Listening to music,
eating a hot pocket
drinking coffee,
at 11 at night
messy bedroom,
needs cleaned
Notes for school need finished,
filled out on a wrinkled piece of paper
need to be up at six,
won't go to bed until three,
just scrolling hellopoetry
and having a normal night
eating hot pockets and drinking coffee
wondering why even if she tried,
she couldn't sleep
helping people with their problems
when she can't even help herself
she takes another sip of her coffee
and starts again,
waiting until six a.m
until the time she has to get dressed and leave,
socialize with human beings
try to learn something,
because knowledge is good,
but not learning anything because her mind is elsewhere,
poetry, self hate, daydreaming, anything
she takes the last bite of her hot pocket,
drinks her coffee,
and says
"I swear it doesn't get any better than this"
with a small chuckle.

Was going through my saved photos,
found the ones of you and me
the ones of me, you, your best friend, and someone I don't talk to anymore
and god ******* ****
I never knew I could miss someone so much as I do now
I don't know why,
just at the low point of remembering
someone I used to love,
an old best friend of mine,
and a girl I never talked to due to jealousy
It's funny how so much can change in two months.
I never thought,
that I'd get to this point
I'm a disgrace to myself,
I'm not supposed to care,
but when I find an old photo like this,
my heart breaks...

I'm like a bomb
a countdown
three, two, one
Now I'm exploded,
gone,
made into another one
Anger larger than my four foot nine frame
greener than my eyes with envy,
stuck in an never ending hole of self hate
please don't get near me,
I'm just ticking
I don't want to hurt you,
with the words I say
because I don't think.
I don't want you to hate me,
but if you talk to me,
that's what will happen
I'll just blow up your world...

Most people wouldn't say
that they found love
in a girl with red hair,
green eyes,
incredibly shy,
scared of food,
childish,
loves her music much too loud,
hates herself,
with an addiction to coffee,
cracked but not broken.

Most people wouldn't say
that they found a friend
in the girl with red hair,
even if she was trustworthy
she gives awful advice
has a bad way to approach things
and would prefer music and sleep
over people any day

Most people wouldn't say
that they found this girl interesting
pretty
talented
because she isn't
she's just another girl,
one with red hair and words to say
that no one will listen to,
and no one will confide in
no one will find
she's just going to be alone,
and she's okay with that.

She isn't about to blame them, because she wouldn't either.

I'm in such a slump
can't write
can't read
spend my days on youtube
blaring music too
smiling faces just pass me by
and I don't know what I'm doing.
Just waiting,
missing you,
being lonely,
wanting to put myself into action
but I can't find the strength in me to move
knowing I have no reason
to miss you
I convinced myself otherwise.
Music's too loud,
extremely hot showers
freezing cold
Whatever makes me not feel numb

I'm too nice,
in the cruelest way.
I know I'm only making you happy now,
and when you're happy without me,
i'll up and disappear out of your life.
No warning,
no explanation
You'll just be one less
A candle,
that I helped light,
then the match dropped away

Hello, 2015
We're going to become well acquainted
Me and you, we're going to bring some more change
even more than 2014
Goodbye 2014,
we're through

"You eat too much"
I've ate twice in the past week
and I've threw up the first time
I've lost 10 pounds
throughout the past few months
I only weigh 91 pounds now
It isn't my fault,
that I have to eat...
I've ate twice,
this week.
and I didn't finish either meal..
but yet I eat too much...
Here, just let me stop eating
maybe then you'll see
the thoughts inside my head
are enough for me

Am I fat? No, not really. Am I unhappy with my body? Yes. Am I ugly? I think so, but beauty is differentiated in everyone. Am I a good friend? I'd like to say so. Am I smart? I'd like to think so, but no. Am I talented? Hell no. Am I shy? Overbearingly. Am I annoying? Yeah, probably. Am I happy with myself and my personality? No. Should I be? Everyone should.

I'm the kind of person
who only stays around long enough to help someone
and to put them on their feet
and help them realize,
how good they can be
and when they leave,
I smile and I wave
because what I'm here to do
is help
and I know I'm going to be left in the dust
and that's alright by me.
As long as I can help you,
that's all I need

My life is a song
with a repetitive chorus
sang by a tone-deaf artist,
with no taste in lyrics.
Meaningless words
in an empty space,
just filling up the time
in between places.
My life is a song
with a meaningless chorus,
with words that don't mean a thing
to anyone but me.
My life is a song,
that will become someone's favorite,
my life is a song,
that someone hears every day.
My life is a song,
that I'm going to dance to.

