to all my

gay,
lesbian,
bi,
pan,
ace,
trans,
queer,
questioning,
aro,
demi,
trans,
gender fluid,
non binary

family

i want to wish you all a happy june

whether you're in the closet,
or fully out and about,
or somewhere in the blurry middle,

know that you are loved
and i am proud of every single one of you

i am proud to say that i share a community
with so many beautiful, diverse, amazing people

i am proud of the strides we have made
and the people striving to make even more

this month,
just like every month,
i am proud of all of us

and i suppose,
that's what pride is all about

god and i heard you slamming doors and hitting walls.
i was made paralyzed with fear and worry of what's next to come.
i am only -- and the only "future" i see is looking down at my family and friends from the sky,
sitting on a cloud,
shining at night,
making it rain from my sadness of not being there anymore and the sadness woven into my existence.
i, moon, am not supposed to be happy.
everyone has proven that to me.
everyone has beat me, "loved" me, pushed me to the edge.
but i understand now,
yes,
i know now that i am not supposed to be here.
-- years of my life and all i got was signs that this was a
mistake.

I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.

I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided

“I’m bad at saying goodbye”
I am too
In a way
I’m bad at knowing how to leave a new friend
Wave or hug?
I don’t know what to do when you say goodbye and you continue to walk in the same direction
Simple things
Then it gets deeper
What do you do
When you make new friends
Only to have them leave again?
How do you say goodbye?
I dread the thought
Of this summer being over
Of goodbyes being said
Of these memories ending
What do you do
When your best friend grows up before you
Leaves for college and does great things
How do you say goodbye?
A hug doesn’t seem to be enough
Words don’t suffice
When these people you hold close
Are now only close in your heart
I don’t need to dwell on it now
I have two months for fun
Before goodbyes
Yeah
I’m bad at saying goodbye too