inexplicably unavoidable
please be kind to me for i am not strong
although i know you are unable
and by that i mean that you refuse
im sorry youre not someone else
im sorry you are you

unmade bed of unmade actions
sometimes I wish I could unmake myself
broken watches and broken thoughts
another day of broken felt

you're always upset and never pleased
how hard can it be, quite, apparently
forever stressed with house a mess
a child under house arrest
at least one does as they do without influence from you
or at least doesn't display affectings

in retrospect however testing similar conjecture restings
waiting to be found and find indeed readers succeed
when writing unfolds as paper unrolls, rhetoric it bleeds
the words to heed, which meaning needs
a crucial step to understanding

planning trips of time spanning weekends in the mind
sometimes reality creeps up upon your back
though spine I lack, my knuckles crack
I'm ready for the fight - trembled fear in fingers clear
but fists protect my face, just try to hold a light
to my pace, the space I take quakes
with me, for me, from me
look into my eyes and say that you love me

you do, don't you

I know things I'm not supposed to
hide them in a box, canned whispers sealed
to never be revealed, closed, buried, burned
under rocks to overturn
leave no stone untouched, unbrushed
every surface passed my tongue
another night, another one
another taste of liquid sun
burning pleasure delight desire
rapacious hearts of words afire
a killing blow yet yearned and sought
an Icarus wing that will not stop
it isn't bad if we aren't caught

you think that, don't you

but I know this isn't always true
sometimes you're seen but never "caught"
sometimes they know, they always watch
on the dot
of the clock
I know things I'm not supposed to

the hands have turned in several circles
and here I am at last
my head between the leveled curtains
behind me, left for past

the future veiled by pleats drawn
undone a twisted cord from imagination
I see a lonely boy growing old
in cubicles and grocery stores
condemnation of pc screens
drifted words become
the only voice stony cold
I see a lonely girl growing old
in tiny houses with empty rooms
and a stuffed closet with nothing used
whipped stirred and done
the bony choice joking folds
a lonely person growing old

tears will well, in weeping fell
but clear eyes see fear lies
because of course beyond the curtains
nothing's forced and nothing's certain
thus all could be reality
it's mostly knowing keeping bold
just wait and see what's next for me
I won't be lonely growing old

chasing hills beyond the glimpse
the glass has spilled its sour frost
lyrics bled by writers' heads
speech screeched positive red
catching captured charms of frame
sober melted peaks
blurred forbidden tainted progress
thumbs massive flashes glee

focused demands different notions
evidence mourned separate passions
stretching drama to brittle fond
an image of fame ruins kicking gone

frozen mountains burned alive
familiar heads on security tapes
pleasure never measured in despair
upstairs dirt escapes
painless painted panel quaint
a king's bone split fate
constant midnight calls
hunger chasing useless cure
rings list cost installed
movie plans ocean braid
swayed stolen chains enthrall

audacious suspicious
egregious and vicious
pervasive emissive
passive persistive
unarmed and ungallant
expectedly *******
unbounded unfounded
expoundingly grounded
tenacious abrasive
abruptly invasive
static in stasis
solitary basis erases tastes this wasting faces making listing blazes
hazing draped in places
losing races unabashadly
maximally tragically insanity and jaded

hellbent point of peace
eaten by jointed bells
sand balance spat upon
sawn palace grand hands
swimming riches switch accounts
amounts to ditch of winnings
a similar muck shared between
seams stuck to stick her head
to seek her simple dream

potted paints in tins
glass water bottled dipped with brush's tip
crouched at a baby table back hurting knees hurting hand hurting head hurting
this is art
watercolored spit is this enough for you
of course not

another cake but without cream
my tooth lethal leveled sweet
didn't even read
fine print in the footer
of birth certificate
"may contain mentally sick"
I'll die of too much sugar
if not first by bullet to the head or any particular sharp edge
this house takes anger and consumes it straight
presumes hate
don't touch me
I don't feel safe with my roommates

