When lonely, I wish for solitude
For I am alone most when with others.
The others with their wicked smiles and bloodied teeth-
The hidden malice underneath,
My friend has left for wild wolves
And I am the one to be culled.
Let me retreat to the outside,
Where silence pervades and my mind quiets.
Let me find solace in the wreckage of begotten riots
Riots against the carnivorous pack-
The midnight shadows residing in the back.
Leave me to be human in the dark
Leave me to hunt with you, though far apart.
Leave me to be alone
Let me dispel the lonely feast
Upon my tender demeanor, ever sweet
Consumed by the malicious extroverted beast.

In one breath, now
Lucidity takes hold
As the night in all its restless soul
Awakens from wicked slumber
And I, privy to the noise of nothing
Where every muted moan reaches out
And leaves scars on the skin
I dream of the car screeches
Stopping, loading a magazine
Releasing itself unto me
A burst of harsh light
And the noise of bullets
That could so easily meet me
As I sit, on the porch
Breathing in- letting out smoke
With my pants suffocating the waist
Purple the *****
Stiff the finger
I hear that violent, quiet thing
Sounds like a ringing tingle
Reverberate so cold
From some placeless footstep
A new kind of constriction
In the night's endless fiction

Dropped an opportunity
It shattered against my concrete reality
It wasn’t my fault- it just slipped
The wind took it
God whispered a fire, and my hands were lit
Either way
I lost this
A fragment of my dreams
The golden prospect
The road to my future- cleaned, clear, and preened
Yet
Hope is glass
And to my dismay
It falls quite fast
it cracks
Before you can blink.

Mirror self, confidante
I speak to you as if my reflection could hold up to lengthy conversation
But you’re as fragile as I am
Gleaming glass, tempered with crying
I ask you once again
What did I do, to hurt you to where I cannot make amends
Reflection, I beg you
With your tear streaked face and ****** mistakes
The dark wisps of our hair to be our rotting frames
In ever many mirror eternities
How can I fix you
Repair myself
We are but fractured parts
Of something that may have been beautiful once
But with our shattered hearts, where do we go from here?

he is wearing lynx africa and i have a war playing out inside of me / i ring him / i tell him i have no money left / i say “i'm sorry you couldn’t **** the gay out of me” / he laughs like it’s his fault / i say it's fine and then i hang up / i think about how there will never be enough air in the atmosphere for me to breathe / my skin is infinite / i don’t have edges / it’s difficult to expect to not get touched when you live in endless skin / the air is hanging low tonight / lower than ever / i go to ring her / to tell her she is a gardener / a hospital-clean being / i don’t have her number anymore / i have to tell her about these hands / these old hands / how i think they caused chernobyl when i was someone else / i have to tell her that every word was a mistake / they were all just really bad spellings of her name.

Others can cook.
I can't.
Others can draw.
I can't.
Others can sing.
I can't.
Others can swim.
I can't.

Others have friends.
I don't have one.
Others have loved ones.
I don't have one.
Others have siblings.
I don't have one.
Others have family.
I don't have one.

Others are rich.
I'm not.
Others are successful.
I'm not.
Others are free.
I'm not.
Others are better.
I'm not.

Others can do anything.
I can't.
Others have everything.
I have nothing.
Others are very lucky.
I'm not.
Others is all they need.
And so I'm done.

is this clarity
or hormones?
how awful
i cannot tell the difference

is that even fair?

the body i am meant
to love
to trust
to protect

can't even tell me
the truth

the pond is shallow
the water is murky

i can't see my reflection
the water keeps its ripples
because every time i see
my face i want to
cry loudly because i am
just as thin as water
just as shapeless and unassuming

the water is murky

because my shoes are muddy
and i keep kicking up

rocks