Ever stole a little bit of joy

From you and I.  

I love you, Mama

I always will.


I'll do anything

If it means we can take each other's hands

And kick this thing's ***.

Tendrils, memories cascade a stormy mind
Now where did I leave my pride
Forgotten now, a pearly shell on a distant shore
My death will be fierce, I am not afraid to die
But pain, well I’m drowning in it
And I can barely tolerate saying hello
To my dear friends, my loving family
Just tell them to go away and take the pain with them
I’m floating now, ****** clouds waft across an indigo sky
Listen to the echoes, a song from long ago
“Georgia on My Mind”
My heart flutters, I am 17, I meet my first love
Exhilaration, freedom, I can be anyone, anything!
The pages of time, turn swiftly now
Feelings fall away like confetti
I am angry, I am happy, I am sorry, I am sad
I am more and sometimes I am less
Through it all I am me
I will not let cancer take me away from me
For I have you dear lord
and I know there is more
Dear Lord, send my sisters Rose and Bella to get me
Tell them to bring Goldie, my dear dog
I am ready
Just got to sort everyone else out before I go

The brave ones wield their mettle,
yet again not settling for defeat.
Retreat is not a choice!
Though their voices shake; they speak their truth.
Strong and weak.
Age and Youth.

Mama
what I tell you
what I don't tell anyone else

what has happened
what cannot be explained
what we better leave as it is

I have no idea
how it can be otherwise
whether it should be otherwise

mama
we're having a good time
we can talk, talk

about something else
polish our words
let them glide lightly

along the scraping walls
around the discomfort
listening half

inventing the rest ourselves
then it will go
isn't that how it goes?

Those secrets, mama
we don't need to know them
out loud, you know

I miss the long walks
the long evenings together
the boredom of before

I’m sorry for what I’ve done
I really am
I never meant to hurt you like this
I know there is nothing that I could do
For me to change what happened between us
But I hope
That one day
You will forgive me
And still see me as your daughter

I love you mom.....

I have my mother’s hands
She’s always with me
I am her
She is me
We are one

In the hand that only asks, wants and takes
There is little room for gifts
So I expect none.

In the mind filled overflowing with self,
Pleasure and the moment
There isn’t space for gratefulness
So I won’t look for any.

In the heart that sees itself abused in the midst of cosseting
There is no quarter for love returned
So I’ll not hope for that.  
              
In the soul that locks itself away, a willing alien,
There is no inclination to give
So I go empty-hearted.