with the gumption of some-
one far wiser in years, you told us
you wanted to fly. Ok, alright.
Sticky fingered and ****-kneed
perched up on the tower of Babel,
kicking the breeze:
       "sorry, are you okay?" licking
bruised ankles and knees,
you're still walking, modern day
James Dean.

When I was a little girl, I hated violence.


I'm almost an adult now and violence is my greatest strength, I don't think it's better than kindness but nevertheless it seems powerful, loud, I can't express myself without it.


I have to be aggressive almost always, and it hurts people but nevertheless, it's the only way people listen to me. 


I feel worthless without my voice, like my dad’s old t-shirt that's now used to clean up dirt. 

I feel small when I'm not heard, I could be in class but nevertheless, I'll stand up shatter like glass.


You see, I grew up thinking that being quiet would make things calmer, quiet would glue my family back together just like the broken clay cup on the kitchen floor after my parents would scream simultaneously over each other, so from a very young age I hated violence.


The aggression triggered the self-hatred in me, I made an effort to sit behind the corner so I could be ready to step in because when they fought, it was like the apartment suddenly filled with strong currents from the sea in a deep underwater cave that only seemed to be relieved when my father retrieved.


I never wanted to be labelled as the "crazy and violent" girl, nevertheless, my emotions flood with rage as I try to grip onto reality.

I spoke my mind with words that cut deeper than a blade, louder than a man, I suffocated people with my dark intrusive thoughts.

My personality was bigger than brothers hoodies I used to steal.


One day I began to find comfort in my violence and somewhere along the way, I learned that my voice is like an old childhood blanket that's so ***** and worthless, but to me, It's my only way of feeling heard. 


I learned not to let people in because what's the point if in the end I'll be letting them go through the smoke of a joint. 

I learned not to hold myself back when an immature boy only sees me as a toy.


I learned to love my quiet yet aggressive personality because as a child, myself is all I had. 


Violence isn't always the answer, nevertheless now that I'm grown, I don't hate violence.


In fact it's is my greatest strength.

Oh, how I dreamed of those firefly nights
And our playful games and fights
With the setting of the sun, through the fields we'd run

I remember those memories vividly
But they can no longer be
They are now owned by the past and can no longer last

And now me and my friends have grown up
Yet I still feel stuck
To go back, I yearn, just to return

And one day I was granted a wish
Then with a pop and a swish
I returned to what was mine, I traveled back in time

I returned to that firefly night
But nobody was in sight
They all moved on, they all were gone

They all grew up from day to day
And not even time was there to stay
And I was forever alone in the place I used to call home

Could you really                                      
Blame me?

After all I did
for us.

Of course
I’ve been 18+
since I was 12

But maybe
It was too early