I once held you so close, like a promise I vowed never to break, something I truly believed even time couldn’t steal. But now, all I feel is the silence stretching between us, and I can’t help but wonder what you’re really thinking. You say you just want to move on, like the love we shared was something disposable. Like I was just a passing moment, easily overwritten by something new. You’ll meet someone else, and he’ll get to see that look I used to dream was mine alone. Just the thought of it twists my gut. I know I won’t forget us, not really, but you’ve already turned our story into something you file away as the past. So I’ll laugh with the guys, play my games, maybe even mention your name like it doesn’t ache,but when the clock hits 3 am., I’ll be wide awake, haunted by questions I no longer have the right to ask. He’ll buy you a drink. You’ll smile, maybe even laugh like you used to at my jokes, and in that small act, I’ll start to disappear, washed away, bit by bit. I don’t think I could ever fill the space you left with someone else’s name. I can’t blame you for trying to move on. But, it hurts knowing you might be doing just fine while I’m still here, burning in the wreckage of what we used to be.

Real love doesn’t disappear, it settles. It sinks into the soft earth beneath our memories, nestling into the hidden folds of life where even time can’t quite reach. Silence may reshape it, soften its edges, but it never truly leaves. It lingers in a fleeting glance through a crowd, in a quiet song playing in an empty room, in dreams that stretch beyond the morning light. I know I have to go now, the lines have already been drawn across the stars. So I’m trying to follow them without questioning the path. Still, if the universe is kind, if fate forgets to lock the door, then maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance we could find our way back to each other.

Over my head
With the weight of your sharp words
I feel like Damocles
As the sword is slightly swinging.

Would it **** you to miss me,
When I disappear into a shroud of my own fear?

Sound echoes through galleys
Filling the silence between us
Like tethering the lines that we drew.

Just lead me to water,
Let the waves surround me
I wish to drown in the deep.

Over my head,
With all of your sharp words
I feel like Damocles.

Let the sword fall
And knight me, nightly
As the dark calls
And I whisper back in my dreams.

Let the waves come,
Swallow me under,
I am drowning again
Deeper in black depths.

It won’t **** you to miss me,
When I return to you again.

***** is what you are
***** is grunge under the nails
How your gritty tales told pail
In comparison to your dingy secrets
Infectious with your soiled lies
Excrement from bitter lips
Words that never did or ever will mean ****,
Exit from your waste-filled ships.

***** is what you are,
In this way, toxic barrels rot the frogs
Or how you irradiated touch melts minds,
A walking cancer cell, and everything you say is terminal
You’re what turtles suffer, plastic nooses
To hang your head upon loose laurels kept,
***** is all that you are.

***** is what you are,
It’s diesel exhaust exhausting to deal with you
Laborious and full of smog
All for the hope you could find an in
And in the end, gaslight me again.

***** is what you are,
Like toxic markers, or lead paint
And the more you color, the more I’m unimpressed
You are sadness incarnate,
You have bad habits by definition,
And the more you try to get close
I remind myself why I fly further away.

***** is what you are.

Under the dead oak
Where dead hands reach from the roots
To grab at my legs as I stare up
Into the pallid luminance of the goddess moon.

I wonder if my time should come,
Would I spill all my secrets?
Would these outstretched fingers be calling out to the stars
Receive me as my soul flew from the scars
And saw me off into the distant distance
Would heaven be so hard to achieve?

Well, I’ve spent all my years,
Coming back to this retreat,
Umbral canopies hide my escape
As I write for days about the last one
Because the last one I thought was the one
And in all these moments I’ve -
Grown to know that I’m
Not very certain of certainty, no.

I want to know before I go
Off into the ephemeral ether
Was I ever the one you chose?

As the curtains begin to fall
And the stage starts to fold,
May I find courage,
If I could be so bold,
Reaching the pallid luminance
With arms outstretched by the root
I’ve barked so loud at the moon.

Touched by the light of grace,
Hoping these limbs shape the form of your face
Could you be the one?

Tears that I’ve shed
Are written in books you have never read
I keep the ink warm so it bleeds the words
I have never said.

Too afraid to shed my skin,
These walls weren’t to keep you out
But to keep me in,
And all of my dark sides play violins
Mixed with guitar, a metal opera to see if I sin
But you’ll never know the secrets that I keep
In the gardens out back, where I bury them deep
Hope they grow limbs to cradle you in sleep.

Tears that I’ve shed,
Warm the cooler side of an empty bed
Maybe if I lay a little closer to the edge
I can feel the remnants of your skin.

