HAPPY BDAY SINI HOLANI FUNAKI MANU
YOU ARE DA BESTZ DAD, UNKLE, PAPA, NEPHEW OR WHATEVA, LOL
Ma'u ha 'aho fiefie, ‘Oku ou ‘ofa ‘ia koe
xxoxx :)

yellow is the color of my love's hair
blue is the color of the sky
we'll grow wings
and past the stars fly
dropping bombs
of peace and prosperity
all of us panickers
will for once see in clarity
we'll stay up for the sunset
and wake up for the sunrise
we'll act like its a
fabby bday suprise
we'll overtake the world
and change it to one that's good
there won't be any violence
life will drop it's shadowy hood
love will be our governor
and hope will be the president
I can't wait to be
that country's resident.

So there was this girl. And I met her my freshman year in German class, fourth hour. Her name was Sophia and I thought she was weird and creepy because she stared and didn't talk and tried to play footsie with me and me being the still-self-loathing queer that I am was desperately terrified that anyone would know I was bi. So I gave her mean looks, didn't look at her eyes, turned from her, ignored her. The list goes on. And then she basically disappears for the next two years. And last year, my senior year, I had her in my first semester second hour German class. And she was different. I thought hey. "Maybe she's cooler now, she's kinda a bit cute maybe I'll get to know???? Her ??? Maybe ???? And so we kinda talked a lil lil bit, but not really talking till xc skiing started, in November. I don't know I what it was, but I thought "hey. She's cute AND smart" so I made up a little brouhaha till I was suddenly driving with her to practice. Every day. And I learned she was kind, smart, funny, hilarious, BEAUTIFUL, kept me on my toes... The list goes on. As I spent more and more time with her, more and more time following her like a lost puppy, i feel deeper and deeper into love. She never texted a lot, so I started to text my thoughts to her with no expectation of a text back. I knew she appreciated them even if she didn't reply. And when she did reply, BLAM! A lightning bolt would slam into my stomach each time I saw her name in my notifications screen. I treasured those texts back, and stated writing poems about her, to her, inspired by her, inspired by HER, seeing her blonde hair every time I looked at the sun, her blue eyes in every lake and clear day and for-get-me-not and her big nose in my mind's peripheral vision and her cute small firm **** and the way she walked, straight up, so solid and set-forth and DEtermined, ******* (though she would never swear) to get to where she was going. I couldn't get her out of my head. Her just, state of being. I'd never met a creature so quietly, yet so determinedly set on who they were and how they were. The way she always knew what to say. I swear to god I thought this girl was an angel. When I looked at her, I wanted to trail my fingers over every inch of her, memorizing it, imprinting it on my bones, that intimate knowledge of you to visible eons from now. I would've climbed through hell for her, to just get five minutes of her, a nod a smile a GEN-YOU-INE laugh *******. I thought about how our bodies would fit together, the ghosting of lips over parts only The Holy Ones know. The way we'd sit together, soft and silent, barely touching but very at peace, and I was planning a title for a book of my poetry entitled "A Series of Notes to the Love of my Life (And a Cherishment of Nature)". I mean I thought this girl, this one in the world-universe, was my everything my holy savior my holy love my holy angel. I just thought that feeling, this feeling that was so intense, was because that was RIGHT. AND must BE. So I fell deeper and deeper, snatching knowledge bits of her that I could, leaving sweet notes and compliments, all over and to who ever for