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CNM Oct 2017
I keep losing touch, the taste of blood in my mouth, I've lost my crutch. everything i do is now half hearted, ever since we just wanted to be alone, everywhere I go I smell your cologne, riding the bus on my own, I don't feel at lungs are full of tar, I fantasize about crashing my car, I wouldn't get too far....I feel cold inside, you can see and feel it in my stride, a part of me has died.....
CNM Sep 2019
I began my life in this house when I was only 4 years old
Just barely old enough to remember painting the walls space blue, adding the constellations to my new world
Just barely old enough to remember my brother and I fighting over the top bunk
That ended up giving me nose bleeds from the ceiling heat
As I grew I can remember our 12 inch TV
I can remember watching Jurassic Park on VHS practically religiously
I recall nightmares, and sneaky late nights watching Cartoon Network in near silence.

I was in middle school, and no longer wanted to share my room with my older brother
My parents, unable to afford a bigger house with more than but two bedrooms, created a nook for my now grown brother to live in, with nothing but make-shift walls
Leaving me alone in this room I'd grown up in
I remember being unable to sleep that first night by myself, even if my brother had been right across the house.

I was in highschool and I started having boys and friends over
I started receiving noise warnings late at night from my overworked and underpaid parents after a bout of laughter

I started becoming depressed.
My room, still painted space blue became a black hole
As I laid in my bed all night long, never once blinking
Never once flinching against the pain eating away at my stomach like a parasite
Until it became nearly impossible to bare any longer.

I started seeing my therapist and she saved the life of an afraid 15 year old
The posters in my room turned into images of bands from generation's passed
The blood washed away and I could sleep in my bed again.

I was 16 years old and infatuated with a boy until he touched me the wrong way
And it stained my childhood bed, once the bottom bunk
Which quickly went from a twin to an untouched queen.

I was 18 years old and afraid of living within these four walls my whole life.
The space blue paint taunted me every time I stepped through the old splintery door
My best friend and I painted the walls the color of sunshine in one night in hopes to erase the bad dreams and even worse realities lived here.

I am 20 years old and in a few days I am moving into a new room, into a new home of my own
Away from the warm bathtub that held me when I was ill.
Away from my loving mother who ran her finger through my hair as I cried.
Away from my father and his drunken snores every night in front of a silent television.
Away from my brother and his passionate new discoveries often shared with me.
Away from the stove that helped me create comforting meals that nourished my body for 16 years.

And I am afraid.
CNM Dec 2016
You told me she needed to be picked up and I nodded and said okay but i felt this heat in my face this tingling in my head and it wasn't because of the summer's sun. She gets in the car and her perfume fills my nostrils it fills my lungs it fills my stomach i want to spit it out. I turned the radio on loud enough so i couldn't hear you talking ***** to me anymore. I became more dizzy and more squinty eyed the longer you were there. Felt like i wasn't safe anywhere i went, an open target in a shooting range. You mention that night and laugh it off as if it didn't hurt me. As if it didn't rip off my skin as if it didn't pull out my hair as if it didn't slap me across the face every ******* night. My body turns into a malfunctioning machine in a factory, repair men are afraid of the oddity they are afraid I might explode. A broken record i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry my eyes had fallen to the floor my hands shaking my knuckles cracking. "She ***** me".
CNM Aug 2018
Lately I've been driving in my car by myself
The night sky reflecting off the empty streets
That I convince myself belong to me
Until the lights of another car remind me that everything is shared
And I'm moving in montages, in sequences as the lazy strums of a guitar match my existing beat
And I know where I'm going, the path opens up to me each turn I take
But I have no idea what I'll do when I reach my dark, quiet home
Full of people, yet I'm the only one awake, in this reality that feels just as far away as their dreams
I'm alone in my shower when it warms my skin and melts the ways I tried to distract myself today
A heavy comfort I cannot fully accept within my melancholy
I walk into my hollow room, becoming the only life inside
I begin to search for the meaning of Narcissism
But stop myself because I know a picture of you would appear
Like the one in my journal with your eyes crossed out
And they say eyes are the window to the soul
But those are not windows
Those are prison cells
CNM Nov 2017
I walk the halls of my empty house in the winter with no socks on. Just my toes against the freezing hardwood. I come across my dog and pet him with tears in my eyes willing him to understand what I'm going through somehow/I know I'm really on my own. I sit on the couch and stare at black screen in front of me. I start to shiver/ I wish for one of the silent intimate moments when you'd wrap a blanket around my shoulders, you could tell I was cold. I used to fall asleep in your bed by your side and wake up to the light tapping of your fingers on the keyboard/now I wake up to darkness inside and out. I convince myself the blankets are your body up against mine/I only make myself insane with solitude. You leave my books on my porch without saying a word, I search through all the pages looking for a goodbye note/you are just a ghost to me now.
CNM Sep 2018
I call you and he answers
And I can't find you in all of the darkened rooms in this house
But I need to feel that you're breathing
That you are still existing with me
And that you have a bed and home to embrace you when I can't
The thought of you losing this makes me feel a failure
If I could I would become your blankets
I would become floorboards and dry wall
And a roof to keep you dry
But I'm just a lucky little girl
With only enough to keep herself warm