How it feels to feel so lost
When the world stops spinning at the cost
Of never knowing what it was ever worth
Devalued in the palm of my hand,
You could sell me love, but all I have are pennies.

Words I could never speak
Leak from these shakes leaves
Whisper from the ink and breeze
Carrying my heart like a desperate plea,

Don’t you look me in the eyes
I cannot return to stone,
Once you’ve broken the curse
All I have is this home,
And I know I can never face you -
Without the weight of my pen.

Riddles on my face like a bad tattoo
I’m a maze that no one seems to get through
Amazed that everywhere I look, there’s a new you
But I remain, the bonded spine adhered with the glue
So turn around, or flip the pages
I hope it hurts you, like it hurts my face with
Tears that I’ve shed.

I hope you know
I write about you in books you’ll never read
It's like you were never real,
So tell me now, alone, inside your mind
How does it feel?

Your tongue makes a precise incision,
Words like a scalpel, cutting with precision,
Bypassing my systems like a jewel thief,
Grasping hold of my heart.

Are you a bard or a thief?
It’s hard to tell the difference—
When you play my strings like a guitar,
Out of mind, yet in tune with the violence.
Your eyes direct like storm clouds,
Twisting my image until it suits your need.

Just make a decision—
I’m exhausted with pretense,
Starving for substance,
Why is it that no one replaces what they take?

And if I were a bodega,
I’d stock only the finest farewells,
So you couldn’t buy happiness,
While pawning my world to the highest bidder.
You thought me caramel, but I tasted bitter,
Spoiled long before you spun a web.
I’m not dancing to your tune; the music is dead.

It’s hard watching something die,
And wither away.
Wondering if I could’ve changed,
Or was it fate?
But here we are,
Without the spark,
We once shared.
I’m letting out the guilt,
That I’ve built,
About a relationship that I can say,
Will never be repaired.

We used to click,
Now we don’t,
We used to talk,
Now we won’t.
I’d like to know where,
It all went wrong.
Was it me?
Was it you?
Was it going to happen all along?
If it was,
I wish,
I had been a better friend.
Then perhaps,
It would be,
A less painful end.

I start to question,
The foundation of our friendship,
If things broke apart so easily,
Without any indication.
Perhaps I misjudged the situation,
And ran off with unclear intentions,
I seem to do that best,
Unfortunately.

We’d known each other for years,
For it all to act like it was never there.
Did I make a mistake?
Did my expectations change?
Did I ruin everything?
Too afraid to ask,
So I’ll suffer in silence.

All of this confusion,
For something I don’t understand.
Some he said, she said, foolishness,
Was all that it took for our friendship to end?
And our friend group to shatter to pieces?
I thought we were close to each other,
That we care about one another,
I guess that was bitter delusion,
From a boy who was desperate for inclusion.

I never felt like I belonged,
We were always on,
Different wavelengths.
While you and the others would carry on,
I sat in silence,
Not knowing what to add,
Or what to say.
Questioning whether it would’ve mattered anyway.
I guess I was a fool.
I guess I shot myself in the foot,
So much that I can barely stand.
Never would I have dreamed,
That this was how things would end.

Was I too seclusive,
And too elusive?
Did I not listen enough?
Was I too much of a lonely punk?
Did I push you away?
Did I ruin everything?
Was I the reason things turned out this way,
Cause I changed?
Or was this preordained?
I know as we grow,
We change,
But why did it come so soon?
Last year we went to a movie,
A get-together I actually went to.
Yet, here I am now,
In the fallout,
Mourning what was broken down,
Surrounded by ashen-covered ground,
The smoke, all around.

Perhaps I’m just a fragile snowflake,
Lamenting on past mistakes,
That there’s no hope to change,
So why question it every day?
I can feel it fading,
And I know that I’m turning,
Into a stranger,
As the memories start growing hazier.
In ten years, I won’t remember your name,
And that’s what’s even stranger,
I thought we’d be friends for longer,
I guess that was wishful thinking.

Occasionally, we wave,
But we both know that’s not the same,
As the talks we’d have,
And the walks we walked together.
Now we’re both growing older,
As our chemistry starts reacting slower,
Till the entropy,
Fades into obscurity.
I wish I’d known sooner,
That things would turn out this way,
They’d be things I’d change.

So what’s left to say?
I’m standing at the graveside,
Crying and wondering,
What happened?
What madness,
Caused this?
I’ll put a bouquet,
On the grave,
And walk away,
As the days of our childhood fade.
Did I make the right choices?
Did I hurt you?
I’m sorry if I did,
I never meant to,
I just wanted to be your friend,
And I was for a time,
But that time’s passed,
Because nothing lasts.

