Sometimes I think about you.

I know it's been a while,
But there are these times that
You just cross my mind,
A glimpse of what was,
What could've been.

I remember those
Cold afternoons in your
Dorm room,
Your arms wrapped around mine
On your sofa couch,
Watching some cool movie
I had never been hip to before,
The laughter bouncing off our chests,
Reverberating against the off-white cement walls,
****** and maybe a little drunk,
But mostly just high off of our chemistry.

You were someone so different to me,
So full of stories of mischief and misunderstandings;
I used to get lost in your words,
Hanging onto every slightly twanged syllable.

You told me your secrets.
I let you unzip me,
Physically and mentally,
Seduced me so with your blue eyes
That I didn't even mind that you
Smoked cigarettes.

Months that felt like eternities
As I stumbled into a kind of love
I still don't comprehend,
So fleeting yet the moments
I spent with you
Are so vivid,
Sometimes so that I
Can almost feel the
Softness of your full lips...

You might just be that cliche,
That one
Who somehow got away.

days are going by not feeling like days
annoying obstacles needing to be faced
my world is b&w;, the colors have faded
i feel overwhelmingly numb constantly
waking up every day into a nightmare
just wanting to go straight back to bed
days does not feel like days anymore

*(s.m)

I feel it starting, like a prickle down my spine.
My rubbery lungs expand and push
against my ribs.
Organs start crawling
up my throat
leaving a hollow cavity
which I must seal.

My heart is pumping faster
but the only thing to get my blood moving
is to fill my emptiness.
Hands shaking I scrawl a haphazard
paper chain to keep me from floating away
as my love looks on concerned.

“Can I fill it with a kiss?
A caress? If I whisper to you
will my words fall through your ears and
weigh you down?”

But anxiety
is not like drowning
and a life preserver won’t reign me in.
The only thing to do is wait
for me to compress my lungs
and talk my insides off the ledge.

Let me close my eyes and breathe,
give me room to reassemble.
I promise I will come down soon.

When I can concentrate enough,
the Earth starts shrinking
until its mass rests on my pen tip
and I can write the blood back through my veins.

i have days where
i don’t wanna talk to anyone
i don’t wanna smile or fake being happy
i don’t know why, i can’t explain it
i have days where i just wanna be alone
stay in bed all day and not move one inch
when you’re alone no one will ask you
what is wrong? or try to understand or
won't take i don’t know what’s wrong for an answer
i feel the way i feel just because i do
for anything in the world i want that feeling to pass
everyone says it just takes more time
so can i please just be left alone to wait

*(s.m)

I'm beginning to suffocate
The world is spinning beneath my feet
I don't understand anymore
I'm losing control

The panic sets in
I choke on air
My body trembles
I'm dying
Simply because I'm living

I'm crumbling
I've cut deep into my foundations
The cracks have spread too far
There must be something wrong
This can't all be in my head

There needs to be more
A reason why I'm like this
Someone is behind the voices
Screaming in my mind
Telling me to break and destroy
Myself

The walls are closing in
My fist and teeth clench
So hard they break
Just like my spirit has.

This is nothing but another depressed soul

Typing away all that I know

See I've been months clean

But there is things unseen

A smile that is fake

A laugh they can't take

Beneath it all something I couldn't take