her. I asked her to prom. Through a letter I gave her, with a kayak-Paddler necklace in it. I'd never been brave enough to think about doing that before, ADMITTING my feelings for the girl. I was so smooth and charming and kind (cause I thought she might kinda maybe be gay or at least gay ish way and thought if she was and liked me too she might wanna be going "as friends" or something) and she said yes. I was so happy. It made my whole day better. Forever. I thought about slow dancing with her, imagined pictures floating about in my daydreams, taking up all time and space. And we went. Except she invited her best friend along too who she stayed glued to all night and never danced with me and barely looked at me And I felt like a third wheel to THEM, and so we got home and I was sad and tired and didn't want to do anything but we went on a night kayak and and I told her she was the most beautiful girl there by far and I had so much fun with her and on and on and I was just. So sweet to her how could she not know I like her ****. And she just said. "Oh you're so sweet." And she might've said something else, something idk, but I was just so bitterly in love but wanting her all the same and loathing her with how and by and why I wanted her attention. And I continued falling, ignoring the bitter bad parts of our relationship in favor of the new small things I'd learn about her. And for her birthday, July something, I was gonna give a small box id make in woodworking with a beautifully planned out and executed *** from ceramics with a nice letter telling her how amazing I thought she was and how I might tell her how i feel. And I made them, falling worse and worse daily. So in love. And I awkwardly increased the looks, the poems, the sighs and dreams and wishes. And school ended, we graduated, with pictures and a letter to her from me about how cool she was and a promise of a Better letter with her bday gift. I kept sending her my thoughts, asking her to hangout, (we never did) and telling her I missed her. Well I finished her gift and packed it. The letter, and all. By this time I had tried to get over her. I thought I was (except for the bits that stick with you You Know) and we'd just be friends but-I'm-cool-with-More. Forever. I thought this friend was a Real Deal. Once in. A lifetime. So I gave her the gift, then she didn't open if(or maybe she did and wanted to pretend she didn't open) cause she had a 30-day trip. No phones. I sent her some of my thoughts, not all you know. Didn't wanna overload her texts when she gets back. And I waited, and waited. And it had been thirty days! I Waited for some notification that she saw it, that she opened something. I texted her. Her read receipts? On. She saw it. No reply. I waited and texted and waited and texted. Each message more sour than the last. Eventually I all hope. I said to her I was disappointed in her (I had come out to her as bi in my letter, something I wasn't sure she supported.) so I'm devastated now. I thought she'd be in my life forever, how could an angel like that not stay????? But she's gone. I might never know what she really thought and why she didn't reply. It makes me lose so much faith and hope and love in humanity when someone like that leaves your life. It cracked my soul and I honestly think I might never be able to trust anYONE completely. Ever. Because of a girl like her. She broke my heart and never even knew she had it. Or maybe she did. I guess I might never know. It makes me so sad. She absolutely crushed me, quietly and subtly. I do think I'm ruined for life. Even if only slightly. I might slowly be losing my sanity. I just want to talk to you. Please. What did I do? God I loved you. I still might. Please just stitch my soul back together, even just a little bit.