I’m sorry,
And thank you,
For everything…

always the artist
hidden behind her canvas
never the muse
with a languid smile
always the composer
forever lost in false reverie
never the music
a song, a symphony
always easy to like
just for a while
never worth my price
in the transaction of respite
always the sacrifice
on the altar of lies
never the worshipped
devoted only to my light

I got so many feelings they leave me reeling, stealing second after second because I’m the first to leave and the last to go, too guarded to believe and too frozen to flow.

Words cut into thirds and still too long to belong but too short to be strong,

I’m not tough I’m all bluff and all guff  I know stuff but not enough
Hands cuffed and shoes scuffed I’m too rough easily rebuffed and left puffed

I hope one day I find a way to be alone and okay but for now my skies are gray even on sunny days and like the waves I know I’ll eternally return but for now I burn, endless fire and pain a pyre without rain burning forever, chains I cannot sever no matter how clever I spit my wit aint **** in the big mitt.

Held in the hands of the One but no lifeline comes so I feel like I’m being burned in the sun, taxed like earned income, vexed like an anti-vaxxer with a sneezing son, fried by having too much fun and lied to by myself as I lie down in the sun, shoulda used suncreen but my burned skin screams and my broken dreams teem around the edges of a vessel losing steam, engines down and shields almost depleted, if this is Star Trek than I’m a red shirt being yeeted, if it’s a contest I’m this close to defeated, a few feet more and I’m off the shore, swept away in the ocean and no potion can stop this downward motion more than gravity seized by the sea I see no light to swim toward so I get floored, and at the bottom I grab a shovel and start to dig, maybe if I lean in to my demise I’ll be able to fantasize that this was a choice, that I have a voice, that I’m more than another skeleton swallowed by time in the end, I got the bends I sank too fast and even if I try to rise again the nitrogen will do me in, so why the hell should I even try when I could just lie here lying to myself, another bottle off the shelf another twisted elf helping me help myself abandon wealth and fall into deprivation, depraved agitation with no sanitation, ***** not clean nice and mean like mice and men I’ve gone awfully awry and I’m not shy enough to hide my shame so in these words I confide, some part of me awake for the ride while the rest sleeps in the tide, hoping the waves take me home, soma holiday the only way I’ll feel okay, my soma and germ both squirm with the ancestral trauma I spurned until it churned into a calamity inside of me that consumes me in gloom and doom until there is no room to do anything else but retreat back to the waiting room womb.

I typed that in one breath but still death would not save me from myself, this is not a cry for help this is more like a review on yelp, my life review is five out of five in the shine and naught out of who cares when the rain lays me bare, and cold and alone my flashlight shone on white bone and rotting flesh, death so everpresent it’s like christmas every day oh yay I hope my sarcasm forces a giggle from a lip so that this eclipse lifts for the briefest second, a glimpse at the life I could have had but somehow missed, the mist covers my eyes, first second and third, and the bird’s eye view tells me I’m *******, but when I look from the floor, well that view ***** more, so I guess ******* less would mean success, but the report card is hard to care about when I carted out my art so long ago, I started out with eyes on the throne now I’d **** to throw myself a bone and feel like there was a hope I could atone or find a road to home.

Tones bring me joy, music from the noise, something I wish I could make but I feel deaf and dumb when I try so I numb myself with wine until I’m fine to eat off the vine that others planted, feeling like a waste of space I wish I could face my fears, face to the mirror without my eyes wide shut, but the feeling in my gut is like a rifle **** slammed by a soldier, the pain surges and smolders, aching shoulders make it hard to stand straight, grated down like cheddar I used to be better than this now I’m a sweater poorly knit, a useless *** and a hub of useless code that would erode the minds of better men if they let my poison seep in, so I keep myself at a distance, I witness, hide my mental fitness and put on airs to win the princess.

I’m sorry I stole your heart you should have never let it part from your chest because now I confess I come off like the best but I am cursed to sometimes be the worst, an endless thirst I cannot slake, relentless life I cannot take, smiles I no longer fake because the weight finally ground me down to nothing in the end, nothingness my final gift to lend I guess I’ll just make space until I finally find erasure, the sweet bliss of death’s kiss will launch me to the next great adventure, returned to sender, smart like Ender my heart was rendered fully now it’s rended dully, blunt knives hack apart ventricles that used to start a beat that moved my feet, but now like lead I feel less alive than dead, and hope for resurrection is my only real direction.

Someone give me sign. Help me climb. Remove my blinds. Remind me of the path to the divine.