Here's your letter.
Not the one you deserve, because I already left that one for you in the rain outside your mom's house.
But here's the letter you were wanting. The one that explains what I was feeling when I didn't have the courage to tell you.
When I left you in December, I meant it.
I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you. I wanted to have you still in my life, but not like how we were. I craved your companionship. You craved so much more out of me. You craved my love, my happiness, my family, and my life. You craved everything I could no longer offer you. When things turned sour in December and January, I knew that we were not meant to last forever. I needed you in my life. You were my relief from anxiety. No one understood me and could help me like you did. I needed your friendship.
When we started to see each other again for coffee dates, you would calm me down from my anxiety by climbing ontop of me in the backseat of your mom's car. I never asked for that. I never even wanted that. But I could never resist your touch or the feeling of your soft lips and warm breath gliding across my skin. Your physical touch became the thing I craved most. I was addicted to the feeling of your skin on mine and I needed it more than the air we breathed.
When things escalated from meeting up for coffee, curled up in the backseat to dinner dates and seeing your friends again, I knew I was in too far. I knew there was no going back to being just friends. I knew that wasn't an option with you. I felt trapped into this relationship I didn't want. I stopped talking to everyone because I was embarrassed at the fact that I got myself back into this abusive relationship with you again. I was ashamed to tell people you were mine again.
That's when I reached out for help again. I reached out to my previous ex. He had always been there for me and I knew he would listen and try to help me without getting my parents involved. I needed away from you because you weren't making me feel the way you used to. I felt horrible. I was filled with negative thoughts about not being good enough, or being a "monster" and a "*****" because I was no longer happy with you. I was holding onto the hope that we would be back to the way we were before my grandfather died. But after countless nights of feeling suicidal, I knew I had to cut you out. You were a toxic menace in my life.
Then one night, everything was going okay. You were in a good mood and I was trying to suppress my thoughts when you took my phone and found the message that led to the final downfall. I had never seen you like that before and it is still to this day the thing that haunts me. You parked in an empty parking lot and sat on the asphalt looking the opposite direction of my car. I got out and tried to explain it to you that I wasn't happy like I was and I was done. But the only thing I remember getting out was the word "toxic."
You know what happened after that. You yelled at me that I was a ***** and a monster and that you could finally **** yourself now that you no longer had me to live for. You have to think about how this made me feel. The way you leaned in while I was driving down a windy road in the pitch black, tears in my eyes, making it impossible to see and yelling profanities and whispering threatening things in my ear. I was terrified. I was convinced you were going to hit me. I wanted you to hit me. In my thoughts I pleaded for you to hit me and to end it all. At one point, the suicidal thoughts were so loud, that I almost crashed my car with you in it. But I couldn't do that with someone else in the car. If I could just get you out of the car...
When we finally reach Michael's and you weren't sorry at all about some of the mean things you said, I vowed I would never do this to myself again. I would never put myself in this situation again. I was done with you. But I couldn't tell you that without having another meltdown like that one. So when I left you at Michael's, I called Dempsey crying and told her everything. She then told my parents before I was going to that night. When I got home they told me they were sending me off to my mom's because they were done dealing with me. I cried and begged them to help me and get me out. And as you know, that's when dad called you.
That's the story. I just laid everything out for you and if you still don't understand then you're just blind to your abusive behavior. I think about you everyday and the terrible things you did. I just hope that you don't do this to somebody else. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
Hope this gives you the answers you were looking for.
