When I'm with friends
I am supposed to be happy
I am supposed to laugh at their jokes
I am supposed to have intellectual discussion
I am supposed to talk about love, lust and life
I do these things but I don't feel them like I should

Warm and fuzzy feelings
A sense of accomplishment for the things I do
All of which is not there
Instead replaced with a sense of numbness
A numbness that spreads from the tips of my toes to my watery eyes
All of which is directed by my unmanned control panel

Sure there are some days that I want to cry
But I'm not sad because of anything
I'm sad because of indifference
Indifference to the pleasure and pain in my life
Indifference toward whether or not the people around me love me
It seems that the only indifference I don't have is indifference to myself

I hate myself for being this way
Looking into the past like a pool of water
Convinced that I can even do anything besides splash it
And when I turn around to look to the future
Finding that I am surrounded by a jail cell with bars and no keys
Trapped forever in a state of perpetual limbo of pathetic self-pity

I find it hard to express myself because when I do
I am told repeatedly that I need to put it aside
Like it's okay that I am feeling it alone
Like it's okay that I feel there are only ever two types of days
Bad days or worse days
Like it's okay that I pray every day that today won't be a worse day

Maybe if I had control it would be okay
Maybe if I treated my failures like no big deal it would be okay
Maybe if I had a motivation or a sense of purpose it would be okay
But I have none of those things
So it's not okay
Nothing is okay and I will never be okay

Monogamy
Only two people
Becoming one in flesh and spirit
Strapped in this life together
To battle out the struggles
To care for one another
To guide one another
To correct one another
Till Death Do Us Part is the key
The key in life to true happiness

Girls Girls Girls!
Get your Girls!
Tall ones, short ones
Fat ones, skinny ones
Black ones, White ones
Asian ones, what have you!
We have them all
Here in front of you
At the click of a button
And a little desperate flirting!
We have a million!
Yes sir, a million girl to sleep with!
That can turn a frown upside down!
Yes sir! Each girl you ***** will make you happier
Than any guy who screws less!

Not sure the best way to come.

You should have only had one chance
And you failed You got another
One other chance to be a better brother
He tries to look up to You
Says he loves You with those eyes
Too bad You're too **** busy looking at Your girls thighs

Begs for You to listen
They call tell You to come over
Can't!  You're too busy ******* Your lover
Respect Your elders You never listen
Since after You *** You're too busy ******'

No one thought You were enough!
You had to go and get busy working
Yet Your ignorance is clouded by the darkness that is lurking
Gotta run to this place and You gotta run to that
You say, "Nope sorry, see you later, can't chat!"

You are a ******* fool
You are a liar, a thief
You are watching him fail and You don't care!
No one needs You, no one wants You
No one cares about You for who You are
No one wants You for who You are
Because the world doesn't want You
The world would be better off without You

I hope You die because then I wouldn't be able to hate You so much.

It  started as a bout of depression
As I woke up in my bed that only contained one pillow
A Valentine's Day that I have seemed to have forgotten
As I started to ******* to pictures of my exes
Picturing them in their vulnerable nakedness
In a previous life in a previous time

Dreary Day is what it seemed to me, D-Day
What I would have given to have a German shoot at me
And give me a jolted reminder of why I stay alive
Just go through the days and go through the motions
Make breakfast, eat, Netflix, make lunch, eat, Netflix, make dinner, eat-
Wait!

"Come to my anti-Valentines Day party... It'll be fun!"
I thought that it'd be easier not to go
Just stay home and stay in the cycle
Then again, all of my exes had boyfriends and they are happy
How dare they get to be happy while I am not!
I'll show them, I'll throw a big ******* on the day they so cherish!

I go to the party and get drunk quite quickly on the wine and beer
Then you came in, an angelic being among the party stoners
You come up to me quickly, since I am the most attractive person here
And grab my hand to shake and you tell me your name
That voice sounded oddly familiar in a sense, it was arousing
And that hair, and that body, and your initial passions that you express

Yes! You were perfect!  We were both a bit drunk
Got ***** as hell quite quickly and took off to a private suite
On one of the stoners beds and made love so sweetly
So tenderly that it was literally quite difficult for me to finish
Or that could have been the alcohol
Regardless though those were the events of that day

It is interesting to see how things change over time
How we are no longer just a fling, just an illusion in our heads
But our own people as we are now one
And as I look at you and get ready to continue my life
And you get ready to continue yours, there is no doubt about one thing
That everything from that day forth was better than the day I met you.

No flame is ever burning
It starts with a combustion
And blows into a stirring hot passion
But no matter how bright
Flame will always wither away into the unknown

Where has the flame gone?
One would ask
Why has the flame done this to me?
Another would scream
Why can't I even get flame in the first place?
Some will cry about

The answer is simple
Flame comes from a part combustible material
But that's only half the battle
It also needs to be exposed to an oxidizer and heat
And on top of that it needs to continue to be exposed to oxygen for oxidation
This can only be achieved through something called work

You open your lips slightly
You open them wide
And you say the words
The pretty little words

You pull me closer
Your hot breath to my ear
And you whisper to me the words
The pretty little words

The words repeat and entrap me
The words I repeat to myself
Each word I repeat tastes of you
The pretty little words

The words harden me
The words soften me
The words blind me and make me see
The pretty little words

You are a seraph
You are a devil
You will always guide me through with your words
The pretty little words

Heart is numb, you wish you were someone else
Soul wants to flutter but trapped in this body
You're here and claim that you will stay
So why do I feel like you will go away?

You tell me that you don't think you're beautiful
You're lying to yourself, believing the words that others have said
I want you here my love, I want you to stay
Please please please don't go away

Stretch marks, fat, ugly, ******, wreck
I try to quell the flames
Stupid, worthless, disaster, I hate myself
It won't end.... It won't end....

I dreamed that I woke up alone in sorrow
I showered and got dressed for a wake
I cried because I was alone on the bed where we used to lay
Because you have decided to go away.