I deeply have Passion and Love.
But I often feel such Disparity.
And somewhere
in between
There is Peace.

Imagine me
unlocking your eyes
in such a way that
heaven and earth in their
full boundlessness
pour unto me,
osmosing into the depths
of my being

Imagine me
falling

             deeper


                                          into





                                                                                         you

In the cancer museum
I imagine where mine
would rest in peace and ease.

My eyes scan rows of organs:
Disney’s lungs on top of
Newman’s own **** pair;

Ingrid Bergman’s left breast
bump Bette Davis’ right—
indiscreet voyagers;

Audrey Hepburn’s colon
nesting Farrah Fawcett’s
like Tiffany Angels.

I saw my spot next to…
but the doctor called me
back to look at the scans.

He pointed out my growths
grouped in a triangle,
told me of their plan/cure-

called them clouds but they seemed
caterpillars vegging
out on my intestines.

I imagined them cocooning,
metamorphosing to
surgical butterflies

or staying just rounders,
yellow earrings just for
Audrey’s and Farrah’s lobes.

Then the doctor turned it
and the picture became
more terrible things:

rats, sharks, wasps all vying
for valuable shelf space
in the small gallery.

Tourists and soldiers from
the plane crash/war museum
wander in wondering

why there are no jet planes
reassembling in slow
motion horror, dog tags

melted into the seats,
flesh in the torn engines,
no screams of real terror,

just the crowd bumping and
marching into me in silence,
sometimes taking pictures

while **** yellow chemo
solution runs down my
leg in pupae slime lines.  

The last one opens me,
looking for spikes of grief
or fury.  Finding none,

not even a cold tomb,
just a rip, tear, dim sounds
as the crowd echoes down

and surges out the door
for all the Holocaust
store souvenirs next door.

I hear my heart rustle
in the computer bytes,
the breath of trees

and swallows in my files,
a dusty cross inside
releasing butterflies

to the sky as I step
back and watch all
****** into the blue.

“Do you think I got it
all in?” the doctor says,
snapping my last picture

They say the more you try to deny something
The stronger it becomes

Maybe its true
Because the more I try to deny it
The more I fall in love with you

My tongue and my heart have betrayed me.
And though I curse
these wondering and doubts,
I do not regret
saying those simple words.

We lay together in bed,
and while I showed you all my scars,
you counted all the things
you loved about me
on the tips of your fingers.
You moved closer-
close enough to hear the hammering
of my hopeless heart.

Your elbow brushed mine.
          and I allowed myself to remain within reach.
Close by, where your still-damp hair
begged for my fingers to caress,
reach out - tenderly touch.
It would have been so easy
to weave my fingers through yours
or to rest my head on your shoulder.
But my mind wouldn't leave me
and before I caught them;
my words had betrayed me.

"I really like you"
slipped out somewhere in the dark
and the echo returned to me.
You threw your arm over me then,
pulled me close enough
to breathe the smell of rain and earth
you carry like a perfume.

You let me let you hold me
until we could bear it no more.
And I fell asleep listening
to the rhythm of your breathing
singing sweet songs in the dark.