Very distracting kind of abstract
Cardboard laundry hamper box filled with soiled time
Wash your clocks and clean its hands
Lord knows how often seconds wipe smiles from faces
How unsanitary, which I can't stand
But yet, the crumples of crinkled sheets cast aside
Though should reside in washer's spinning bowl
In actuality slumps glumly on my floor truly self extolled
How will I ever do on my own, after leaving from home
I'll be alone and hungry and ******, nothing but skin and bone
Anyway
It's time I just get those sheets washed

calendar events days and numbers
jumped and wrought and carefully plundered
asunder to wander the wonder while over encumbered

you're the one who wanted the sale
yet you anguish over axles and hands
today or tomorrow or never bother and borrow
exhale frustration and stale anger for patience
may compassion expand despite demand

there is something up there
bending burning melting hurting
and it keeps me silent

the clock turns slowly
but the calendar quickly
soon my heart's lonely

i w_rry __u will s__ _nd r__d _nd und_rst_nd _nd s_ i c_ns_r m_ _wn w_rds _n m_ _wn p_g_s, _nd m_ h__rt c_nt_rts; th_ s_rr_w runs d__pl_ in m_ bl__d, i _m sc_r_d it will n_v_r l__v_ m_ v_ins - but lif_ m_v_s\ _n _nd m_ l_v_ f_r __u __t c_rri_s - _nd _ll i h_v_ t_ s__ is s_rr_.

☆
crispy gold nugget in a wendys bag
drive thru love with an s class grade
☆
poetry plum picking purpley sky
pernicious persnickity perplexing but why
perilous prudent pervasive and high
plentiful panicking poetry pie
☆

you've never seen their mornin
never known their everyday
don't know for them what is normal
careful what you say
what you say, what you do
watch your actions careful too
don't know what they been born into
what kind of baggage came
with their family name
cause you ain't never seen their mornin
ain't never seen their mornin

off and out into the wild
into the light of day
walking down the street
nothing special just mundane
self confidence picks up feet over concrete
this is what it feels like
to be yourself to be for real [sweet!]
sometimes a real feat
just to be yourself a real feat
a real feat
sweet

search and seizure
homework in the park just leisure
nothing wrong except for question eight
turn the page of the packet wait

pain killer's killed by time
constricting stomach folds inside
poppin pills in the park
not the kind for after dark
just some pain killer
brain filler
when mind's filled with hurt
torment
torture
only pain around the corner
pain killer
pain killer

you see what you want to see
perceive what you only already believe
bias/
drop your false pious/
your badge doesn't make a preacher
abilities abused only makes a cheater
just assumed the pills from a dealer
but you ain't a mind reader [nah!]
you ain't a mind reader

stop and take a breather
check your reason before creepin, search and seizure
give some space, search and seizure
not your place, search and seizure

search and seizure

watch wait keep it straight, waking in the wind
stop hate seeking fate, shaking over sin
crop rate leaning makes raking money in
botched fake seeing snake, baking honey tin

nearly noon oclock at night
phone screen poetry on a shared queen bed
the kitty woke me up this morning
his sweet little paws so gently said hello
a fistful of minutes and my toes touch the floor

i never understand the fridges of anothers home
but eggs are in the pan and pancake battered bowl
red room breakfast, black tea in the car
water on the ground sleeping soundly
cash back in the pocket
it was perfect pacin walkin
upstairs adventure with a basket of snacks
you called at just the right time for that strawberry milk pack

dorm couch poetry next to different angled conversations my world in rotation everything falling into place i dont know how to convey to you the magnitude but holy ******* **** i love my friends *******!

driving down the [] trail to ikea
cs backup in the backseat lackin sleep stacked up
parkin lot food keepin stats up
as the five hour campaign begins as it seems itll last us

why the ***** was it so hot in there

two weeks later and ive finally found a bathroom
(now i understand the scps and backrooms)
cleaning closed to women so its great that im a man or at least enough to take the handle still on brand but -
ive come to see things so unlike the way i have before a total norm to have the room with another human being it doesnt bother me at all in fact it feels natural sharing walls ive never been there on my own like that before -
such exhilaration from a stall inside a store and everything has changed,

Everything has Changed.

