I always swear work doesn’t affect me.

Trauma?! HA! Never.

And for the most part I am ok.

But suddenly I realized as I counted every single calorie; every single bite… scrubbed every surface and washed my hands far too many times..

The fear of gaining weight; of relying on everyone else to care for me…

Just might be coming from the living people whose bodies are actively rotting. Flesh and fluids dripping off the sides of my stretcher.

My ambulance regularly becoming a biohazard until I’ve scrubbed every inch.

Listening to the sounds of weeping patients on their way to the ER for the 5th time this month because no body cares about them.

It’s not death that scares me. Not loss of limbs or sight that worries me. It’s not having anyone who wants to love me. Not having anyone willing to speak for me when I am broken. It’s the idea my mind can be pristinely sharp but my body defeated and needing someone. But no body cares.


That possibility is petrifying.

-ARI

It’s such an odd irony
For me to be legally responsible
For lives of strangers
When I can barely keep my own heart beating

The irony that I fill hospitals
With heart broken patients
Whose self-hate has come to life
Leaving trails of loathing etched into their skin

When I fight daily
To keep those thoughts at bay
And my smile so perfectly practiced
Few could even fathom I would ever want to…. Stop

-ARI

all my poems begin with the weather,
overlaid with time and place

comforting certitude,
cocktail of calibration,
calculating precision,
a surety bonding.
a shared time and space
with humanity


all my poems end with
"if only,"
incessant self-queryimg, imbalanced cowardice,
a yellowing shadow of red doubt,
overwhelming black stain of a starless night sky,
an inconsequential infection
coveting my weakfish earthbound innards

tyranny of selfish doubt,
the cowardly safety of 'not me'
the pockmarked constellation of
everything tragic body tattooed,
the Cain mark you hide beneath the torn skin
of being
only human

all my poems end with whether

The first lesson they teach us in EMT class
Is to never lose our compassion,
Never forget that every patient is
A human being with a story, a family, a life.
They tell us to keep our emotions in check
But to never lose our respect,
The trust in the competency and freedom of choice,
For we are the link of survival
On the worst day of their lives.
We were not there to know the reason that led
Up to the call,
But we are there to get them through the danger that followed.
Why then does the text book instruct us to abandon our respect,
Abandon the presumption of humanity
At the mere thought of the words 'developmental disability?'
Why do the words Autism and Down Syndrome suddenly
Make it okay to condescend and patronize as if to a child,
To infantilize an adult whose intelligence we are not qualified to assume?
Why is it my duty to respect a neurotypical patient
And my job to abandon it for the developmentally disabled?
I wonder if they would encourage my peers to treat me the same?
After all, who cares that I am top of the class and squad leader to boot?
Who cares that I answer the most questions or scored highest on the test?
I am autistic. I am considered less than human.
No.
The textbook is wrong,
Primitive despite being updated in 2018.
Respect every patient means Respect ALL,
No exceptions,
No diagnostic caveats.
'First, do no harm.'
Treat with empathy and compassion.
It is their own inhumanity that prevents them
From recognizing the humanity inside us,
The developmentally challenged.
I live on planet Autism,
Population 1 in 59,
No less of a person than any other,
Perhaps more human really.
That humanity is the force behind my First Responder drive.
Do not deign to treat me as small child or foreign planet inhabitant.
Forget the basis in the archaic.
Respect and compassion for all cannot be checked at the door.
I am not less than.
My struggles have, if anything,
Forced me to become more.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to see you again.
I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.
The ****** ****** detoxing on my cot.
The guy that put a gun to my head.
My mother pushing me from the car.
I want the pain to stop.
I crawl inside that bottle of whiskey.
And follow it with a few to many sleeping pills.
I want my thoughts to stop racing.
I start to drift silently into sleep,
On that park bench.
It's one in the morning.
That light is so bright.
I hear my name,
My body shaking,
"Wake up, Amanda.
Amanda you need to wake up."
There's three officers standing over me.
Flashing their lights in my face.
I start to come around.
"We need you to walk over to the squad."
I can barely stand.
My speech is slurred.
"What did you take?"
I try to tell them.
Beg and plead to just let me sleep.
They call the paramedics.
As they try to keep me awake.
Please let me sleep.
I want to say I'm sorry.
We may not wear the same uniform,
But we definitely fight on the same team.
I don't want to die.
I just want the pain to end.

I have no gifts worthy to be given.

I am but a simple man, only able to offer my God given skills.

They are not brilliant. They are not grand. But they are rare. And they are valuable.

They are my life and my livelihood.
They know know no limits nor bounds.
They are always ready.
And they are never ending.

My gift to you is my life. For it is the product of these skills.

My promise to willingly give it in place of yours so that you may live on and not suffer such pain.

I will be your light in the darkest of places. So that you can live without fear. Fear of the evil that lurks in the shadows.

I will never abandon you. I will never rest. I will always stand by your side ready to fight.

These skills are who I am.
They are all that I am.
They are meticulously refinded to the finest quality.
And I give them freely without hesitation or regret.

I am your Guardian. Sleep safe in my arms and know, harm will never come to you.

Rest your head on my chest and close your eyes. Feel my heart beat, for you are the reason it beats. Know that it will never stop beating until my dying breath.

And that too, will be in service to you.

You are my love. You are my life. And it is an honor to be your Guardian. Your knight.

Your Hero.