My mind is going weird again and hurting my head
I don't know what to make of it

I think
I want a male me
Or just me. I want another me. Doesn't necessarily have to be male. Can be female. Why not both. But I want another physical and spiritual embodiment of who I am as a person

A part of me just wants to hug and hold someone. And my head is automatically choosing said person, but the feeling of the mere hug and contact is overshadowing the identity of the person by a few degrees

I miss calloused hands roaming my body. And I miss body heat. I miss legs I can entangle mine with. I miss the crooks of necks. I miss snores emanating from a chest and hearing the rumble in the air from it. I miss tired faces resting and appearing destressed. I miss light groans as a body shifts positions in their sleep.

I think I can pinpoint what it is that I miss. Because although all sound like physical and verbal responses, it is not the actions, although they always go hand in hand.

I think I miss intimacy. But what is necessarily intimacy?
There's a few definitions as soon as one googles it
A close familiarity or closeness. A private, cozy atmosphere. A closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.

My chest aches and pounds as I try to put my finger on what it is I'm searching for. The more it aches, the closer I am to finding my answer

Intimacy.
In-tih-mah-see.
In-to-me-see.
See-in-to-me.
Intimacy is to see in to me.
It is to let and allow someone to see you for who you are, to know what makes you a being.
But not necessarily in your head.

Intimacy is the knowledge of how another person's mind control's their body. How the body reacts to acts that can cause the mind to blank or move forward just off-beat of the body.

It's dragging your fingertips over their body and feeling the goosebumps rise as a laugh comes from the mouth over the words "popcorn butter is actually coconut oil with artificial flavoring" and feeling your eyes connect the dots between those goosebumps to their face and your brain noticing the connection between noises and nerve endings.

Intimacy is a weird state to be in. Because too much can cause the mind to blank and overload itself with serotonin and dopamine. All the while there is never enough time in the world to drag on that forever feeling
It's the act of getting lost in a person and discovering bits and pieces of how you affect said person.
In body, in mind, in response

I think I'm done because I don't know how else to frame my words. My head hurts and my chest pounds with equal force. I believe it's time for me to bid adieu and deal with this in the dreamscape

you touched every
inch
of my body
except my
heart

let me paint this picture
let me put it straight

his eyes closed for the last time

she lingers but a moment
her fingers on his cheek

his lips are ashen grey
the smile from before now so far away

he carried his flag with pride

his standard flew so high
but they shot him in his street

his martyred soul with the god he loved
his mother left praying over his shell

a nation chained
a voice lost

mothers left broken children left crying
a clan, a nation, a blood that is dying

out of the ashes and into the sky
from the depths of deception a hero shall rise

wings once torn now flying high
once torn by the world's weight

hope lost, again found

burned by the flames
scorched by the sun

a voice speaking of what is to come

I open my eyes and
see that the day has given me
a dull grey attitude again because of
the depression that I hide
from within, a smile to go along with it
to avoid the questions that people ask
that always seem to hurt.

These scars that hide behind
my long-sleeved shirts or the sleeves
of my jacket, are the marks of when
I couldn't handle life anymore.
Yet, I am always persistent, even if I am
already hopeless, worthless and pained.
I still hold on even if I've been doing that for long.

I am a soldier who fights my demons alone.
A battle with a pre-determined winner yet,
I should try to manage not to lose.
I wear a mask to hide the tears that
I always shed every second of the day.
And, even if I always fight back,
the monster that fights me, always comes back.

as i play these notes
the melody that i am playing
cannot be heard
for i cannot feel the piano connect with me

the world is black and white
just like piano keys and music sheets
happiness can no longer be found
for you faded away

the violin that you loved so
leans against the wall
gathering dust bunnies
waiting for you to play it again

where have you gone?
what i had in my heart was you
the inspiration to keep playing
the music that i once heard before

under the cherry blossoms
we made an agreement
but yet you slowly disappeared
and created your lie in april