today is my birthday.
the day i was born.
the day my faith was just started.

today,
i got a new number.
i got a plus one for my age.
nothing different.
it's just an ordinary day like usual.
but at the start of the day, i got surprises from my beloved people.

i am so grateful, for everything, today (and the other days).

i spent my time with my person & had much fun.

but you know what,
once i entered my room, the feelings changed.
i put my things to its own place,
i changed my clothes, the feelings got worse.

i laid my body on the bed,

and BAM

my tears broke.
it just broke

my feelings reduced me to tears with its own "things"

one thing..
i don't usually feel blue on my bday
but today,

i can't even validate my feelings.
everything just messed up the moment i laid my body, or should i keep walking?
is it my fault to gave my body a rest?
i shouldn't be stop, right?
the head keep talking.

and my heart sinks.

Hiiiii....u knw what aaj ky hai....
aaj bhot special prsn ka bday hai...
meli bestieee.... kaaa
paglu ka
bhot special tu duffr mere lyee...
&
chalo kuch meethi meethi yaade yaad dilata hu...
apni....
yaaad hai jab humari fst tym baaat hui thi....wo cmnt k rply me
ladai se hui thi startng
ki pata tha itne impo ** jaynge ek dusre k lye
fr wo humara din bhar choti choti si baat pr ladna
manana
fr draaame dikhana ki tu lunch ni kalega to b ni kalungi....
tu gannna ...tu gannniii
hihihihihi
bhot misss krta hu m bo ladaiyaaa
punishment b inni pyali ki galti krne ka man kre
....
school se aate hi beg rakhne se phle....mobile on krna...
net on hone se phle whatsappp pr msz type krna....
agr ek mint b reply late hua to bawal ,machana...
fr shaq wali nigaaho se dekhnaaa.....
hihihi binna galti k es masssom bacheee se solly bulbana.....
pure pure din baat krke b pet ni bharta tha
deere deere baat krte krte special one bn gyi merelyee....
fr kisi se b baat ni kalta tha m
muujhe aaj b yaad hai wo din
8/4/1999 mela bday gifttt
maine tainu 1st tym dekha tha...
hihihihi...
apni yaari ese hi bni rahe hamesha....
bs yadi pray krni hai... mainu...rab se.....
i love u my....bestieee...... happy bday tooo.....uuuuuuuu...
ab bta babu ky gift chaahiye teko.
.

i remember us when we were young.
we two little girls,
not yet three,
sitting on my front steps, you
spitting sunflower seeds at my feet
and me ******* on the salt and
saving the insides for later.
we, inseparable at four,
singing and dancing at your bday party
(only two days before mine),
smothering cake all over our faces,
shoving icing covered fingers into our open mouths.

i remember that you were larger than life.
your head was always trying to
catch up with your body,
that expansive geography of
flesh.
even when we were kids, you
would pass your rolls of fat off for *******
(except for that summer, when
i came back and you moved away.
i was the one with the
biggest ******* on the block
then, and
instead of boys,
girls came running, wanting to see
what was hiding under my shirt.

that summer
i started my first love affair
with my new neighbor. the one i said had
the ghetto name? we would meet
in my livingroom- she on the couch and me on the floor
or
me on the couch and she on top of me and
she would lift up my shirt, struggle with my bra
and cradle my budding ******* like newborns.

...i never told you about that,
but i wanted to,
and i'm sure that's the summer when you came back to visit
and tried to get me to come out in your sly way.
you told me, "mali,
what's the point of boys? they're all trouble
anyways." and i mmed,
and you waited
and i changed the subject.

remember that time i bragged to you about smoking ****
for the first time? and little Rich
from up the block
tried to sell us bud, but we told him
we had our own? so to look cool, we stole
your grandma's ****, and i felt bad about it but
you told me it was okay because
she bought it
from my dad
anyway. i remember we rolled
a joint the size of your middle
finger and we smoked the whole thing.
i said i didn't feel nothing, but when your grandma asked us
about it, the only answer i could muster was,
"****?
what's that?"
i don't think she believed me, but she let me off the hook
and i wasn't allowed
to come over for a little while.

i remember being seven
on summer nights
and playing tag in the bushes that separated our houses or
catching lightning bugs in jars across the street
in front of the church because there
adults couldn't hear
our whispers about naughty things
like
cute teen boys and
what *** must feel like.

you seemed
to have so much freedom. you could
walk around the corner,
past the crumbling apartment where
crackheads would stumble out during midday-
all the way to the gas station
to get a huggie and a bag of chips, you said, but
who knew
what exciting adventures you might have had,
what interesting people you might have met?
my dad rarely let me go up and down the street.
i remember being so mad about that that. my big brother said
it was because me and him, we were
different.
now i realize he meant that we were
(supposed to be) better.
back then,
i wanted to be like you.
free to make my own choices. when your grandpa candy
asked me if i wanted to go on a ride on his motorcycle,
my little body shook with disappointment, because i knew
i had to say no. i sat on my front steps and
waited forever
until you came back, half hoping that
you had toppled off, or one of the other
dangerous things my mom warned me about
had come true.

instead,
you came back looking triumphant, your round cheeks
burning
with the excitement of your trip, your
half-permed hair
a messy halo
around your head.