I never feel like eating again I never feel like indulging again
Yet in the morning I'll have to wake up and smile again
And my past keeps catching up to me and stepping on my heels
Until I'm barefoot tearing up my feet on the concrete
Until it hurts to run away

I'm a broken record telling you it'll be okay, it'll be okay
When my feet are covered in blood
And I can't even stand on my own
CNM Aug 2019
I boil and bubble over my clothes like steam over a cauldron
Cooking up a dreadful brew
At times unaware,  at times I am still in the body of a 16 year old
At war with her mind and body
Bones almost audibly creaking with each gust of wind
And although the world wasn’t kind to me all of those years ago
And although I wasn’t kind to me
And although older boys snarled their teeth at my protruding rib cages and hip bones hungry for a snack
I’d do anything
To get my body back

And boy, if they didn’t gnaw away at my skin and flesh
I may have been left with my beautifully rigid shell
But my insides are spilling out in soft rolls
Reflections making my head spin, the spinning of the clock, the new looseness of my exterior, my own hell
Maybe if I could do a spell I could tell the goddess how my body once fell at the hands of the Devil and it began to swell like a balloon and I’m waiting for it to pop
I’m waiting for it stop
And hopefully then
I will no longer dwell
On how much I hate a body
That holds me so well
CNM Jul 2019
Weeks rolling in and out of bed, eventually the blankets become rough
But under them I remain, my skin rubbing off in sheets
And pillows stained with drool and ash and milky tears
The bed sticks to me, engulfs me
As if i were to leave, i'd leave pieces of me
Like a decomposed corpse
Left hidden in an abandoned home
With no one to find me full of maggots
With no one to clean me up
And put me neatly in a wooden box
So I can finally rest
CNM May 2016
His only talent is leaving without warning
Only god knows where he could possibly be
His favorite activity is drinking into a wakeless sleep
His secrets are twirling in smoke and piles of pills
His disregard and spite are the only memories I keep
My father is not a happy man.
Nothing can change that, not even my mother can.
CNM Sep 2019
A tablet that is first sweet dissolves on my tongue in hopes that it relieves the feeling of stomach bile rising to my throat.
And as I step into the shower, drool dribbling down my slack chin, it leaves a bitter, almost intolerable taste in my mouth.
My head against the shower wall I’m unable to even wash my own body tonight, the thought of moving my arms to grab the body wash is insurmountable.
Catatonic, my pain turns me into a vegetable, only able to speak few words at a time like a toddler who has just learned to talk.
Afraid of the fluorescent lights as I sit on a thin piece of paper
All for a man in a white coat to prescribe me another pill to create a new sickness in me.
Sleep no longer an escape, for when I wake the stiffness pounds away mercilessly against my skull even more so, like a construction worker with a jack hammer tearing apart pieces of cement.
My skull is splitting in two day by day by day until it can no longer contain me
Maybe then I will find relief
I can only hope so.
CNM May 2019
his eyes provide a path to a prettier place
a place that has always been beyond my reach
i'm tired of the dark that blinds my eyes
i'm tired of the familiar pavement and machinery
in his eyes nothing is orchestrated
beauty that happens on accident
a beauty I've neither contained or obtained
there is no darkness under his eyes
only warmth, as if he had just woken up from a nap
and is still wrapped in blankets and pillows
i'm wrapped in someone else yet I still feel alone
i still feel cold
and this room is still dark
i can't find my way out
no one else will help me.
CNM Sep 2017
the woman who laid and cried in front of you that day
is not the same woman I am today
I don't cry for you
Like you thought I would
I don't feel the way you think I do
I only think of you and I
As a long term mistake
So no, I don't cry
Instead I strive
I drive in my car by myself
I read all of the books on my shelf
I feel the wind blow through my hair
Sitting in the grass on my own
For you, I no longer care.
CNM Aug 2018
physically sick
feeling like i'd love to break out of this physical shell
digging drilling further further into my brain
into nauseating omniscience
impersonal detachment
from my own self that I thought I knew so well
until faced with insurmountable complexity
and a sadistic torturous mind

