yelling
screaming
numb
numb
numb
the thread broke
now its not the voices telling me to
**** myself
its

me

i lie in my bed at night, as the voices grow louder and louder and louder
consuming everything around me as i press my blanket to my ears, trying, desperately, to block out the noise
i need a distraction
something to take this pain away
the sharp sound of the scissors
blood clots
stabbing pain
scars on my wrists
                   you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it  
                             you deserve the pain, the hurt, everything
                  you deserve it
the voices grow louder
                   you deserve it
and louder
                   you deserve it
and louder
there is no escape.
the dark creeps in, infiltrating everything, its teeth bared,
gleaming dark obsidian
and charcoal until it consumes everything
until all you can do is
cut

playing with matches lit
listening to the fight
sitting on the stairs
knowing it all
but not helping
you always said
it took a village to raise me
but a child not embraced by the village
will burn it down to feel its warmth
but now your house is flaming
the blaze flickers between your teeth
the child plays in the shadows of the fire
what will you do now?

loud
the world invades
until
i die
but no
"false alarm"
my mind says
like i didn't just lie on the floor
clutching my ears
in pain
hurting so much
   d
y
      i
  n
        g
until i feel like a ghost
in the shell of a person
lost
caves
tunnels
offices
hallways
lockers
and i can't return
to the shell of me
just watching from above.

im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im fine
but the scissors cut deeper and deeper every time
im ok
im ok
im ok
im fine
but lying in by bed, i start to think its my time
im ok
i say
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok
































im not

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

But I love him....

So I'll live.

My body is so tired
I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.
I just want a break
Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so, because
My brain is wide awake
And it wont let me sleep

Get ****** brain.
I'll just be tired and grumpy tomorrow
And that way everyone will get ****** at me.
Its not like you care is it? No.

You dont care.
You scream at me every time i eat something with sugar in it.
You whisper horrible things in my ears when i'm alone.
You convince me to hurt myself so i can feel something, after you've shut down all my other emotions.
You make me fall for people too late and too often and not enough.
You tell me i'm not enough.

*******
I just want to sleep
Stop putting these thoughts in my head and leave me alone.

I wish i could do
The right ******* thing for once
But i guess i cant

Things are better when
I'm not there to **** them up
I'm really sorry