I am sorry for the way the words came out of my mouth.
Full of bitterness and agony.
I am sorry for the way they burned your skin as they fell into your ear.
I am sorry for the way they made your face crumble and eyes weep.
I am sorry for the way I rejoiced in the sorrow etched into the lines on your face
I am sorry I took joy in seeing the torment as my words took root
I am sorry that this is who I am after years of despair and turmoil
I am sorry that this is exactly what you deserve.

I’m sorry I make us late for everything.

I’m sorry that my inability to make decisions frustrates you.
I'm sorry that I constantly seem distracted and detached,
and that I never have any good suggestions
or anything genuinely interesting to say.
I’m sorry that my irrational questions annoy you -
It’s just that I always get caught in these loops of anxiety
that I can’t possibly find a way out of,
let alone explain to you.
I get stuck,
like a broken record, playing the same part of a song
over and over.
My mind convinces me that you’re displeased.
I’m sorry I can’t look you in the eye,
because I know I must have done something wrong.
I’m sorry I withdraw and fall silent.
I’m sorry I consistently expect more, but continue to give less.

I'm always nervous that you hate me
And I wouldn't blame you
And I try to calm down
But anxiety is my best friend
Who loves to pass me notes in class that say
"They hate you"
So strong so confident
Why wouldn't I believe them?
But if you do hate me you don't say it
If you're upset you never tell me
These are what I lay awake at night afraid of
Please don't leave me i love you
I tell myself to grow up and smile
But Anxiety loves to show up in my dreams
Nightmares
And I don't wanna bother you anymore than I already do
I love you please don't hate me

Let me invite you in
Open up show you everything 

Every regret that hits 

Tears apart my heart strings

Yeah let's begin

With this girl, I once met

Told her she was beautiful then and there 

Till I found out she had a boyfriend

That didn't stop me from trying to keep advancing

Got a little weakness 

For a pretty face

And I just wish to know

The way her kiss tastes

Eh I just wanna be that guy

That takes her breath away

Yeah Sharnie
Do you remember me?
Am I that regret that you met
That turned your life inside out
I remember the look when we first laid eyes
I remember those butterflies inside
Yeah, girl, you made me nervous
But we seemed to hit it off
Should have been the one to know
That I would ***** it up
Oh Sharnie
Do you remember me?

Do you remember the day
I drove you home
Yeah God was I nervous
I made you smile
yeah I made you laugh
With my silly little lines
And the expressions that I made
When I looked your way
Wish I ended that trip with a kiss
Yeah, girl, I regret it,
just wasn't sure if you were ready yet
Plus you had a boyfriend

Yeah Sharnie
Do you remember me?
Am I that regret that you met
That turned your life inside out
I remember the look when we first laid eyes
I remember those butterflies inside
Yeah, girl, you made me nervous
But we seemed to hit it off
Should have been the one to know
That I would ***** it up
Oh Sharnie
Do you remember me?

This is where it all went wrong
This is where I messed up
I remember the message you sent
After I ignored your calls
You told me how you were kicked out
And left in the cold hard rain
With no one to turn to, your trust I betrayed
And if that wasn't enough
I remember walking you out from work
your boy came into pick you up
yeah we met face to face
and when I walked off
he pushed you to the ground
and when I found out
I wanted to knock his lights out

Yeah Sharnie
Do you remember me?
Am I that regret that you met
That turned your life inside out
I remember the look when we first laid eyes
I remember those butterflies inside
Yeah, girl, you made me nervous
But we seemed to hit it off
Should have been the one to know
That I would ***** it up
Oh Sharnie
Do you remember me?

©2017 Written By Benji James

I was
Filled with you to the brim.
Every bone, every marrow
Every living part of me
buzzed with your existence.

I was
Consumed by your eyes,
your mouth.
By your teeth
that sank into my flesh
tearing skin, pulling me in.
Closer
And closer
Until I poured myself into you
becoming a river you could not withstand.
The crying roar
The churning waves
The liquorice tides
seeped through like cotton
soaking every part of you,
poisoning every ligament
rotting you from within.
I spent you bit by bit.

You are not to blame, darling
for leaving
i am
an endless river
and you
                                       should get far far away
June, 2016

sometimes i miss our friendship
and i miss the summers spent
playing volleyball in your backyard
with the boy from down the street
but then i stop and think
of how horrible you were to me
you weren't a real friend
you used me as a crutch during your suicidal days
yet i was alone and weeping over life
you hurt me emotionally
and to pretend like you cared
i'd receive gifts and plastic tears
with choreographed paragraphs filled with apologies
and i forgave you time and time again
it's days when i miss you, the happy you,
that i accept that the happy you isn't here anymore
and i stop missing you
because with you i forgot what friendship was
because without you i can sleep again
because with you i'm confined to only you
because without you i'm happy
and surrounded by people willing to teach me
what a real and healthy friendship is

February 1, 2014
11:42 PM

i really don’t know how much longer i can do this
you know, this whole ‘life’ thing
i’m barely living as it is
self-loathing day in and day out
i barely eat and when i do i just try to bring it back up
i rarely sleep and the only way my eyes can close
is when they’re swollen and puffy from the hysterical
tears i shed into my torn up pillow

i know for a fact that you can’t possibly
put up with me for much longer
one day you’ll be at the end of your rope
and you’ll use it to escape this
dysfunctional ‘life’ you’re sharing with me
so you don’t have to ever waste your time
thinking about me again
or ever have to waste your breath on me
to utter that three-worded lie:
"i love you"

i’m sorry for being me
i’m sorry for crying all the time
and for making you uncomfortable
with my constant tears and tantrums
i’m sorry for the scars on my arm that don’t fade
and for the mental ones in my mind that might not ever
i’m sorry for doing everything the wrong way
and i’m sorry you fell in love with me
you deserve a good life with a good woman
and you have neither with me in the picture
all i seem to be able to do is make you upset
or make you angry at yourself
please don’t hit yourself again, darling
i saw you that one time when you were in the shower
i know it’s hard being with me
but please don’t take it out on yourself

it’s my own fault i’m like this
and i don’t expect you to fix me
i’ve been broken far too many times
and for far too long
to ever be put back together again
i’m sorry for being difficult and unmanageable
but i can’t help but feel responsible for all your pain
i’m sorry i do this to you time and time again
i’m sorry i make you happy one day only to make you cry the next
i’m sorry i can’t be beautiful and happy like the other girls
i’m sorry for being sorry i know you hate that
i guess i just **** up so regularly that apologizing has become
the one (and only) thing i’m truly good at