i've spent days falling in and out of sleep
no sunlight
except what comes through the windows of my childhood bedroom
maybe if I dream enough he will cease to exist

I close my eyes
And as I look up he is everywhere I look
he is everything I see
standing staring back at me
the stare like needles to my eyes
I try to look away
but I forget to not look up in only a moment
and there he is again

and again

maybe if I cease to exist he will too
CNM Dec 2019
Walking through the quiet halls I see a silhouette of what could be
And of what used to be
There are no blankets to pull over us
But I lay here tangled in cotton and plush
in this darkness of your absence
A few footsteps
A few miles away from me
Feels like the longest of journeys
With my heart racing and my palms growing warm
I wish I could put this to rest
I haven't slept in a while
But I will still turn off the lights for you.
CNM Nov 2016
With just one look, just one touch
Oh boy I can make you fall in love
Doll eyes and fluttering lashes
I really don't care for you much
I'm just trying to get a good ****
Alone in your room, you're in luck
Soon I'll leave and you'll fall like a pile of ashes

Mysticism, i find my way into your brain
The thought of me drives you insane
I don't think of you at all
And thats what makes you fall
Ill fake interest so well
There's no way you could ever tell

Spoil me
Soil me
Sure, go ahead and stare
Use me all up
See if I care
CNM Jul 2020
There are people being killed in the streets
And in hot, understaffed kitchens, I am working
I am working until my body fails me
And as I fall into my dreams when I get home
Gunshots, screams and cries echo in circles
And my dreams are full of bloodied bodies
And even in my dreams I am powerless
Even in my own life I am powerless
Controlled by the need for a mere couple hundred of dollars
To feed those dear to me
As monsters bare their teeth
and spew their deadly germs all over my sweaty, exhausted body
I am paid just barely enough to buy myself a meal.
There are people being killed in the streets
Their are people dying in hospitals their families can’t afford
Hospitals that I couldn’t afford
And I am cooking food for those who can afford to eat out
I shouldn’t be feeling the burn of a hot oven on my skin
I should be feeling the burn of a hot sun on my skin
As I take to the streets
As I fight for those who are hurting
Hurting more than I can even fathom, more than I can even imagine.
It is almost the Fourth of July
And people are being killed in the streets
And I don’t even have time to cry
And as people celebrate with lights and loud bangs in the sky
People will be fearing for their lives
And children will be without their parents
And parents will be without their children
And as I grieve today
I have to wipe away my tears
I have to pull my hair away from my face
I have to put on a name tag and an apron
While people are being killed in the streets.
CNM Sep 2018
after him
i became
a sick ghost
passing through time
hardly making a sound
afraid of being discovered
by an exorcist full of spite
I used to be made of flesh and blood
Until he made me bleed out
And ***** out all my insides
CNM Jul 2017
That night when I realized
The way you haunt her
You're lucky I didn't punch your teeth in
So you could no longer lie through them
Your snake tongue will always draw her back in
Until I bury you deep
For good
In my arms she's a ray of light from heaven
Illuminating my life, my love
Until I see the bites all over her body
You've convinced her again and again
To take the abuse
But little do you know that I'm her guardian angel
Ready to dig your grave whenever you strike.
CNM Dec 2019
You rubbed the blood on my tiny hands
When I was only a child
You hammered the nails into my subconscious
And drowned my head with thoughts of sin and sorrow
And I was only a child
Fearful of what or who may be watching me
Fearful of what or who may be judging me
Until I cowered under my baby blankets hoping to disappear
Yet I have to thank you
Yet I’m supposed to love you
Even though I know you talk to God
And I know he tells you not to love me
But Happy Holidays and
The warmest of regards
CNM Nov 2017
Stay open stay open stay open
Like my bedroom window on winter nights
The cold is bittersweet, when you smell the air
But after a while I begin to shake
My fingers cold as ice
Lungs strain to hold breath
Clouds erupt from my mouth
My room fills with snow
But only if I close it,
If I close it maybe I would be okay
But it never really made the cold go away
CNM Dec 2018
Like a boomerang I stray
Only to come back here against my will
With the walls painted and cracked
Soon we will brush over the artifacts
Just like the streets that have been repaved
The once spotless driveways
Overgrown with moss
Gardens once tended to
Now infested with weeds

But I suppose
that weeds must
live and grow
just as flowers must.
CNM Feb 2018
You are a warm home with the front door wide open
I walk through the entryway and a whirling scent
Of something from when I was child but I could not quite pinpoint
It led me through the carpeted living room with the curtains drawn
To the bedroom with disheveled sheets and blankets
Made of angel soft hair and cupid’s kisses

I melt into the ocean foam mattress
And it embraces me as a mother who misses her child
As I drift away with the stripes of sun gently kissing my face
I realize that in this house I am not alone

The walls move with your breath
The clocks tick with your heart beat
The warmth is your blood
And the scent is your skin

I walk into the bathroom and a cloud of steam welcomes me
And  pulls me into the bath
And I am soaking in it like a cauldron
Like a witches’ love potion
Seeping through my pores

Until my arms my legs my back
Sink in to the ceramic of the tub
And spread across the walls
And now

The walls move with our breath
The clocks tick with our heart beat
The warmth is our blood
And this house

