Monochrome strings, fizzled out currents,
Dull thumps, dead thumps, redrum me,
The theatre of my undoing and my banes,
The graveyard of unburied, broken dreams;

The heart was made to feel and Lord, I felt,
The vacuity of a thousand dead suns,
The gravity of a tempered yellow star,
What grows the more you take away?

The grief of the fireflies, burned without the fade,
The oddity of a moonflower for one glorious dusk,
None of this makes sense and neither do I,
Lost in the plot, lost a lot, take out the glock;

The revenants of my wounds have resurfaced,
I slip across it's horizon, overcome by it's strength,
Just me and Lana tonight, let the wildflower burn,
Tomorrow's dusk, I'll still be here.

all the while I will love you because I’ve never been good at stringing the little locket heart into my chest. It’s always just dangled in my hand clumsily. People always tell me “kid you gotta hide that. Don’t you know where you are.”and i want to laugh. And say “ I’m in the jungle baby”, proceed to sing the rest of that song, and not let them get me down. Cause **** the *******.

It is what it is, the sadness, but with it
also the love
so,
why suffer.

little locket in hand and the nearness of the you, jazz standards floating through my head,
are enough.

It is what it is.
I’m in Love with you. Thousands of Motown songs and R&B 2019 top charting singles running, forming hills in my mind
mounting
so ever slowly, but continuously that everytime I walk past one of those hills, I fail to recognize it.
They’re becoming mountains

They are what they are,
as this is what it is.

You said "I don't know if you think you're just a burden to me or what"

The answer there is yes, that's exactly what I fear
I've been made to feel a burden since the day I was born
But at times I feel like I'm worth so much more
That I'm not just a burden
But maybe someone to be loved, maybe even cherished
But then I think, maybe I'm really nothing at all

Maybe the universe saw I wasn't fit
Maybe in life, I deserved all of it
You have a hard time showing any feelings
In that void you leave me in, sometimes it sends my thoughts reeling
Everything gets tumbled, my words become jumbled
My actions become erratic, so not humble
It's because I fear the worst, that's exactly what I am

A Burden

©Pauline Russell

What you give me is what I receive,
The feelings overloading and essentially controlling me are forcing the inner version of myself to ignore thee,
Block off anyone who interferes with my life in the smallest of ways.
Stress is enough,
I can no longer think straight.
Consistently titling to both ends of our path,
I thought the starting would lead us somewhere beyond the fan stays of great,
But I was kicked and left in the dust with the others,
The prophecy unveiled itself,
I was right since the beginning, but my witless gut remained oblivious to my emotionally unstable self and instead stayed behind with the real you.
I grew attached to you, thinking everything for once would finally accumulate into one enjoyable entirety,
But you shattered me both internally and externally,
Now all I can focus on is how to fix these pieces back together.
Before I loose touch upon myself once more,
I ask anyone for forgiveness, begging on my knees for all to please.
I wish to give the little portion of my purity and happiness to you, now, am I considered the wrong and careless one?
Or are you, the heartless form of me?

My head feels like it's constantly on a marathon trying to get to first place, trying to make sense of what's left tangible, the tiniest bit perceivable. I like to try to murmur to my right ear the sweet nothings in which I never even believe-no matter the extent I've dug deep because everything there is in this fragile chest of mine are hundreds of wailing ghosts I have no capability of releasing.

And, I hate it.