Everyday is a wake up struggle,
Pack bags, one orange on the way we juggle,
Family and work, life is double,
It's hard to keep calm face, show no trouble.

I know him and her of day to day,
So fit and fine on chair they stay,
Computer screen, staring away,
Knows who what in background lay?

Back home a kid cries for mom,
Waiting for daddy to sing a song,
Back home an old lady sitting calm,
While they work for her meds & balm

Ever wonder how many couple fights,
To settle together at a work place right?
Stress of work bald patterns light,
Work work work, no sleep all night

A drink with friends, end of a busy week,
Time spend with self or many colleagues?
Every peny for travel, savings, no leak,
Getting leaves for vacations? chances look bleak.

Can I keep this baby now?
Will I be able to provide? And how?
On flip side they have a baby, wow!
Sweets & new pictures of baby bow.

Financial misery to avoid,
Fill insurance papers, with help of a guide,
For extra outings investments tried,
New car, furniture, for further studies to provide.

Thought of a boyfriend, fiancée, husband, wife,
Travel or celebrate kids bday is a strife,
Tension encountered every minute of work life,
Torn between emotions, decisions in office is rife.

So many things going on in our mind,
Nowhere to see, breathe or peace we find,
This is a trade off of an evolving humankind,
Something goes on in the background all the time.

to my wonderful parents
i love you
flaws and all
you made me
this handsome young man
grew to be six feet tall
i have my mother's skin
but my father he lies within
the strength and patience
to fight through the wicked
i have done great things
in this world of
hate and corruption
but my parents virtues
show the light
in the darkest situations
you showed me the truth
when i told you lies
dont do dumb ****
or on the floor i lie
life's lessons started
with you two
god blessed me
with a father
and mothers
HA HA i have two
Cynthia came along
what perfect time she did
made my father happy
im so glad you slid
into our picture
made it all sappy
from love and affection
for us and our pappy
i love you and thank you
makin my life
so near to perfection

William
my baby brother
earth's finest gentleman
you make me proud
day in and day out
makin moves to
move on from another
showing genuine feelings
something i thought
the world was without
you give me reason
to keep my best face
cause you carry the
worlds face on your brow
lighten up baby bro
it only gets worse
but if u let it
your world can get better
continue to love
your enemies and friends
cause hate gives them power
that wont let you live
happy and stressfree
so pick that chin up
hold ya head up high
cause i love you bro
your a better guy than I

Toni
my wittle sister
the twin sent from above
we share the same bday
as well as the same love
thank you for showing
this lost boy turning man
how to treat these ladies
with love and respect
even on the days when
those horns start showing
the wild child of us 3
you have given me
plenty of laughs and memories
without you in my life
half would be missing
our birthday would be
a celebration and a funeral
that means yay
Wayne is older
and boo whoo
the anniversary is no more
we are too much alike
not sad but true
my mirror image
if i were a girl
i would have been you!

to my friends
old ones and new
imma take this time
to give shoutouts
to each one of you
the days i sit around
lookin worn out and through
your face shows up
then mischeif we get into
so many stories
they lead into great tales
ill forever be greatful
in this poem
you can tell
cause im thanking
each one of my comrades
multitudes of gratitude
all you fools
feed my soul food

to those in my life
who **** me off
and cause more strife
i thank you
a little more than most
so i can boast
my victory when i conquer
the obstacles you set
and the limits you show
since you are
too cowardly
to let a brother
go the distance
this body will allow
im shootin for Pluto
but when i listen
to the **** you throw
i dont shoot past
the dusty *** flo'
friends might fit here
family members fit also
so if you figure
you fit in this stanza
dont get angry
sad or discouraged
cause you help me out
more than you ever knew it.

This is the kind of note I hope you all have an addition to..