This house is our love.
CNM Oct 2018
I am still angry. My therapist said its okay to still be angry, that I reserve the right to be. I never learned how to feel anger the right way...I only become reminded of my father slamming the front door and the soft sobs as my mother begs him to calm down. Anger is often justified, but where the **** do I put it? I am not my father. Even though I'd like to I can't scream at you and I can't slam a door on what you did to me. Even though I'd like to I can't go back and stop your hand from hitting me across the face, I can't kick and scream until you got off of me. You're not my father but you were so much worse. You never showed anger, you only pinned me down with your words, and with your disgustingly muscular arms. You left me crying quietly in your bathroom while I try to cover up what you had done to me. You made me never want to leave because you were the world, and I'd be dead without the world. Well, I didn't die. I became addicted to the rattling of a pill canister and I shed the weight you put on me in only a few weeks. But you left me kicking and screaming inside. And I am still angry.
CNM Feb 2018
Take a drink everytime you find yourself absentmindedly hurting yourself (stop itching your scalp it isnt itchy blood its bleeding)
Take a drink everytime you can't get out of bed
Take a drink everytime you consider suicide (wouldn't be this tired anymore sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep)
Take a drink everytime you eat too much
Take a drink everytime you eat too little (I can see my ribs again bones bones bones bones bones)
Take a drink everytime you become unhealthily attached to someone
Take a drink everytime you feel alone (my friends don't seem to call anymore forgotten forgotten forgotten)
Take a drink everytime you isolate yourself from your friends
Take a drink everytime you hate your body (Its only flesh after all skin and bones bones and skin)
Take a drink everytime you compare yourself to your father
Take a drink everytime you can't turn off traumatic past experiences (when will they stop playing re-runs this show makes me sick get off of me get off of me get off)
Take a drink everytime you really are becoming your father
Take a drink everytime you blame yourself for not saying "no" or "stop" (he wouldn't have listened anyway too weak too weak too weak weak)
Take a drink everytime you forget to shower
Take a drink everytime you remember your ex too fondly (I am not your toy anymore I exist exist I do)
Take a drink everytime you acquire unhealthy coping mechanisms
Take a drink everytime you bottle things up (my therapist doesn't need to know how traumatized I am dont touch me dont touch me dont touch me dont)
Take a drink everytime you sleep the day away
Take a drink everytime something little sets you off (you just spilled some water, relax water water waterwater)
Take a drink everytime someone uses you to their advantage
Take a drink everytime you consider quitting your job (who needs money when you can be dead dead dead dead dead)
Take a drink everytime you consider dropping out of college
Take a drink everytime you get false hope that you'll get better (it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back it always ******* comes back)
trigger warning
CNM May 2017
My body aches and writhes in my bed
A demon under my skin hurts me
Suicidal thoughts enter my head
Why does pain visit me every day
In every possible way
Why does it make me want to inflict more
My poor hips are so very sore
Silent screams escape from my heart
This feeling is tearing me apart
I have been weakened
All of the way down to my core
Chronic illness haunts my waking life
CNM Dec 2017
You're my dream come true that much is clear
When I'm with you there's no fear
So let's kiss in your bed till we die
Let's laugh even though we feel like we could cry
I want to see you
Every part of you
There's nothing you could ever do
To keep me away
Maybe someday
I'll become your mirror and
Maybe you'll see yourself clearer
As the gentle, soft light
That makes my life bright
Even when the winter
Overwhelms me with the darkness of night
CNM Jun 2018
It hurt worse than I thought, and it's odd realizing this after a whole year has passed
You leaving hurt for a fleeting minute, you entering my life is a dull pulsating pain
Wishing I could have met him before I met you
Wishing you didn't have to have hurt me everyday
So that I can love him so much more fully
So that there's no more nausea
And vomiting of consistent episodic assaults on repeat
There are things I cannot even share under a pseudonym
Things darker than any night time, darker than any horror imaginable
Turning like a wheel with a knife, stabbing me every time you pass by
He has no wheel, he has no knife, but I can still feel your wounds

