While flipping sheets this morning
Dust flying in sunlight
Thinking on the reason why
I have these words to write

I stumbled on a sudden thought
Blowing past the rest
Making my arms tremble
And an aching in my chest

I thought of what would happen
If you were not here today
If the blankets were all folded
And the hoodies put away

If the house was never settled
And my closet was all clean
If you had never joked about
The off brand coffee cream

If I never did the dishes
And I'd never seen your eyes
If we were only strangers
walking under sullen skies

If I was still a loner
And you were still alone
The hate from others vanished
No pictures on our phones

If all of me was searching, still,
For every part of you
I would never understand
I would have never knew

As I situate the pillows
Run my fingers down the side
And picture every memory
I never want to hide

I'm thankful for our minutes
For the happiness I've seen
The bottle pressure issues
And the change still in your jeans

The hugs on colder mornings
When I just want you to stay
The beauty of sunflowers
On an unsuspecting day

I've never felt and never loved
Like this in life before
I want to do your dishes  
And pick clothes up off the floor

To make your lunch for work
Play cars with your cute boy
Make dinner for our friends
And put away the toys

Because you make life worth it
adventurous, insane
I'll ride with you and die with you
While sideways, in our lane  :)

I am my fathers daughter.
I know this because he tells me every time he's drunk or every time I'm drunk
I think it started when my mother left
skipped town with the preacher
left me shaking in the bathroom holding my knees like a bad taste in my mouth
this is family
this is coming home or the lack of coming back
this is making toast for your mom when she's had too much wine and somehow ends up where it all began, in the apartment that was once hers but has since switched ownership
this house is not a home
without a mother
this house is not a home without the fathers daughter
we become glue for those who cannot become sober
we become wall, ball and chain, we become our fathers at such a young age we forget how to be anything besides drunk

Whitewashed walls
Spotless sinks
Air is still like a fear to speak.
Faultless floors
Gleaming glass
Shoes off at the door so to pass.
Absent animals
Dazzling decor
Thought begs "What is this place used for?"
Immaculate interior
Luminous light
But to where will my humanity hide?

My body is the paperweight of my soul.

There's a window in the wall,
It isn't wide, it isn't tall.
It's a space for you to see,
all the things you couldn't be.

But there's a door through the room,
and it's waiting just for you.
But only you hold the key,
just insert, and you will see.

I wish I knew the name
Of your perfume
So I may buy
For lovers new
So they may smell
Just like you.
I wish I knew the taste
Of your lips
The taste I shall seek
In every kiss
So I’ll never tell
What I miss.
I wish I knew the game
That you play
So I may try
To weave the pain
I won’t go through hell
Another day.