oh sweet heart, how long have we been apart?
how long has it been since I held you in my hands?
how long has it been since I gave you the love I so freely give to others?

oh dear strength, where did I go wrong?
melted down, like butter on toast...was I ever truly strong?

where is the line between anxiety and security?
once so defined, but now so smudged...could happiness perhaps spare a nudge?

oh sweet self, where have you gone?
buried so deep, but I know you're still there...

“Oh”
Two letters. One syllable. Packing more punch than an insect striking a windshield. At least in that scenario, the pain is momentary, release is instant.

But you. You said that simple word and the emptiness in the silence that followed was anything but. Because what it truly meant was disappointment. Confusion. Regret.

“I wish I would have known”
That’s why I was telling you now. Shouldn’t that have accounted for something? Shouldn’t you have seen it was hard for me to tell you that.

Falling asleep.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to know what was going on inside of your head because **** me, I liked you now and then that happened and now I felt uneasy of myself. Of my worth. All of it through the lens of you.

I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know what. Did I do something, or is it because of what I didn’t do? Just speak your truth to me.

“Sleep well”
With an emoji. Does that equate emotion? Or is it a filler for words you don’t know how to say, feelings you can’t convey, the way you’ll break my heart eventually but for now I should ‘sleep well’, sleep well.

Well it’s hard to sleep when the person you care about is the one keeping you awake at night. Do you even still care.

“Sweet dreams”
I say. But what I really mean is I miss you. Do you miss me? I miss your touch, your laugh, the way you slightly smile when you pull back from kissing me, the way you looked at me as you hovered above: that look of genuine desire. Was it all just physical?

Only time will tell. But in the meantime I hate the social constructs that tell me to play this game, to wait it out? To not look clingy? To not want someone. I hate it. But that’s the rules of the game.

So. Your move.

Poetry:
For me it used to be the release of all the things I was holding inside, but now I see it was really just a way for me to hide.
Hide from you, or him, or maybe even myself: put some words on some pages to silence the growing cries for help
I saw that you were beautiful, and I held on.
Maybe I tried to push you away, maybe I knew you wouldn’t stay,
Maybe it was me creating my own self destruction or maybe it was the way you craved my construction
My construction of you from the pieces I found, the pieces I found that had been laying on the ground

But maybe you were just beyond fixing and maybe I should have never picked up tools in the first place.

Open a document once again
Miss you once again
Want you once again
Cry once again.

I write page after page of my heart upon these pages
Of forgotten words and unspoken phrases
Its been months now but I still find myself missing you in moments when I wish to think of anything else
Everytime I get better, I fall back into reverse
You taught me to drive stick shift and you held my hand first
A kiss from you on my cheek thrilled me more than any on my lips
I forever wanted to feel you on my fingertips

Stop.
Shift into park.
God how I remember your soul as my favorite kind of art
You touched me in ways that when you left I fell apart
Clinging to our memories, I wished for a fresh start

But no matter how far we wander we seem to find our way back
For split moments in smiles or laughter, for a funny **** picture
Its as if you split open my heart and play my sadness like a movie feature
What did you do to turn me into this creature.

This creature who loves you but will never utter a word
This creature who will love you the way that she herself deserves.

It terrifies me to know that one day, you will simply be gone,
That you will walk out that door and that I will never hear from or see you again,
That the person who I stayed up with until 4 in the morning telling everything to is someone that I hope to one day pass on the street,
just to know that you're okay.

It scares me to know that our time is running short, because TIME doesn't stop for anyone, And with time, memories fade and with it will your face and I'm trying so hard to engrave it on my skin.
You.
My most beautiful sin.

Momma told me nothing good happens after two am and maybe she's been right all along because that is when I fell for you,
In the hours of the love affair between the moon and sun, existing together only momentarily before one is overrun,
like them we are meant to always reach for one another but never quite get there,
Because the universe is run by magic and we have none.

But I will always be willing to die every night as the moon does for the sun if it means seeing it bounce off your whiskey colored eyes I used to get drunk off of, one last time,
Because you looked at me the way no one else could, and I bared my soul to you more than I should've,
we were both the spark and the flame and then the wind lent a shout, matches aren't meant to burn forever and maybe that's why we burnt out.

Just know that I will always miss you,
That a part of my soul will forever be yours,
And I envy the lips that get to kiss you.

And as that door shuts, away you will walk to a place I may never stumble across and find,
So I will always remember those starry nights, when I was yours and you were mine.

Why is it that when you were thunder and I was lightening that I felt like we belonged together?
It was always just a game to you,
My heart and how I fell for what I thought was true,
I fell in love with you while the rest of the world slept,
I should've known that when the sun would rise away you would get,
So what is it that you would like to hear?
How loving you feels like you're stabbing my chest?
How when you smile at me it still feels like my lungs have lost any oxygen left?
How I will smile and make jokes and act like everything is fine,
When in reality, inside I beg and pray to hold myself in one piece,
Because that's how it is isn't it?
You always get to leave in peace while I'm left in pieces,
I didn't leave because I stopped loving you, I left because the longer I stayed, the less I loved myself,
You don't get to say our inside jokes and steal your secret glances,
You don't get to give me those smiles and be fine while inside I cry,
You don't get to leave me with always just enough to keep me holding on,
Because you pushed me over the edge,
You pushed the tears past my eyelids,
You pushed the gasps to breathe past my lips,
You pushed my heart to know what it's like to break,
You did that to the girl who loved you.