A jackhammer in my brain engrains the filth in my memory
Sometimes he can take it away
Sometimes he can kiss it all away
But sometimes I'm alone in my own bile and venom
Praying I don't choke or die
Even though apart of me would much prefer it to the pain
Because of you I would like to die
Because of him I could never leave this Earth.
my ex boyfriend held me prisoner
my lover has set me free more than I could have imagined
CNM Sep 2017
I only exist when I'm around you
You leave me on my own
I fade into dust
CNM Aug 2016
Images were created in my head by you
Things ive been wanting to do
Baby dont you know im taken
By all the whispers who say no
Sorry baby feelin like i gotta go
So i can daydream the rest of the day
Scared of the debt ill have to pay
My blood pressure’s rising
Time’s just flying by
But hey thats not surprising
Shockwaves flow through me
And you just smile
I want it on mine
But i couldnt handle the exile
Baby just wait a little while
CNM Nov 2018
I know you don't believe me
When I tell you that I will fight for you endlessly
I will always give you whatever you need
All you have to do is let me
I will knock down your barriers
I will fight your insecurities
Your personal warrior
You just have to let me
I will give you every last cent I have
If it means your head stays dry from the rain
I will buy your every meal
If it means your body is nourished
And I will tear apart
Limb by limb
Those who see you as lesser
Than their own disgusting selves
Just let me help you
Stay alive
So that I
Can stay alive
I love you
Im sorry
CNM Jun 2019
Usually I can write some stupid poetic ******* that dances around what you did to me and what I'd like to do to you
This did not make me better person
This did not help me grow
Reverting backwards and I did not come out unscathed
In fact, I'm still covered with your sins
They follow me every waking moment of my nightmare of a ******* life
I would've sacrificed myself if I could
You should have taken me and only me to satisfy your cannibalistic tendencies
but now I'm losing count of the amount of innocence lost
And its been almost three whole ******* god forsaken years
Yet everyday I find out more, keeping a file on you and the atrocities committed
A timeline in mind that plays over and over again, everytime filling in another blank
Everytime becoming fuller of rage than the day before
I'm taking the knife back.
CNM May 2016
Her skin is soft, her voice smooth
Oh god...I've been touched by an angel
She glows white, her face shines
Her eyes have hypnotized mine
She makes my mind clouded like her bedroom
Oh god...she moves like a queen
Her laughs like gentle raindrops on concrete
Her lips look like heaven, but I'm trapped in hell
About an ex
CNM Sep 2016
Her magic twirls in circles around her head
Her aura is worn like a dress , like a ball gown
Her scent rolled around for hours in my bed
Her eyes are so kind, could never bring me down
Her arms are mystic her dust rubs off on my skin
Her fingertips twinkle, they are dipped in joy
Her delicate lips never fail to make my head spin
Her love could never be given to me by a boy
Her touch makes my mind scream like a tea kettle
Her hands linger when time no longer exists
Her lips leave a tingle where ever she has kissed.

