and it’s my worst nightmare

there’s no humanity in your eyes

no warmth in your flesh

have i begged for this?

i chose wrong

taking for granted the ways this game might change

a twist of rules

a banishment of choices

a destruction of agreements

what were all the decisions i made for?

do i lack any will at all?

are my choices not even my own?

i fail to grasp a single shard of life in the collapsing reality

i am unable to obtain a sliver of self, of power, of will

as it bursts around me

i’m on my knees

barely breathing

i must be dreaming

visions flash before my eyes

hot red beams bore into my skin from above

all there is is destruction

all there is is death

touch me or don’t, i said

there are no hands to hold me now

no vessel to capture me

no defenses

and no hope

without hopes, without shared understanding and a direction

this is what becomes of heroes

this is what becomes of harlots

pirates and prostitutes in my memory

curse me, mock me

i feel nothing of it

i am not floating, i am not sailing

the stars are out of reach, i am beneath all matter

there is an unforgiving blackness all around

giving way to more vicious palettes;

a dark whispering grey

echoing tones of a dying sunset

and blood stains from centuries ago

in my mind i am running

i am escaping

towards the light

but all i feel is gravel beneath me

rough and real

slate, threatening

the devil is a painter

the canvas is smeared and ripped, dripping red and grey and black

beneath me it is red and grey

it is hopelessness

half is a haunting color that brings images of that menacing light

the evil tearing me limb from limb

bloodshed

another tone symbolizes an uncertain frame of time

not a forever

no time at all, perhaps

it is pain, it is ashes

the whispers of the fallen fill my lungs and i am on the verge of  sinking

down through the gravel

i endure the red beams and raise my gaze

hoping for some break in the darkness

a single speck of starlight, a gasp of warmth

but in your eyes i can only see

the world at its end, flames and the desperate wilting of all that is good

speechless and breathless and hopeless

more than wounded

i am finished, the die is cast

but it is not over

It's not blood,
it's rose petals,
dripping into my sink.

How could you?
I hate you.
Please never leave me.

'and I realize everybody is just living their lives quietly but it's only me that's insane'
i walk the streets waiting for your call
six lowly lonely hours feet numbed
it never comes and tho i still love
you i hate you and big promises
spring fatuously little pretty lie
perpetual disappointment
in perpetuity i ******
hate you like
suspended
questions

falsities fabricated in your upward inflection  falsetto all goopy
distasteful muck of all our
empty troubled souls
the sea of the corpus which in reality covers most of  our primordial earth
so best pay attention

what are you high - maybe yes ok
probably can't remember honest
words never the less spill from
my mouth I love you yab yum
for i the raucous martyr-*******
to yer neglect bull whip *******
fantasies   (woe)
me up on yer cross
he died *****
as i do, you
cruel
          terrible
                         butcher *****

He asks me to choke him about fifteen times a day. Fourteen times, I do, but the fifteenth, I take his throat in my hands and I kiss him everywhere he used to hurt. Somewhere along the way I lost track of what it meant to hurt. I tip toe tightrope walk across the tiniest line between good pain and bad pain and I am wearing the daintiest dress you’ve ever seen.

I wonder if a younger version of myself, even a year younger, could look me in the eyes and tell me what they thought they were doing this whole time. I wonder if I could hand that version of myself a sliver of a clock, a grain of sand from an hourglass, a tick of a kitchen timer so that she could have something to stand on, from a step stool perspective of what this year would bring.

When he grabs my wrist and pins me to the sheets like a butterfly, he uses his eyelashes to tickle my cheeks.

When he looks at me and my stomach drops, I tell him he’s handsome and he tells me he needs a haircut.

hazelnut coffee cup
cotton button down
hem my skirt
hem my thoughts about your hands
your belt left bruises
your teeth leave marks
your eyes leave me without

I said darjeeling and masochism,

you said

that sounds like a nice day

Chalkboard

Blindfold

Ripped Jeans

take

off

your

glasses

The rope tied taught around her wrists. Pain induced ecstasy squeals from her lips. FASTER, HARDER she screams so I grab her hips and pull her towards me as we become closer to come one ethereal being. Faces  centimeters from each other as we breathe each other in. I grab her throat as she approaches the grand finale sending enhanced amounts of dopamine as she grabs mine. At this moment the universe is enhanced distant galaxies can be seen angelic choirs can be heard but the most important thing that's happening is her beautiful face, her angelic voice, everything she's doing from that pain induced ecstasy.