Hello cousin
Do you remember me?
I held you
and played peek-a-boo
then let you walk around the room
grabbing at ham that was placed strategically.
Sticky fingers would reach for stickier handholds
you would balance eating with one hand
and staying upright with the other.
Eyes wide and mouth wider,
as fistful following fistful of your favourite food would fold
and be consumed with delight and achievement.
Your eyes had stars in them.
Dear cousin,
Don’t lose those stars.

I hate airports.
I hate the vibrant colours, the staff who work happily, even through the mass of sadness that countless others are experiencing around them.
I hate the food, which is good, but sometimes, the bitterness of leaving sinks to the taste.
But most of all, i hate the the idea of parting, the idea of saying goodbye.
No matter how near or how far I may go, just knowing that I’ll be away from your grasp is painful enough.
I hate waking up on that day. The surrealness of it. To know that in a mere 24 hours, this won’t be home anymore. My last day on that bed. My last day with those people. My last day on that ground. My last day breathing this air, until well… god knows when.
I hate seeing you. I love you so much, but seeing your dead eyes, and seeing how your inner pain is so great that it’s affecting you physically, affects me too. I hate seeing you struggle to be strong, even though the pain is evident.
I hate hearing the plans for our trip.
The bags and boxes that served as my storage unit and dumping grounds, all neatly packed up, just like the day we landed. The only tie I have to the place that serves as my “home”. Really, “home” to me is a home away from my real home.
I hate the feeling of guilt, knowing YOU are the one who’s leaving a hole behind. That though it’s hard, it’s always being left behind that hurts more.
The voices and extra noise that I made. The late night guitar playing or the early morning screaming. In 24 hours, gone.
All of it parts on a metal tube in the sky. Planes….
I hate that "back to normal" feeling, that lack of presence that we leave behind. I hurt them, even though I don’t want to.
Then there’s the ride going to the airport
Please, come with me. I need you here. Just a few more minutes. Just another second. Anything.
Every little inch closer to the airport, I have to look out the window, act like I can’t see your eyes through the reflection. Act like I don’t know what you want to say. Act like I’m just giving this place “one final look”. Holding back the tears.
Mess up my ticket. Burn the plane. Pop the tires. I don’t want to go.
I wish I didn’t know these streets, but I do. I know the ride. I know the locations. I can tell we’re getting closer.
I know you don’t want to be here. But please stay with me.
I want to know how much time we have together until I have to leave.
i can already imagine, during that ride back...
The black stain of absence that I left. The emptiness of everything, and the pain you’re facing.
I wonder why you seem like you can barely move. Like you’re wearing shoes made of -
Oh.
It’s the weight.
I’m sorry.
I look back at the spot on the bed that I used to take up.
I hate taking these photographs.
The smiles I give are always fake, and I know yours is too. We pretend, because at the end of the day, there is no happy family. Not today. Not while we have to separate.
Please don't capture this moment.
Please give me a hug.
Don’t let go. A part of me prays something inside you goes berserk, like in those supernatural movies
That maybe you’re keeping some sort of secret power or trump card that you’re waiting to use.
That maybe you might grow wings and take me away from here so we miss the flight.
That maybe you just whisper “run” and for some strange reason, we just run away, buying even just a few moments. A few fleeting moments.
It'll be awhile before i get another one of your hugs, so please, hold me like it’s your last because god forbid if I die on that plane I’ll never get to hug you again so please.
Even though you’ll feel empty after, please. It’s so selfish but god, do it for me.
Thing is, I know deep in my heart I’m not the only one feeling this sadness
Right and left there are goodbyes
There are couples who are a few goodbyes away from a long distance relationship
There is a kid who is clinging to her dad's leg telling me to stay or take her along because he's working abroad
There are people sharing words to family members who live far away
There's so many people feeling the same, but... it doesn’t take away from the pain.
“Have a safe trip!”
I want to die.
“Call us when you’re home!”
I am home.
“Don’t cry”
You’re lucky you can’t see into my soul, because I’m not crying. I'm bleeding.
“Come back soon!”
I don’t need to leave.
“Bye”
I don’t want to go
"Bye"
Don’t push me away
"Bye"
Why did you make me leave this place.
"Bye"
I don’t want to go…

bye.

I hate airports

I'd give anything
If I could have her.
I'd give anything,
If she could be my world.
I'd give anything to be her man,
I'd give everything.

But she will never see me as more than I am,
A friend,
A brother,
A protector.

I will always try running from my feelings,
Taking girl after girl,
Always trying to make her jealous.

But it never works, and I end up with a broken heart.
And she has guy after guy, making me jealous every time.

I can't have her because we're too much like family,
Always close, but never close enough.
How cursed did I have to be to almost be her cousin?
If it were not for a summer love so long ago,
She would not even know me.

I wish I would never have even known her.
Like a whirlwind she came and did a number on my head,
Like a siren she calls but I can never run to her,
I can never indulge myself in her touch.
She teases without even knowing she's doing it.

I'd give anything to have never known her,
Because love never had is preferable over love always chased after.
I can never have her but she has me.

How depressing it is that I must tell you this,
If not you, then not anyone.
Besides, I would much rather profess my love to strangers than to the girl who unknowingly has my heart.
Even if she does know,
She must not think anything of it.

Because I am only her friend,
Her brother,
Her protector.
She will never see me as more than I am.

"A Moment Of Truth

My Dear Love, I Wanted To Share
My Thoughts, My Feelings And
What Makes Me Despair
I Want To Share With You
What Makes Me Happy; What Makes Me Feel Blue..
So You Can Sense That My Love Is Honest And True.

Every Day Not A Single Minute
Passes By Without You In It
Your Skin, Your Voice, Your Body And Your Touch
All Of These Moments, I Miss Them So Much.

You Are So Present, So Deep In My Heart
And Our Souls, I Just Know, Will Never Part,
But Circumstance And Distance Can Be So Overwhelming
They Close Doors And Create Doubt And We Start Blaming..

There Are Actions Of Mine And I Know That For Sure..
That Feel So Wrong, Though My Intentions Are Pure
They Are Painful And Impossible To Bear
And You Feel It's All So Unfair.

You Can't Run From Yourself;
There Is No Place To Hide
It Just Hurts You So Deep
It Hurts Your Heart And Your Pride.

Then I Worry That If I Continue To Stay
Will It Be Wrong And Will I Be In Your Way?
I Fear That I Am Not At All What You Need
And That This Truth Will Make My Heart Break And Bleed.

Then I Sit Here And Wipe Away My Tears
Wishing You Could Kiss Away My Fears
If Only You Knew How Much?¦.
I Miss And Need Your Embrace And Your Touch

I Know I Can't Hide From My Thoughts And My Fear
And I Know At These Times I Don't Seem Near
But You Break Down These Walls
With The Strength Of Your Love
And Then I Feel Blessed
From God Above!

My Love For You Runs So Deep Through My Vein
That I Dream Of You, In Spite Of The Pain."

I always wonder if all the hours I've spent wanting to be you,

You have spent wanting to be me;

And as soon as the thought rushes to my pupils, my vision is blurred with tears,

How could that be, that the most magnificent person in the world could want to be anyone but herself?

But then the photo focuses and I can see the bigger picture:

This is what the world does.