She spins and I can see every angle of bliss
She digs in the deepest crevices and lays there
She leaves me mystified with her good bye kiss
She blushes, “I’m sorry, I can’t help but stare”
She enters my brain and cleans all the mess
She lies before me all mystery bared
She carries her past lives in her back pocket
She carries my heart around her neck like a locket
CNM Jun 2017
i have spent a lot of time with myself lately
it is okay to lay in bed all day
it is okay to cry when you don't know what to do
i have realized that not everything can always be spotless
like my ocd likes it
it is okay to throw up in the shower
it is okay to smell like a human being
it is okay to miss people who've gone away
i have somethings i need to feel
like how you left me lonely
it is okay to forget on purpose
it is okay to remember on accident
it is okay to smoke a little too much
it is okay to feel spiteful
it is okay to think of her fondly
it is okay to hope she turns out alright
it is okay to stay up all night
it is okay to bury myself in someone new
it is okay to make new memories
it is okay to hurt
it is okay to laugh
it is okay to cry
it is okay to love again.
CNM Sep 2018
I felt the wind blowing through your bones that December
I wiped up your blood from the floors and wrapped your wounds
Tightness in my eyes and throat made me hold you tighter
Only one blanket on your mattress on the floor of your apartment
I would have died without your warmth
You would have died without my worry
Not much to our names despite the mountain of comfort between us both
Feet bleeding and exhausted
I could sleep anywhere if it was in your arms
Even without a single blanket
Without a single pillow
How could I need anything more
When the universe put everything
We could ever need
Into each other
This is dumb but im in love
CNM Nov 2016
Are you ready to lose your head?
It will dissolve on your tongue
No need for your bed
You will be awake all night instead
But do not fear we will have great fun
The room might become the ocean
Drink it up, a special potion
Eyes so wide so you don't miss a glimpse
Friends flying around your head like nymphs
Lose your clothes, you're in your purest form
Break fully away from the norm
You'll pass through time like a bug in a hurricane
The whole universe spinning around in your brain
Kiss the world on the face
You're lucky to be in this place
CNM Feb 2019
I was compromising with soul murderers
While planning how they will end
I wrote letters and messages that I could never send
I was waging an invisible war
And I don't seem to get held much anymore
The snares pound at the inside my skull
And I only poison these hammers
As an attempt to feel full
But it is hard to live when the sun burns through your head
When every move feels like a needle missing the thread
When all I want to do is be your shield
Maybe then I could feel your body against mine again
But I understand that you're not fully healed
I think I am selfish for feeling far away
But I know you could never lead me astray
So for every today, I will always stay.
I'll love u always
CNM Dec 2019
This new room does not hold me like the old one once did
Lacking the cracks in the walls to count and memorize
And the old children's stickers peeling up at the corners on the baseboards
But it's mine, and I'm on my own just like I've always wanted
A cupboard, a fridge full
Yet all of the food rots away like my insides
As I'm laying in bed at night
Fluttering my lids at every sound
At every footstep
Of a reminiscent spirit that clenches at my chest and pulls me back into this godforsaken bed