(fading bruises blue i never thought id heal in truth)
but actually outside of me every little thing has stayed the same -
and it is my lungs that have been shifted since the air that i am breathing is not different its just never like i used to

weird *** food court and a homework champ
bluetooth music with your mandatory lamp
hurtling down the aisles in a flatbed cart/
clambering the scaffolding
hampering the staff it seems
i say this dearly but you three quite sincerely
have a chokehold on my heart

ive never tried konjak jelly and ive never heard cherry wine but boy i cannot wait for these to be the first of a long string of things, immerse me in your lives submerged and intertwined i want to love you guys for a long long long ******* time

penning lemming blackberry stems lending friendship sending jam jelly mending slam poetry unending

take me by the hand, and hold me by the throat
whisper in my ear
"you know you want this"

wieghted veins pump heavy blood
because you speak the truth
don't slit my wrists, but slit my soul
with those wicked words of yours
those wicked words of my own
as I feed them to your mouth

I tell myself it's you
I tell myself there is a you
but in this room, there's only one
only one to blame
sadistic sadness contorts within
it's my own hand around my own neck
I tell myself I want this

and I believe it

black blanketed empty ice
i didnt want to bring it
i didnt feel the pull the push the desire the bone-burning fire
i think i might be losing what it meant what i felt what i dreamt
grieving on pine needle floors
"TO DECIDE"
is it even up to me anymore
"everything that i want
i now have to give up
because it seems appropriate"
(appropriating portions that you punctuate)
if abdication is required well then so be it
or at least that is the manner that i will depict
as i realize the extent to which i fluctuate

spotted in tears parallel to peers
for the impact is unimaginable
intangible ungrounded unfounded unmanageable

i stand in the back row, watching the casket sink lower
im never sure whos inside
whats divine when theres nothing alive
to what capacity will the constraining factor maintain
incapable, an electric field of rage, inescapable
a negatively charged invertebrate ablaze
as if i ever had a chance against the flames

yellow crosswalk indicators underneath my shoes
sillhouetted familiarity by the garden ledge
and instead, wiping away water, stopping for the view

six identical plates, twelve identical more
will i wont i, pushed aside
deciding that right now i will be fine
six identical breaks, twelve identical torn

this future does not carry over
perhaps it is that i will be declined denied reimagined revived
i will never be ready for anything old for anything new
not even clouds in windows in lines
i miss you i miss you i miss -
well
i miss what i used to think of you

but standing in that row
did you hear what i had whispered
a candle lit dinner in tandem to splinters
for some time
sitting alone at the table
inside of my mind
would i even if i was able
did you notice
did you falter
are you stable
the stone had a name like mine

(group poetry)
☆
fish warm
fish cooked and broiled
fish fresh
fish clean, unsoiled
☆
the bless-ed corn
ur hair it does adorn
☆
snorting god
☆
i responded with as much honesty as courtesy would allow
☆
my own words meant for someone else
coming back to me and applying to myself
☆

its so expensive just to stay alive
i mean imagine how it costs to thrive
experience a life of mint and time
like written rhyme but if it werent the rind of strife
the pith the side the bite
ill tell you what it costs to keep your life

a tax of mine is mind and spine
physically substantial
and soon to be a wound or three
it will become
critically financial
incredibly intentionally extensively pedantial
so thoroughly impossible to handle
quite the radical tangential that you could manage to survive this ******* battle

and yet how crucially essential is a victory to saddle that it is your very life within the throttling hands of rattled gods and brands
bottled shot and ran
right on down your throat
and yet they gloat and boast a new disposable feel-good care-for-you quote
but dont misunderstand they do not give a **** youre broke
broke of time and full of pain
i mourn the future

i dread the chest i dread the suture
the uncertainty will have no name
with nothing for the hurting to be tamed
nor a place to shove your blame

this is the pith the side the bite
this is the cost to keep your life

people change their minds
nothing's unconditional
traditionally habitual of human animals
predictably they always change their minds

but not you, no
you're not typical
you're unequivocal
I know exactly what you think
you're never finicky
because you unconditionally
unaccept me
your consistency is appreciated
as indicated by tears that ensue
so thank you
I mean it, I really do

she advanced like a gunshot
right through my heart and my life
pierced my chest with a blade
but there was love on the knife

blackened bones cracking in the flames
im sinking, heart drowned, disparity compounding the remains
and this is all i know

if offered potentially bothered could that be the downfall
though left to another, untethered, lost lover, wheeled away
hoarse-throat fear i cannot lose you i cannot lose you
but neither can this stay