A little bit ago,
I found a notebook.
And inside,
was notes from you,
the lyrics of your favorite song
sprawled out on a page,
written in blotchy black ink,
and a combination
of your messy but pretty hand,
and my sloppy one.
Random quotes from our time together,
staring at me.
Everyone asks me if I regret us,
and the answer is always no.
I'll never regret the times we had,
and I have let go.
Since then we've stayed friends,
and I wouldn't change a thing.
Just a little bit ago,
you messaged me.
Just a little bit ago.

Why is there a good
in goodbye?
Because there's always a reason behind one.
Everyone will ask you why,
and all you can say is babe,
you don't see things from my perspective.
I could leave,
but never without a reason
Don't hurt me,
don't use me,
don't bother me,
don't come to me crying at 1 a.m
because she isn't me
and I won't leave
there's plenty of reason
reason that you will never see,
because you can't see through my eyes
and I don't have to explain a **** thing to you
I'm not obligated
There's a reason there's a good in goodbye babe
you'll just never see them

Music.
One little thing
keeps a while society going.
Little people trying to find a home,
finding solace in the notes
that dance through their ears.
Lose yourself slowly;
find yourself faster.
Music is a home.
A home for the broken,
A home for the happy.
A home for the scared,
A home for the fearless.
A home for I,
a place I'll never leave.
Music,
What awaits me in my heaven;
and keeps me going through my hell.

You say you’re here
You’re not, not at all
You’re falling apart
Desk against the wall
Screeching as you plop down
Your hand raised as your name is called
You look like you’re about to fall
A face missing all emotion
Hands with profoundly visible veins
Tired eyes,
a deceitful smile
Asked if you’re okay,
you reply with a simple “I’m fine”
And maybe you are
Maybe you just stayed up a little too late
Pushed a little too far
Maybe you’re hurting,
Maybe no one knows
Maybe it’s your secret
Kept behind closed doors

Don’t mind me. I’m just your heart, seeing things your eyes never could.
I’m just your eyes, gazing into blank space, tears threating to spill over.
I’m just your hands, shaking at your thoughts.
I’m just your face, devoid of all emotion.
I’m just your mouth, pretending to be happy, twitching as I smile.
I’m just your heart, slowly disintegrating and falling apart.
I’m just your soul, spiraling deeper into nothingness.
I’m just your mind, pushing you farther away from all you’ve ever wanted.
I’m just your stomach, craving food you don’t want.
I’m just your dreams, giving you peace of mind for a little while.
Don’t mind me, I’m the songs you love.
I’m the food you love.
I’m the drinks you drink.
I’m the one who loves you unconditionally.
I’m your honest moments.
I’m your vulnerability.
I’m the one you love with all your heart.
I’m the moon you look at through the night.
I’m the poetry you write, the words you say.
You are what you love, not what’s wrong with you.
You are the love in your heart.

Things are going to change
for the better
I can't keep going on with friends that only hurt me
and grades continuously dropping
I'm going to try so much harder
in everything I do
and not just lay in bed
all day
wondering what's wrong with me
I'm going to try to get better
and hopefully,
I'll do.

So tired of fighting
every night
having my music on high
just trying to get through the night
wrapped up in a blanket
eight times my size
So tired of almost losing you
every night
it's like we're singing the same tune
over and over.
So tired of being told I told you so
by everyone who ever said you were bad for me
So tired of being called stubborn
for wanting to find out myself
what you were like
So tired of being in this state
every night
So tired of getting ******
at every little thing.
So tired of your jealousy,
that has no place.
So tired of being told not to talk to any of my friends,
because you're scared to lose me
but the words you say late at night
when sleep is avoiding you
and your actions mean anything but
So tired of arguing every night,
with my music up so high.

Why the hell am I crying now,
everything is going so well.
So why do I have tears streaming down my face,
when I know I shouldn't?
Why do random bouts of self hate hit me,
at 12:25 am
when I should be asleep,
In bed?
After a full day of it pounding down
it decides to visit some more,
at the worst times
as I thought I was getting better,
at 12:25 am
hours before I should be awakened.

I know it's hard,
I can just imagine your green eyes
puffy and red,
tears streaming down.
I don't know what to say,
but I hope you'll be okay.
I know it's hard,
but it's a part of life,
it's going to happen eventually
to all of us.
You mean the world to me
and it hurts me to see you this upset
I hate hearing you cry.
I hate knowing you are.
I hate that you aren't happy.
I know it's hard,
and one day,
maybe not soon,
you'll go on.
You'll move on and forget.
I promise,
I've been there.
It's hard, I know,
but to reach happiness,
you have to chase that ****** down and catch it
in your hands.

Silence
A beautiful word
but yet such an empty meaning
Usually it means you're alone
which is an empty feeling
I drown myself in silence
it's so heavy and thick.
It smothers you,
and you can't breathe.