i want your thunder
want your rain
i’d pick your storm
your hurricane
give me a smile
if you can
not what i need
and won’t demand
if tears are spilling
oceans filling
you can always turn to me
I’d take your pain
over sunshine anyday

Grief is not art
Not a statement
It doesn’t pile like ground shattering bricks
It is a trickling of small moments gradually building a wall
To block out the sun on the other side
Grief is the darkness when you feel most alone
Because it knows you are weak
It preys on on you like the small graze of a finger
So light you barely notice until the whole hand clamps down on your arm and you’re losing blood
Grief is the man who pours one cup of tea instead of two
Grief is the dress you picked out for her being the last you’ll ever see her wear
Grief is the tears hidden behind hands at the kitchen table
Grief is shopping for three black dresses because she wouldn’t like the first
Grief is the collection of pictures on the wall
Grief is anger in his shaking fists
Grief is knowing she’s not there
But you don’t feel it rush at you all at once
It’s a slow build of boulders on your shoulder
Until you’re crying alone in your room wishing you could see them once more

I'm always nervous that you hate me
And I wouldn't blame you
And I try to calm down
But anxiety is my best friend
Who loves to pass me notes in class that say
"They hate you"
So strong so confident
Why wouldn't I believe them?
But if you do hate me you don't say it
If you're upset you never tell me
These are what I lay awake at night afraid of
Please don't leave me i love you
I tell myself to grow up and smile
But Anxiety loves to show up in my dreams
Nightmares
And I don't wanna bother you anymore than I already do
I love you please don't hate me

If I over use you
It's because I've gotten used to your feeling in my veins
Like a bolt of lightning blown through my body
Charred scars run the length of my arms
Reminding me to up my dosage next time
Hit me with your best shot they said 
And babe that's gotta be you
My eyes see everything in startling new color
As if the hues of reality aren't supposed to be monotone
And I never had a clue
If I inhale enough of your scent
Maybe I won't remember long enough to forgot
I pray that when I come back 
The imprint of your pillow will still be tattooed on my cheek 
The intricate creases that belonged to wrongfully stitched wounds
Mark their territory upon me
And I wish you would do the same
I watch myself light up the end of us 
Terrified that sobriety generates a pain I cannot mistake for beauty
Because I'm selfish 
I cling to the image of your light being injected into my body
I know you are tired
Yet I thrive on your weary head rested in my lap
I must be sick
because wellness doesn’t leave you surrounded in somebody else’s tears
Grasping at the ends of puddles
Watching water slip between your fingers
If drowning was easy
I’m sure you would have plugged your nose and dove in
desperate to detach from my bruised knuckles
wrapped like smoke around your head
Slithering into your lungs until the edges are burned black
Because maybe in the end I wanted you to look like me
Tried, lonely, lost
yet if you are another me, I must let you go
I cannot steal your sun light if there is nothing but night
once I set you free you can smile
but I doubt you’ll be able to muster the strength
because users don’t care who they hurt
especially themselves
so, if I over use you
it’s because I’ve gotten used to your feeling in my veins 
and I need a new high

I’ve abandoned my home for a journey I have not yet discovered
to the friends behind me fear not for my life
but for the life I could have led
on a bed forced into a corner
swaddled in childhood blankets that clung to my skin
like each tear from a empty nested mother
cry for the path not traveled
rejoice in the odyssey of my heart
think of me against the pale blue skies of mountains
beneath the growing timber of earths design
pity the splintering bones in my feet
but not the destination they’ve run towards
I’ve jumped from one luminous point to the next
cradled by the crevasse of the moon
watching my shoes etch themselves into unsoiled mud
which someday I will hang as proof
I did not agree to be silent and still
the world was not big enough to contain my wonder
I will watch myself rise to the challenge of being alive
or fall into the jagged gravel of being human
my scars will only create a map of where I have been
and where I will go
and when I return you may ponder if I am the same
the answer is already against the tip of your tongue
I braved the sun to find it didn't burn me
one path may bleed to the next
my steps from home may become further
but fear not for me
only for the life that I could have led

Is it a sin to hate my body when it no longer fits?
When I've outgrown the shell of who I was
Will I be shamed for trying on a new layer of skin like a discount store coat?
I ask because people shift their eyes up and down
Because people whisper in tones they think you don't understand
Because for some reason not loving yourself means you want to slice away all of your parts
It is a death sentence to want to rearrange yourself
But i need change
I just want to feel beautiful
You judge without thought
If I hate my body then all other parts must be corroded too
You're wrong
I love my mind and the intricate circles it traces around the earth
I've fallen head over heels for my heart because it gave me the courage to let others in
I blush just imagining what unbridled masterpieces I could create with my imagination
I want to hold hand with the colour of my eyes and forgot what any other shade looks like
I love myself enough to know that I don't fit this body anymore
And it is not a sin to stop pretending that my coat still hugs me perfectly

I've been told to write what I feel
But what I feel about you is everything I hate about myself
I used to remember your words with fondness reading them off like love letters as if this was a Jane Austin novel
And now my stomach churns at the thought of you ever speaking to me again
Your silence struck me far more than words ever could and I'm terrified by this thought
So I close my ears to the incoming noise and pick a god to pray to
Because unlike you it doesn't matter if they wake up and decide I'm not worth any more of their time
They're not real but you didn't feel real either
We connected over four hours of traffic and wavelengths
Throughout our lives we seemed destined to cross but never touch
Just two parallel lines running alongside one another
And one of us tried desperately to travel a different path
Leading them to where they ought not go
Yet fate is fragile
It doesn't bend to yearning and wishful thinking