I think I've come to a realization. Just watched "waking Life" for the first time the other day and I've ALWAYS been super curious about dreams. The many discussions with my roommate Jenay Breden the many talks on deja vu with Ben Masters, and many others, I am open with dreams and like i said very curious and good at asking questions (To me it is kind of wrong because I feel dreams tell A LOT about people so I am getting all this information from someone and they think they are jsut telling me a silly dream that means nothing.) A dream is an opening into your soul and psyche. Its very personal yet can be profoundly universal.. Anyway, I had a strange dream last night: (haha though all dreams are strange)
but the premis of it was a personal moral I feel I had to overcome at this moment in time..

not all dreams are the same, it might not be a moral, but the conquering of a long journey. For example I've had many a re-occuring dream where I would be on a quest and every time I have not completed it but the next time I dremt it I got further. Till one night I will complete it, then not have the dream again..

about half my dreams are scary on all sides of spectrum, from having family in danger, to other dark things.. to monsters, to death, running from someone/thing, to real-life-stuff to not-so-real-stuff, to parkouring in a mansion while my friends and I throw random objects at each other (i know.. what? haha).
Random dreams about things I desire, or fullfilment of life goals (one time I wrote a song on the piano in my dream) or the dream I had about swinging on the vines in the jungle before my bday.
Such as adventure dreams: flying is a huge thing i do in my dreams that I savor each moment of. A very-young-me dream was I was a sto-away on a pirate ship, but it was fun to travel through the maze of hidden spots..
Or maybe other dreams that aren't so much scary, but things I fear happening. Like a boyfriend cheating, or losing money. I mean, we all have these dreams.
My girl Ashleigh was telling me how her and her boy, had a similar dream the same night.
I see random people I know, and people I don't know.. yet
Such as deja vu. Ever since I had the theory a couple years about deja vu being a dream you once had, I have only encountered moments that attest to this.
Almost every deja vu Ive had I remember it being from a dream.. How can your mind know what is going to happen in the future?
We all might have heard that our mind and the universe are one. In many ways you know. examples: positive and negative affirmations, how the way we think spans subconsciously to others (when you're thinking of someone and they all of a sudden call or text you), we are all connected, etc
SO, if the universe IS our mind (and our souls are connected to this unvierse, to each other) and the universe has no time, because how can you put a tangible definition to something intangible, (i also got that from reading "universe in a nutshell" by Sir Steven Hawking).. then the universe/your mind, already knows the many paths your physical self can take in future, past, and present.
But WHY then (always my question:WHY), why then would it want to show you this glimpse into 'the future'...?
I will leave with a lucid dream I had one night:
a re-occuring place in my dreams I've noticed is a housing complex that is many stories tall where many people of many different ages and ethnicities live.
In this particular dream we are being chased not by zombies or aliens but a mix of the two, they look like the creatures from 'I Am Legend'.
I first noticed I was 'just in a dream' when one of them was chasing me up a flight of stairs and i fell, on my **** hands and legs scrambling up I saw it come for me and kept telling myself to 'wake up wake up!' and i might have for a second or two but then right back to sleep. When i realized there was no way out of this and that it was: 'MY dream, i could do what i wanted with what I had' (sound familiar to one's waking life? hmmm) before this whole moment I had run out of amo and had no gun so was at a lose to be easy prey. I was in the basement with everyone else of the house or others who had run in for shelter, and the beings were on their way downstairs. All of a sudden I thought 'there is a gun on the person in front of you and it is loaded' i grab the gun and with excitement but uncertainty I shot at the beings, and sure enough, they one by one fell down. WE were all, now, safe. Then it cut to a scene that we were all at a bar dancing and celebrating. haha
I am excited that i have lucid dreamed before but its not like once you do it from then on you are capable of it, it is very rare for me to lucidly dream, but still very exciting.

Please Please coment and tell me ANYTHING relatable to this. your dream, your thoughts, your theories, your deja vu, your disagreements.. I am very intrigued. I would create a blog somewhere but have no idea where to start, so i started here..
I tagged people I know and love and people i've noticed who have also taken interest on any subject I've mentioned.
Sorry for anyone I missed but please feel free to comment anyways if you see this and are not tagged