it is on occasion, more frequent than before
that i see in you, such that ive seen scorch
the heat is calming, until it is too much to bear
fire in my stomach, too much for me to share
molten marrow dripping from the ribs
and from the eyes, burning, freezing, twisting, bare
i care too much to tell you how i think that you will fare
this light that is entrancing, it will keep you blindly petrified
try not to stare, turn away, though i know you wont you cant im terrified
im scared

and i am here just barely, just hardly
the heart in cremation from unchecked eyes, severely unemployed mind
im sorry im sorry im sorry

but what am i supposed to say
when collar bones hold souls
captively in rapture
fractured aspirations, broken realizations
with dark unsanctioned swiftness
partly breathing patience
but i cant relive this
and im sorry and im sorry
so please
offer me fogiveness

i know that if i touch the glass it will ripple and shimmer and light me on fire
i know that if i drink from the waters edge that i will never return to this side
i know that if i lean forward i could kiss him and just as easily lose the entirety of my being
for at this window i find it is the bridge from my body to the world and i can feel it pulling me in
and if i let it, it would make me into the universe and leave not a single trace behind

i only wish to tell you
the things i cannot say
its not that its a secret
its just that i am physically unable
and so i remain
forever aching to convey the unconveyable

there's not much I don't know I do know
but there's quite a bit I know that I don't

cant sleep when theres fire on my face. the heat upon my legs and arms it weighs above the cushions, and on the other side behind the screen and on concrete careful - in the perch, a watchful eye dont think youre clever. it is cold and it is gentle, and there are airplanes in the sky - today i talked to one about satellites, and i wonder if the stars will reach down for me tonight, and if i will bend so slightly forwards to meet them as they fall - though with city lights i doubt they will at all

why yes
I do indeed
want to read
another single chapter

past tense, more than I
for tensely, I am current

stuck in the middle
where nothing is bad
but nothing is good
it's sad how drab it is
but at the same time
it's steady

reliable
consistent
in the worst ways possible
when you're in the middle you don't get any pity
lost in a city sea of other people
no one knows your name
and no one will care to learn it
every day the same
sometimes all that I want is to
burn it

there's an ocean of fire in my eyes
in my mind
another sky but hazy smoky
lazy low key
another day at home

another day of arguments
another day of tears
year after year of anger and hate
they say
it's hard for those whose parents split
but wouldn't I rather that than parents hit
though they only hit with words
arguably worse

since they have enough to put food in my mouth and clothes on my back
no social worker will ring the bell
since my bruises are not visual
invisible wounds are visceral
infliction controversial contradiction
extinction of hope

work, heat, delta thermal
physics homework is eternal
pressure, volume, temp-er-a-ture
writing numbers of im unsure
diatomic, radiative
canvas grading is creative
gpa extrapolated
ideal gases suffocative
but i only need to pass
to relax at long last

I AM BREATHING.
THE ATMOSPHERE HAS TURNED TO PINS AND NEEDLES
IT HAS TURNED TO ASPHALT TAR
THE AIR IS FULL OF DISTANCE AND REGRET
BUT I AM BREATHING YET
THE OXYGEN HAS TEETH AND IT IS SCREAMING
BUT I AM BREATHING
I AM BREATHING.

I might ring you in the afterlife
visit your apartment across the way
if you give me the gold in your veins
pump it directly into my eyes
I don't ever want to see reality again
I might ring you in the afterlife
break your porch swing by accident
apologize but only if it's dry inside
and if you fax me the last breath you took
I'll keep it in a jar
and if I ever need some fresh air
some blessed air
not by you, but by the holiness of lost life
I'll break the glass and consume
I might ring you in the afterlife
so be waiting
if you've spoken with Truth and Time
I'll trade Her number
beauty itself, the face of Liar
and maybe one day
I'll ring you in the afterlife

my head's a hollow jar
made of fragile glass
careful not to break
into a hundred shards

my eyes are made of cork
but very poorly so
as everything leaks out
puddles on the floor

gymnasium
so amazium
blowin my cranium
my **** so hard like titanium
thats crazy insanium
like cadmium geraniums
caesium uranium
wild pounding atriums
emblazened with palladium

fresh colors completely distantly constant
brother poet possibly gripping patience
smooth for ever eventually taking existence

a swallowed rolling branch of trouble
the blade expressed by monster eighty
compliantly shady driving a cracked creating whisper
bubbled rubble of weighty concern
does this hurt forget her it's Christmas, web surfer
a bloom adorned in restless praise
for tongues and lathes trail storms ablaze
lingered is west current laid
an unexpected place, for change

