Ten thousand
Tabs of nothing
Opened in my brain
While I’m trying my hardest to
Stay sane
The walls vibrate around
Me
They mock me with their shake
Ten thousand tabs of
Nothing
My nerves about to break
It takes me down every
So often
It corrupts each thing I touch
Ten thousand tabs of nothing
Open
I wish I didn’t mind so much.
  
                                    -L.Frost

I don't have a personality
I have a diagnosis.
I am not 'very- '
I'm 'hyper- '
I'm not 'bad at'
I'm 'exhibiting dysfunction'.
I'm not forgetful
it's time blindness
I'm not clever
it's hyperfixation
I'm not active
it's stimming
I'm not shy
it's anxiety.
I have a cluster of conditions
balled up in my chest
instead of a heart.
I don't have a brain
I have a doctor's hand behind my eyes
navigating me through the world.
I'm empty without my suffering.

I hate myself for talking
I inevitably do
And I wonder if you’d been so mean
If you really knew

That I would cry for hours
Hate myself for days
Stare blankly into mirrors
Until my worn eyes glazed

That for years it would haunt me
I’d replay the words I said
Your disgusted look
Tattooed inside my head

That I’d lie awake at night
Clawing at my skin
Because I hated what I knew
Was lying deep within

And I wonder if you’d been so cruel
Had you truly known
What it’s like to live with autism
How it feels to sit alone

Disrupted.. my mind, let me think how it's done,
It's not that I'm not, unless I'm gone.
I know, yes I know.. and it slept once again,
This thought is so quirky, can't see nothing but pain.
It's muddy and sticky its all over this head,
A head that a long time ago has gone mad.
Im bouncing thru time and thru space and thru life,
They're trying to take off the blur, but it's never enough.
Those solid and smelly, oh people they are called,
Are trying to reach us, oh this game is so old.
For years, no. decades I'm swimming inside,
This poor little brain with this sick little mind.

Who?

Who would come lay their hand on me
in the thickness of my confusion;
The thickness of my Love.

Will you offer your Hand to me
in my fog
And when home is lost to me
Will you tell me where it is?

Will you salt the wound that needs to sting before
it begins to heal,
Will you salt my wounds for me?

O mystery; Who will you be?
Will you Taste me and spit me out,
for fear of keeping a lukewarm thing in your mouth,
Your mouth, Steady with change.

Will you know I too am steady with change,
Will you know I too am an eager student?
Will you keep me in your mouth,
the days I am not burning and delicious?

Will you forget me
Will you let go of my hand
And forget me in the fog