Where I grasp aimlessly at dreams out of reach
No longer dreading waking before the sun rises for work
But relieved to leave the heaviness these blankets.
People say I look good, I seem like I have my energy back
Did you lose some weight?
And words come pouring out of my mouth so quickly they trip over each other desperately
(I am desperate)
And I lie
I tell my mom, I'm sorry I've been so busy
When I haven't left this house leisurely in weeks
And she can clearly see the dark concaves under my eyes.
My mom gifts me food to take home
And I have to deny
Knowing I'll be unable to eat it
Unable to fill this body so hollow
And now so frail.
CNM Nov 2018
once you fed me a magic fungus
you wove me a hat
to keep me warm from the cold
we walked outside
the night twinkling
holding hands melding into the earth
melding into each other
we came home
you breathed into my hands
and as you ran me a bath
I saw the violence in myself
the red lines down my legs
a reminder
of how i'd been hurt
and you understood
holding me in the hot water
we boiled with our tears
into a healing broth full of hope

i was so young before
so hurt
nothing's changed except
you dont feel here anymore
you feel as far as your new home
even when you're directly beside me
our entire lives by each other's side
only to be torn apart
left to my own devices
i feel you missing everyday
but not the you that sleeps in a tiny town
the you that slept next to me
when I thought nothing could take you away from me.
CNM Dec 2019
I don’t want to crave the harshness in the back of my throat anymore
I want to dance in the rain with you
Even if I lose my breath
Even if my hair gets wet
I want the world to become a little brighter
So I can see clearer just for a little while
Even in the middle of the darkest of months
And maybe my head wont hang as low
And maybe my neck will no longer ache
And maybe my body will feel a freedom and clarity I haven’t felt since I was a child
Even in the middle of the darkest of days.
CNM Aug 2017
One summer night
warmth of the moon on my face
glitter from stars above my head
One summer night
laying naked in my bed
magic seeps from my pores and creates light
One summer night
on the streets that flicker with power
its twenty past four
I'm breathing in flower
until this night is no more
CNM Aug 2019
i want to fill everyone's cups
but i cannot accept any return of the favor
a pitcher only half way full
accidentally spilling more and more
tripping over people along the way
to being empty
CNM Aug 2019
It is a sunny day in this new world
The sun covers me and the fluorescent green of grass
Perfectly trimmed, perfectly tickling my bare legs
Into focus is the sound of boys speaking
And the outlines of bodies sitting beside me fade in and out
These are my friends, I think
And I'm suddenly very aware that they are boys
And I am not.
As many get up to leave, I'm not sure why I don't follow
Laying on my side I feel as if I could sleep within this dream
Within the warmth of this star
As I realize the presence of someone behind me
Strangers hands all over my body
A faceless perpetrator
Re-enacting the emission of a very specific kind of disgust
I've found often in my waking life
Rubbing this slime that oozes from his hands
All over my unwilling body
This time I try to yell Stop
But I can only whisper this opposition
But atleast this time
I tried.
a nightmare
CNM May 2016
Part I
I'm too tired to stand on my own
Without your hand on my waist
I fall and break
I'm too small to sleep alone
Without your breath on my neck
My dreams will never come
I'm too fragile to love you

