I sometimes lose myself from pain
Wondering if it will ever end
'Cause this is taking so long
Don't know what I'm doing wrong

You've pulled me out of it far too many times
You've brought light to my life
But now that you're gone
Seems like you're bringing the light with you.

Startled, I jump.
I have awoken in a bed. Not mine. I think.
But one that might have been an amalgam of all of them. It smells vaguely of lost loves.

“Hello, Ryan,” I hear from the darkness, once again making me jump. Standing in the doorway is a slight young woman. I could have sworn she wasn’t there a minute ago.

I step towards her. Rather than getting closer she slowly illuminates more, like a dimmer switch and a camera coming into focus simultaneously.
Stark realization overwhelms me. I rush over and close the distance in a blink, wrapping my arms around her, tears trailing behind me. They remain suspended in the air as globules of liquid remembrance.

“Heather?” “I thought you were gone. That we lost you?”

“I am. And so are you.”
“At least for now.”

She pries me from her and pushes back into the darkness.
“Am I dead?”

“Not yet,” she says.

“Are you… You?”

“Sort of.”
“I am the me you remember.”
“Being dead is like this odd disconnected collection of everyone else’s recollection of you. I am what you think I was.”
“The rest of me is in someone else.”
“It’s kinda like God. He/She/It/They are whatever people think they are. Whatever they worship as the divine is. They think therefore are.”

“Is this heaven?”

“No. It’s just me.”

“Are you God?”

“We are all are, kinda.”

“Look, I need to tell you something. Something you’ve lived with your whole life. Without living your whole life.”
“WAKE UP”

Amputate
His leg
She said so calmly
I thought
Yours first

I just
Want
To fall in love
With my best friend

But I'm scared
Of the consequences
And how
It would affect
The other people
I hold dear

-----------------------------------------------------------­

I've never been
One to have
Crushes
In fact
I always thought
Myself weird
For that very same
Reason

Until I met you
That is
Until I fell for you
I no longer
Thought myself weird

What is weird
However
Is our double helix dance
Of flirtation
And friendship

Constantly either moving
Toward each other
Or away
Drawn together
Or apart

It's so weird
To me
That I still keep
Crushing
On you
For its entirely
New
Yet so
Old

Hopefully soon
Our dance can end
And we can
Just be honest
With ourselves
With each other
And finally kiss
In the middle

She said we were forever.
I should have been more clever
Wishing she was with my friend
I should have seen the end
Anger fills me, turns into rage
But what I found upon the next page,
Was one who truly cares
We’ve become a great pair
I made the wrong choice at first
Followed a *****, had a misplaced thirst
But what it led to
Was you.

i keep forgetting how intensely i love.

i'm terribly sorry -

my affection must have spilled over

in the most unexpected and uncontrollable way possible -

out of my fumbling hands

and into your beautiful heart