I realized I couldn’t become you.
Today, after years of fear
Burning at the back of my throat like fire,
I realized,
If I had the ability
To become like you at all,
The tears in her eyes
Wouldn’t have put tears in mine

Lovers embrace each other like there is no tomorrow.
Mothers cry for the future of their parting kids.
Fathers ponder about the wrongdoings

and I will be there,
with a cup of coffee steaming hot

and you will be there, too
at the other side
                              of the table
                              of the sea
We’d look at each other
Or maybe not
Maybe wet just breath the same air
for one last time

In the night before the end of the world
We’ll give our farewells
to an unknown future
We’ll ask empty apologies to unborn children

In the middle of the table
Between the cookies and words not said
Will lay bare our regrets of a
                              Unloved
                              Unlived
life

How often do you think about death
About dying
About everyone else dying

While I sit with mom
Watching a movie about euthanasia
She asks me
                       What are you going to do with me?

I thought about dying when the world seemed too dark
And life felt too heavy

She though about dying when her body hut too much
And her heart was broken

But that night
Watching an old man loving too much
We both felt like we didn’t think about dying
By aging
By living too much

In the morning
With warm coffee in our hands
I said to her
                         What you ask me to

because while i scrub the tiles
I can't hear you in the kitchen
I can't hear the words you say under your breath

While trying to get rid of the ugliness between the tiles
I try to get rid of the ugliness inside me
My head can only recite you words
even if I try to imagine histories of other words
even if I repeat my mantra
                                               aléjate de mi aléjate de mi aléjate de mi
I can only hear those voices

Am I too much?

why is that the me that i thought was the best of me
is the one hurting you?
why is that i thought that everything was fine
but every word
every look
every action
was hurting you?
why is that i was convinced that the worst was behind us?

is bad that even if you are telling me that I'm hurting you
every day
every second
I can only cry?

am I bad for thinking in the way your words hurt me
when you are the one hurting?

is this the best that I can get?

I just keep running in circles
thinking that I'm close to the end

I thought that -
does it matter what i thought?

the bathroom is clean now
I didn't want you to enter
I wasn't finished yet
is everything I say that hurtful?

I ask you
If you love me,
All the time:
While eating
Watching television
Working
Cooking

I need to get it

I’m not afraid that one day
You’ll realize that you don’t love me anymore
What really scares me is that
one day
That love won’t be enough
For you to forgive everything I’ve done
Everything that I haven’t done
Everything I won’t do