Part II
I had a dream last night
You said you'd save me
From the darkness I was residing
I waited an eternity, my whole life
And I never saw the headlights of your car through the window
The seams on my curtains
Look like the cuts on my body
Bleeding into flowers
I'd bleed you a whole bouquet
If it took your pain away
CNM Dec 2016
You lay on your tiny futon mattress
It hurts your back but you're to high to realize
Blood running down your face and pupils wide
You'd think someone whose been through the universe and back
Would feel the beating of others hearts in their chests
You aren't God so stop preaching and making up sins
You wonder why everyone has left
You think they just want you for your ******* drugs
You think they're all just ******* anyway
You think you are powerful
Little do you know you are thin as a rail
Shaky as a new born fawn
Your hair falls out your nails are long
You have a death wish and I won't feel bad
When I hammer the last nail into your coffin
You're getting what you deserved , karma punched you right in the face
Can't wait to **** on your grave
CNM Oct 2017
im like a rose bush
it'd be better if you'd just stay away
a beautiful scent attracts noses
people come for a sniff
and grow even more fond
but it'd be better if they'd just stay away
a cute girl wont leave my side
enticed by my aroma and appearances
but once she tries to touch me
my thorns ***** her finger
blood running down her hand
tears running down her cheeks
it'd be better if she'd just stay away
because now more people are stopping by in admiration
but she wants me to be her rosebush
but i cannot belong to anyone
my roots run deep into the earth
so it'd be better if you'd just stay away
CNM Sep 2016
sip , sip
it goes down thick
oh god i hope i don't get sick
sip , sip
I'm sweating i begin to strip
syrup on my lips leave a drip
gulp, gulp
more and more it all goes blurry
i chug it down in a hurry
gulp, gulp
i can't get out of bed
i can't get you out of my head
CNM Dec 2019
I know you didn't mean to
I know it wasn't your intention
But when you say I hurt you
I can't help but think that you made me
You gave me the knife that you fell into
And never understood my concern as your blood poured over my white clothes
No amount of bleach could wash the stains away
Yet I continued to scrub desperately at this tarnished cloth
Until the seams began to separate
And I know you didn't mean to
And I know it wasn't your intention
But I was left uncovered and cold
And you didn't hold me anymore.
CNM Oct 2016
The day my body said stop
You had told me nothing like that would happen
I had told you that I had a boyfriend
But you saw I wasn’t very happy
You saw your chance and you took it.
The day my body said stop
I made it clear I wanted to remain loyal
You had a plan to change what I wanted
But your plan failed, I didn’t want you
You didn’t care.
The day my body said stop
All of the sudden you were in my bed
All of the sudden you were naked and so was I
All of the sudden I was no longer loyal
All of the sudden I was crying.
The day my body said stop
My blood was all over your fingers,
My tears all over my face,
My bed reeking of your sweat,
You didn’t care.
You wanted another taste.
those werent from pleasure they were from pain
CNM Feb 2020
The hand that fed me
Became the hand that hit me
And when I bit his fingers
He only hit harder
We played when he wanted to play
And when the rough housing hurt me
I was crying in the corner like a kicked puppy
And I thought maybe I’d run out the door and down the street the next chance I got
But I was chained inside his bedroom
My collar so tight I could hardly breathe
And on that day I decided I didn’t like these games anymore
The front door opened and my restraints loosened
And I think the worst part
Is that I kept coming back to sit on the front porch
Hoping he’d let me back in
Because you never leave the hand that feeds you
Even if it leaves you starving
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