when someone looks at me,
is my introduction what

they think theyd get?

theres gotta be more to me then this cell-
not just the clumps of cells i project,
but the prison within.

atleast windows are reliable,
no wonder about a double standard,
when both sides are see through and sane.

so many others have been locked in this same cell
it doesnt make me feel better as

im still here alone.

expect for the voices in my head
a imposter in my cell-
hovering in the corner,
the crack in the wall.

as i cry this imposter laughs at my vulnerability
my biggest hater.

my stomach twist says every flaw is right to be torn apart
a tornado building-

no flaw untouched.
the house that supports my head
aches already
i wish the tornado would take that too.

when the words dont come out of my mouth,

is what they see what they get?

i dissociated from myself a long time ago
my conscience is

floating.

hanging
from the rope i tied years ago
the real me wanted to summit to
the knife.

under my unicorn pillow,
not sharp but
cut to ease.

red cut the blue
and lines deepen with my smile
my wrist still stings even though
im clean.

im see through like long sleeves and slit wrists,
but more so like stained glass-
colorful and full of illusion.

clear windows are bland
but atleast theyre reliable.

I dwell now at a nameless address
Where words no longer visit.
I no longer write
Nor do I wish to mesmerize.
Yesterday,
My home was your heart.
Now I echo through absence.
They say,
“’Tis better to have loved and lost…”
But they forget
Lost time
Is never found again.

Can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't stop crying
Can't breathe
Can't live
Can't do dying
Can't write
Can't read
Can't scream aloud
Can't choose
Can't break
Can't shut down
Can't fly
Can't fall
Can't let them know
Can't speak
Can't stay
But still can't go

Is that all there is?
I'm in wooden canoe sliding down perfect green grass
riding the little uneven dips
yet rolling down smoothly
but the tide comes in
when we're nowhere near the coast
but hey-** that's what the canoe's built for
the tide pushes us down mountainous sliding terrain
my back aches and my mouth is dry from screaming
my fingers tightly ache
this can't be it
all that remains is me and this hideous keyboard
typing out things that never make sense
i cannot understand what i am fighting for
what dinosaur is after me
I'm a caveman with a fully stocked fridge and roof over my head
the survival instincts are alive and well
and yet...
I've achieved everything but nothing at all
I have nothing to show for it
Just a desperate desire to not be wrong again
Not to disappoint people anymore
And be a friend worth having
No way that's it
a too-eventful childhood and adolescence, a politician's scheduled teenagedom and a painfully mediocre twenties
health and wellbeing sacrificed just for a bachelor's
failure after failure in a master's
all to just have one 'unsuccessful' after another in my inbox
and endless promises to my family that I am unable to make good
I thought my people pleasing could at least land me a retail job
but here I am, leading the blind
at the cusp of sitting the hardest exam I'll ever do
and physically and emotionally dead inside
the law I fell in love with
the freedom of learning
my brain's hemispheres turning on their sides and the rainbow eclipsing them
taught me to fight even with endless red tape
there's always something more
only to end up with the door slammed in my face everywhere I turn
I am worse off than I started
the only difference is the stakes are higher
and with every birthday I am too old to not be financially independent
with every birthday comes theirs
and I cannot take anymore
we are all getting old now
I don't know what I like or who I am anymore
I am eternally lost
and I don't know how to write anymore
maybe I missed the boat
I rolled down the hill when I should've walked
that's all there is

Scars within whisper tales only your soul can hear,
Silent stories hidden deep, beyond the world's ear.
In shadows they softly speak, of pain and grace,
A secret song of healing, in your quiet space

Wherever I go, I am a guest.
In the restless sea of my mind,
I find no peace, no rest,
No glowing light to guide me.
Where is my home, my heaven lost -
The one I was meant to find?