stir fry rice in the black skillet pan
stove top breakfast but not enough time
blueberry coffee cake in room seventeen
outdoor windstorm inner demon fling
pride and accomplishment but sorrow as well
what if it's all down hill from now
best performance in practice compelled
what if that was the best I'll ever tell
what if the slam isn't great isn't perfect
wait

breathe
don't negatively dwell
feet wide, chest out, clenched fists, inner yell
power pose and your sound will grow
in this case
your sound of existence
may you ever be persistent
in working for your dreams

next on agenda, signature forgeries
for a cause of course no cons
light theft earlier today
held the door and stacked chairs
rules broken my way
skip to offer therapy, support, care
make you feel understood

I like to think that I'm chaotic good

viscous tears thick with love
a beauty so deep it bruises
transcendent and divine
the fire's release calling gently
caught entranced by the flames of immolation
heavy and profound
burning in your gaze

sometimes
all that's
inside's
empty

awoken missed calls
to another eight hour stand
body pain and mental strain
say it's needed and
call this really living

call it present call it future
call it time forever further

there was a heron in the sky when i crossed the street this morning. ive never seen a heron so far from water, so far from home. i watched it gently, despite the people walking. i dont always break the unspoken in this manner, and although ive been more often lately, it still is not consistent, and so feels notable in this instance. of course there you were when you werent and lasting considerably though considering what is normal to me this was not notable.
but a heron was flying when i got off the bus today.

i felt as rested as ten with completed checks yet really i was running on a miracle three with more boxes than i could carry with my hurting wrist and hurting knees -

dear god,
will you hold me so softly with mercy in your palms,
will you tell me so delicately what you mean when you speak,
will you set me so lovingly to the floor when you must let me down,
for there will come the time for me to die.

at six fifty pm they turn off all the lights. and down the block sitting at the stop, at last a moment to catch up, and that is when i saw the second one that day.

dear heron,
will you fly again so starkly with your ever fervent beauty,
will you seek me out so blatantly though subtle as you have been guided,
will you return so frequently further, but not so much you disappear,
for i would love a heron to fly when my time has come to pass.

holding you feels like an inevitable. intangible yet legible. i dont check the clock when im waiting for the bus. it will arrive when it does and when it does i will get on it.

i saw two herons on tower street today.

A slice of paper inked with fist-fulls of letters for your tongue
Read it aloud, stand your ground, do me proud
With a great drink of air and the pulling of courage from the mud on your shoes
Just forget how you’ve been, and go out on this limb
You begin

it will be a piecemeal process wont it
perhaps its just the way that i am feeling
i know tomorrow will be different (or will it?)
but that does not make this nothing

it is tempting to make the cut
is it worth it when its always proven wrong
but i am scared
will the damage mend
or perhaps should i say will i care

at what point is history enough
when do i decide to take the jump
and should i consider the climb down instead
and by climb i mean getting dashed against the cliffside
and by cliffside i mean the wooden box of ticket stubs
where i awake in tears because she said that it was normal
but this was not the first time
and by that i mean if i were to break the curfew
where would i go if not straight back to here

inaction is a choice
i hope i will not stand so paralyzed in spring
id like to think its simply winter frost come early
but dependency has cuffed me

the expanse found between solid bones
a cavity so fatal it makes me wonder should i even bother
is my energy better spent if i just let it die
or should i **** it faster
should i even try to stay alive

theres poetry on the table
theres water in my skull/
more difficult to hold with each day becoming bolder
can u imagine how it feels
to peel those words like tangerines/
to ask to be told
to eat the definition of incision
and crumple in its folds
just like a rendered dream/
and i am tasting out of control

tears are skin deep
in beauty moon wonder
takes my lonely youth away
they heal the bleeding peak
the boys smile numbly thunder
underneath holy force they lay

from heavens content petals prone
claim waiting names of ancient begged
those Saturday boys of wasted senses
desires swallow ghostly natural stone
perfection strung on madness famed
conversations threw perception wrenches

pharmacopoeia pseudo-heartbreak
boys of silk surrender's tone
numbers **** fixed clue compassion
they've knocked naive awkward sake
surrounded rot dwell spoken phones
talks grateful lake of mentioned passion