l am the familiar unfamiliar.
I am a house of bones working as your cage of sorrow.
I am the three o’clock suicide hotline call your mom doesn’t know about.
I am your shallow breathing.
On a clear, cold night I am the emerald flash
Of the dying sun on the ocean.
Blink, and I’ll be gone.
I am the lukewarm coffee you force yourself to finish at the cafe.
Bitter, cold, and disappointing,
But you can’t stop drinking.
You once told me that coffee was the only thing keeping you alive,
So I pulled the plug on the machine.
I am the regret you throw up from your weekend binging routines,
Spilling from your mouth and falling off your lips like lava.
You could never keep me down.
I am Van Gogh, cutting my own ear off
In attempts to get your love.
I didn’t realize that giving it to you meant throwing a piece of myself away.
I am the earthquake that shattered the foundation of Los Angeles
just because I could.
After all, you always said you liked disaster.
On the nights that you actually manage to sleep, I am the spider
That crawls into your mouth.
It’s always been my favorite place to go.
I will love you like a mother loves her unborn child,
Cherishing the sight of blood just because it reminds me of you.
I am the two things you hate the most,
Paper cuts and taxes.
I am the two things you love the most,
Smoking and forgetting.
When you go to light your lucky, I am the kiss
Between the flame and the paper:
Something you only want to do once.
But you don’t have a smokers cough for no reason.
I am the desire in a baby’s grip to hold his mothers hand.
But, I am the mother who never cared.
I am not the tropical showers everyone wishes for,
But the devastating monsoons.
I am the reason storms are named after people.
When the winds are howling and your fingers are blistered with frostbite,
You can count on me to not be there.
Your mother always warned you to wear a seatbelt,
For fear of a collision.
I am the windshield your head crashes through when you don’t listen,
Carving the word
“Guilt”
Into your scalp.
I only wanted to see how your brain worked
When you weren’t thinking of me.
I am the look on your best friends face when he catches you
Sleeping with his girlfriend.
I am the teeth you lose from the punch;
Hide me under a pillow and I’ll disappear.
I am your ravenous drug habit,
Breathe me in enough and I’ll give you a high
You could have never imagined.
I am addiction.
I am withdrawal.
I am the lies of God and the hope for redemption
At your AA meetings.
Talk me up enough and I’ll be truer than your fathers gambling habit.
I am the tears that fall from your grandfathers eyes
When you tell him about the last time you tried to **** yourself.
After all, it was just yesterday.
I am the stones you placed in your pockets
And the icy river you plunged yourself into.

I am not the stranger who saved you.


I will never be the one to save you.

I may have seen galaxies in your eyes,
I may have thought in the moment,
That i first saw you,
I needed to have you;

I did have you,
I owned you.
But you treated me like a temporary property,
I felt like a disposable waste of time.

Our days grew colder as my heart grew weary,
I never wanted this, but we couldn't be sadder.
I just wanted us to make it,
I hope you don't take it personally.

I hope you remember the day i told you,
The day i said i stopped thinking about you.
I hope you take care of yourself,
As much as i did before.

I hope you understand i need to do it,
For you to bloom like the flower i've always wanted grow.
I hope you remember how i told you,
That i loved you more than my own.

i'm sorry you drowned, i didn't mean it,
I'm sorry your bones have shattered,
Just like the way i shattered your heart.

I'll always remember you,
As the girl i'd go deep in the ocean for,
Not knowing,
i'd drown in you, too.

It is the morning drag
Another day alive
"I wish i was dead."

Puffing on a cigarette
staring blankly at the wisps of smoke
I wonder, "Where did I go wrong?"

Everything seemed perfect
Wrapped in his arms
Running around in our underwear

I would hold him against my skin
Never wanting to let go
Only wanting to feel his 5 o'clock shadow.

Days of laughter
Becomes weeks
Fights never lasted more than a day.

Everything seemed perfect
like a dream I've always wanted
My romantic comedy was real.  

Then the rose colored glasses broke.
I saw the black and white
You saw everything wrong with us.

I took the heart emoji off his contact name
Packed memories in boxes
He took the final decision: "It's over."

Everything seemed so perfect
Until reality decided to play
And all the perfect moments forgotten.