Everyone goes home for the holidays
to see loved ones
to enjoy a homemade meal
warm cookies and fresh eggnog
they cuddle under blankets and watch christmas movies
but for me I'm not going home
even though I'm already at my mothers house
I'm wandering the streets
looking for home
chasing the voice that calls me
that's begging me to come home
I'm so lost
How can you find a place if it keeps running away?

my stomach churns at the thought
of the 20th Christmas i'll spend
without someone who loves me.
everyone in my family has someone else
and i wait for someone to fill
the empty spot beside me
holding my hand.

I almost spent the holidays alone this year
until I whispered
"I want to be very alone and die"
about 4 times instinctively
under my breath.

I read, "Honest Helix"
and realized nothing has changed.
This **** is ******* maddening.

So ******* for what I did,
and I'm going to make it
through this season,
and ******* for reading this
because I never wrote
**** for any of you anyways.

I hope you're either ecstatic,
or you suffocate when you
think of me.

*******. *******. *******.
And a Happy New Year.

I am tired of waiting for December
with her white teeth and prolonged visions of lace veils
to get dressed
put her makeup on  
before taking the long road back to me
weary of her indirection
as if she can't remember the short way
as if she wouldn't drive 200 miles
guilt heavy in the trunk of her car
for being so far away
just to steer clear of me
because you can't build a fire
in the middle of an ice storm,
or her cold shoulder all the same.
There is no use in laying in the sun
when the possibility to thaw
is below 0.
I am tired of missing December
each time January melts away.

Some families keep in touch all year round.
For some families, holidays are the only days that they'll come around.
You have to hold on and hold on tight.
It's so much better to have your family year round instead of that one holiday night.
I understand that people grow along with their own family.
Bringing them all together is a perfect picture that should be shared for everyone to see.
There's nothing better than getting together for all of the holidays.
Just sitting and laughing and enjoying all of the new days.
Everyday that past and your not there.
It gives me a feeling inside of some unknown fear.
If I had one wish then that wish would be.
Is that all year round we can enjoy being a family.
I wish you all luck and a Merry Christmas.
I just know that like last year my whole family will be missed just like this.
Everyday that your gone we grow further apart.
But all of our child hood memories will always be keep deep inside of my heart.
Remember all the good times the ones that got us through the bad.
And all of the happy times that got us through even when we were said.
We didn't have much but we always had love.
To always be reassured we never missed a chance for mom to give us a hug.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all.
Be with those special friends and family at the dropping of the ball.
          Happy New Year's